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Why can't I be happy with what I've got?

(46 Posts)
treacleturkey Mon 16-Feb-15 13:45:31

I recently got married to someone I would describe as being my best friend. He's lovely, funny, great with my kids, good worker/earner, looks after himself and does about more of the house than I ever do. But why do I feel like I'm missing out? Why do I crave more excitement? We have barely any sex life (due to me not being interested.) I'm nearly 36 btw so I know I need to grow up and stop craving the life of a 20 something.

flux500 Mon 16-Feb-15 13:58:42

@treacle if you got home one day and he was gone how would that make you feel?

SonnyJimBob Mon 16-Feb-15 14:00:34

The grass is always greener on the other side. Not exactly advice, but I get the impression that in this day and age lots of people seem unhappy with what they have.

treacleturkey Mon 16-Feb-15 14:02:05

I ask myself this sometimes Flux, and I really do not know. The thing is, before i met him, I lived alone with my dc and rather liked it. Sometimes I crave my own place again!
But I think I would be sad.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-Feb-15 14:03:36

What's wrong is you've settled. You've married a nice friendly man for whom you have no sexual attraction. It's not fair on him and it's dissatisfaction all the way for you....

pieceofpurplesky Mon 16-Feb-15 14:04:24

You sound like my exH who felt the grass was greener and destroyed me and his son in his desire for excitement. A year on I am happy and his son wants nothing to do with him. He has had a few one night stands and is moaning to anyone that will listen how awful a person I am. He is 47 and has nothing to show for it other than two broken marriages and two abandoned kids (the older one he sees every few months). He craves his youth but it has got him nowhere really. You have a good man - put some sparkle in that as you may end up with nothing ...

flux500 Mon 16-Feb-15 14:08:14

@treacle if you are not satisfied then be careful. If you aren't invested he will put up with it for a while and then start to become unsatisfied himself. except for all the stuff he does do, does he make you feel loved in the way you want?

treacleturkey Mon 16-Feb-15 14:09:34

Hmm... I have received contradictory comments on here but I would agree both views are true. I don't like to feel like i have settled, he is my best mate (and husband no 3.)
I was on my own for 6 years and guess I just thought I would never meet anyone.

treacleturkey Mon 16-Feb-15 14:10:58

I do feel loved; I feel annoyed at myself for wanting no intimacy with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-Feb-15 14:11:33

You're using him. It's OK to not want to be lonely and I'm sure he's companionship, but it's very wrong and also rather cruel to have made promises to him and married him on under false pretences.

flux500 Mon 16-Feb-15 14:14:10

Have you been upfront in that you don't want intimacy? in other words, does he know what he was getting into?

treacleturkey Mon 16-Feb-15 14:15:26

I don't feel like I'm using him - he makes me happy. But not gloriously happy IYSWIM?

treacleturkey Mon 16-Feb-15 14:16:36

I'm on anti-d's so that's always been my understanding for having no libido, and his understanding too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-Feb-15 14:18:20

Is he gloriously happy with no intimacy?

flux500 Mon 16-Feb-15 14:20:00

Ok @treacle. I understand. my partner is also in antidepressants and he switched to a different kind that had less effect on labido. I know it's not something to be changed lightly, but you may find what you're looking for right under your nose. intimacy is compulsory in having a successful happy relationship in my opinion.

throckenholt Mon 16-Feb-15 14:22:17

I think most people settle for not being "gloriously happy".

Husband number 3 at 36 - sounds a bit like you might have unrealistic expectations of life.

I guess you have to try and figure out what you think you are missing out on. Once you work that out, you can decide what, if anything, you do about it. You may decide, once you have thought about it, that you are ok with the relationship you have, or you may decide you need to change it.

Presumably you felt, after 6 years with just you and the kids, that you wanted something more than that.

treacleturkey Mon 16-Feb-15 14:24:52

throcken - yup; I'm totally unrealistic! Nothing ever seems to live up to my dreams.

flux500 Mon 16-Feb-15 14:31:05

treacle I think you have found a wonderful man who is holding out that you will be everything he wants you to be given time. I think you should try harder smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-Feb-15 14:41:41

You haven't shot for your dream, though. You've settled on a nice friendly man who works hard and does housework on the basis that people who are 36 years old should give up on excitement and romance.... hmm You've aimed low and that's what you've got.

LumpySpacedPrincess Mon 16-Feb-15 14:46:39

Maybe be on your own, don't settle for mediocre.

You don't have to be in a relationship at all.

throckenholt Mon 16-Feb-15 14:47:19

Maybe it is a case of realising that dreams are just that - they aren't usually reality. I think sometimes we can build up unrealistic expectations from books, and films etc.

Only you can work out if what you have is good enough, worth settling for (may well be), or not.

My mum was a bit similar - always not quite happy with what she had, always wanting something a bit other, even when she didn't know what it was she did want. Maybe it is a personality trait, or maybe just a habit you can get into.

Maybe nearly 36 is time to really take stock and have a reality check. Maybe compare your life to others you know well - what are you really missing out on, what are you happy to miss out on, what have you got that is good etc.

An observation - the happiest people seem to be those who are content with what they have got.

FlabbyMummy Mon 16-Feb-15 14:53:07

Could part of this be the medication? I found that anti depressants took the joy out of my world and my sex drive with it. Don't get me wrong they also stopped me wanting to harm myself but they did flatten my mood.

Have you been on them for long?

Also could you be in a bit of a post wedding lull? After all the arranging and focus maybe you need a new project?

wellcoveredsparerib Mon 16-Feb-15 15:06:24

Are you dissatisfied with other areas of your life - work,friendships,family, interests? No one person can be everything to another.

juneau Mon 16-Feb-15 15:11:35

Husband number 3 at 36 - sounds a bit like you might have unrealistic expectations of life.

This ^

shovetheholly Mon 16-Feb-15 15:17:27

Maybe what's missing in your life doesn't have to do with your relationship? How's your career?

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