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I always feel like an outsider in every friendship group/social circle

(38 Posts)
mayaknew Fri 27-Feb-15 14:35:43

Does anyone else feel like this ? In any kind of group situations I always feel like I don't really fit in . I'm just thinking if it's me sort of "outsiding" myself or whether I am a bit different and don't fit in particularly well .

I have two very good friends from school I'm still close with (although being the only mum in that group I am a bit of an outsider) and two other separate friends I'm close with and feel we click and get on well .

I'm more talking about day to day or unavoidable situations . Like work and uni . And in social situations with DHs circle of friends . One of the friends from above I know through one of DHs friends and she feels like she belongs there within that circle , whereas I've known them all a long time (been with dh since high school) and I feel like I'm just DHs wife - an add on iyswim ?

Is it just me ? sad

cerealqueen Fri 27-Feb-15 14:40:07

No, I feel exactly the same. One group I thought i was part of excluded me from a social occasion recently and it really hit me hard. After 20 years friendship, I still didn't fit. sad.

Rubyredlips Fri 27-Feb-15 14:40:59

I think it's more to do with how you see yourself and the type of person you are. Maybe you prefer 1:1 company to being part of a group?

Has something happened to make you feel bothered about it?

mayaknew Fri 27-Feb-15 15:06:18

cereal that's horrible its really not very nice is it sadsad

Ruby kind of yeah . A few things have happened lately that has made me question all groups and whether I really have been part of them or a hanger on that nobody wanted sad

nicenewdusters Fri 27-Feb-15 16:43:20

I have a group of friends but also lots of one-to-one friendships. I am naturally more a one-to-one person, so have come to accept that within the group I am unlikely to be the organiser, the lynch-pin etc.

It is an unsettling feeling, but unless you are all exactly the same type of person it's likely that others in the group feel something like this too. I try not to see myself as trying to fit in with the group, but see it as an opportunity to see individual friends but all at once !

People are seldom straight forward and I think the group dynamic just magnifies things. I try not to worry about where I fit in the group, and how we all fit together. I don't always manage and sometimes come away feeling a bit deflated. Maybe it's just about being very sensitive to how we feel people view us.

queenoftheknight Fri 27-Feb-15 17:18:40

I am never accepted in groups.

I have been, briefly, twice in my life, and found that I had to hide ever greater bits of myself to fit in. Something I am not prepared to do. I am not very good at pretending, or no longer being able to voice opinions, just to fit in.

It took me a while to figure out that was why. I am happy with that now. smile

LittleMissIntrovert Fri 27-Feb-15 17:31:04

I feel like this too!

Even on the committee I'm chair of, I still feel like an outsider even though there is only 7 of us, and I know everyone individually! I just feel more at ease in a 1-1 situation.

blueberrypie0112 Fri 27-Feb-15 17:39:19

i never felt I fit in anywhere, so you are not the only one.

blueberrypie0112 Fri 27-Feb-15 17:40:14

and I definitely don't do group conversations.

ArabellaWilson Fri 27-Feb-15 18:01:59

I have felt like you all my life - at school, uni, work, when my DCs were growing up - up until a year ago, that is.

I'm now in my 40s and decided a couple of years ago to start joining things as I didn't have a partner, social life or friends. I just joined any groups etc that I heard about - not all worked out, but some did - Meetup groups and dancing being the best.

Through involving myself in various activities I seemed to relax and not take everything, including myself, so seriously. Nothing was a big deal anymore. I found that as I changed, people's attitudes towards me changed. They were friendly and welcoming towards me. I became part of their group! They invite me to their parties! I have friends! I have a social life!

I don't feel that I'm particularly behaving any differently to how I used to but I know there is something about me now that people like,when previously I think I must have given off negative vibes,

Last week the father of a lad who used to be friends with my DS years ago came up to me in the supermarket and said 'hello' - I hadn't even noticed him. He wanted to chat to me - asked me about my DC etc. Yet he was someone i previosly viewed as someone who would never deem to pass the time of day with me. Now he wanted to chat!

I'm not totoally sure what's happened to me although i now realise that I use better posture, look ahead rather than down and smile more, but i think its more to do with what's going on inside - how I feel about myself - thats changed. I know I'm different because people's responses tell me so.

notsogoldenoldie Fri 27-Feb-15 18:13:38

arabella I agree. I'm a one-on-one person too, and find groups difficult. I'm more relaxed too-you're right,I think, in that people respond differently to you when you're feeling positive about yourself. Or maybe it's just that you don't notice people reacting negatively so much!

I think people who like group stuff are simply better at amending their behaviour to suit the setting. They take things less seriously, and are perhaps less invested?

In my experience people who are less group-orientated tend to behave consistently in the same way.

babbityann Fri 27-Feb-15 18:39:11

I have never coped well in large groups of women. I find they talk a lot about their kids(which is fine, but, not all night long!!) But , I enjoy mixed groups when the chat tends to be more banterlike and general and fun!

cafesociety Fri 27-Feb-15 19:08:52

I've never fitted in with groups either. I'm the one who gets left out and feels uncomfortable and I've had a lifetime of it. I much prefer 1 to 1 friendships and activities, I find that less stressful.
If anyone has befriended me within a group situation it's turned out to be the most pushy/gossipy/over confident ones and it's not worked at all. I prefer quiet people. So I suppose I'm my own worst enemy and admit I'm not very confident.

I've been fine though in groups which are facilitated because the facilitator makes sure everyone gets their turn to talk and big personalities don't take over.
I decided long ago to accept the fact I don't 'fit'...I don't want to, I have my own opinions and like the freedom to be myself and not follow the crowd. I prefer to be an individual, albeit looking on from the sidelines like an observer.

TwoLeftSocks Fri 27-Feb-15 19:25:08

I know what you mean. I'm quite quiet and not terribly confident, and have realised that in group situations I tend to make myself busy so I don't have to socialise awkwardly. That is if I'm asked along at all.

I've felt left out by various groups lately and my DH has had some good advice - one or two good friends are worth a whole lot more than ten or twenty shit friends; and fuck 'em.

I've started liking myself for my own company a bit more and appreciating the small number of good friends that like me back, the ones who will occasionally ask me to the pub rather than me being the one who's awkwardly asking.

A small thing too but I switched off the bit on facebook that would have told the world that it's my birthday in a few days and decided that I'd rather be forgotten by people who's otherwise remember me, than to be remembered by those that would otherwise forget me.

Woozlebear Fri 27-Feb-15 19:25:20

I identify with this so much. I have worked out over the years that part of the problem is that I tend to let friends pick me- as someone else said, often the loudest pushiest types.

I have had so many experiences where I've introduced 2 people who have ended up being better friends with each other than me, or we've become a trio but with me the odd one out.

Doing things is definitely a better way- I'm not very good at endless chit chat.

JenniferGovernment Fri 27-Feb-15 19:26:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisychain01 Fri 27-Feb-15 20:08:21

I find group dynamics can be really stressful - in fact it's bad enough being in a 1-to-1 sometimes! Its all the stuff around trying to 'please' other people, matching up my expectations with their's, worrying if I have said something to offend them, trying to agree social events etc. I don't drink so most of the time I definitely don't fit in with groups!

I tend to take a f*-it approach these days - I cut people a bit of slack and hope they'll do the same for me.

packetofcrisps Fri 27-Feb-15 20:20:32

I've always struggled with this and found myself being friends with random people from different groups when I was in school. I never 'belonged' and I was never included.

This has carried on into adult life too and what really annoys me is when I'm ignored or my views cast aside in a group setting, yet individuals in that group are ok to listen and talk to me when it's just me and them... what's that all about?

Thanks for putting this post up, Ive found it really helpful smile

MildredDreadful Fri 27-Feb-15 20:32:13

I feel like this too. I've never had a female best friend or friends. I'm never part of the in group or whatever. It used to bother me but I'm in my 40s now and think f* it. I've got a handful of bloody lovely people in my life (dh, my brother, my mil, her husband) who accept me and love me. I dont do going to pubs or girls nights out (shudder) so being part of some shallow social female group doesn't matter to me any more. I like walking the dog with mil, or gardening with dh. Maybe I'm a bit odd....grin

MrsTedCrilly Fri 27-Feb-15 20:47:53

I agree with others- you're just not a group person and there is nothing wrong with this! I'm the same, have some great friendships but they are ALL 1-2-1. Even in group situations I branch off.. I often think if I died, all my friends would be meeting each other for the first time at my funeral grin Just continue to nurture your individual friendships.

JeanBodel Fri 27-Feb-15 20:51:05

Is it possible that some of you may have Aspergers?

I am not being flippant. I am always the odd one out. I was diagnosed with Aspergers aged 36.

TyrannosaurusBex Fri 27-Feb-15 20:58:29

I really struggle with certain groups, I seem to be particularly awkward with other mums for some reason. Whenever I wait for my children at any of their activities I'm always the one that nobody talks to! Recently I saw some pictures on FB of a child's birthday party where all the members of a certain group's kids had been invited except mine. I really worry that my DDs might miss out because I'm not everybody's cup of tea. I have quite a lot of friends but I seem to be a 'marmite' person.

TyrannosaurusBex Fri 27-Feb-15 20:59:20

Jean, I have ASD.

blueberrypie0112 Fri 27-Feb-15 21:33:58

I doubt it but my problem is that I can not hear well (I have cochlear implant) so I struggle to keep up with the conversations

mayaknew Fri 27-Feb-15 21:49:48

Wow thanks for the posts everyone I feel like I belong here winkwink

Until recently I thought I was part of a really lovely group of friends (we all met in sept except two who already knew each other) but in the last month or so I've more or less shunned although they're nice to my face

I was quite upset about it but After reading these posts I feel so much better about it . I don't feel like a complete oddity anymore .

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