Background: I've been with my partner for a little over 5 years. We've been living together for just over a year. We're both 26 (or he is in a couple of weeks) and we've been together since uni. We both work fairly demanding jobs but his company has been going through a lot over the last six months and there have been lots of redundancies. Back in November we had a sort of fight (maybe an intense discussion is a better phrase) which started about how we haven't been having a lot of sex recently. I instigated this, we'd been on holiday for 2 weeks, we'd had sex once and it felt like he hadn't touched me since which is very very different from how things had been. This escalated in to a discussion about our relationship and how I felt he needed to leave his work at work and that the stress of it was impacting on our lives together. He agreed. We made up. We moved on (or so I thought).
Last weekend I bought it up again. I'd been feeling overlooked for a while, he'd been distant, not really making an effort, chatting a lot on whatsapp to his work friends but not to me of an evening, and it felt like everything was stagnating around me and I was alone with nobody to talk to. I explained I didn't want to break up, I really want to make our relationship work but I wanted to feel like I was his first priority again and that maybe he'd come to consider me as just part of the furniture.
His response was 'I love you. But'. And then nothing.
I got pretty upset. Let all my feelings out. Lot of crying. He gave me a hug. I cried myself to sleep. I let it hang over us all weekend and then asked him to explain the 'But'. Apparently he loves me but isn't sure he's ready to give me what I want. A lot of our friends are getting engaged at the moment so I think this is what's prompted this. I definitely haven't been fishing for any marriage proposals as I'm not sure I'm ready either?! But I really thought that we were building a life together.
We hashed it out and we agreed that we didn't want to break up and that we were going to try and make it work. Which is what we've been doing this week.
HOWEVER
I am flipping between withdrawing from him and throwing myself at him. Every nice thing he does, and bless him he's been lovely this week (it was my birthday on Tuesday), I'm questioning. 'Does he mean it? Is he just trying and doesn't really want to be here? Does he really love me?' My instinctive reaction when confronted with a situation like this is just to get the hell out. I cant work out if I've not done that that because I love him and I want to make it work or if it's just that I'm scared of ending it. I am completely torn over this. I keep randomly bursting in to tears and I'm exhausted because I have been lying awake at 3am questioning my whole life non stop this week.
If you've got to the end of this missive you deserve a medal. I think I'm just typing to get my thoughts out, I don't want to talk to my girlfriends about this as I just don't want to explain it and don't know what to say (I've been chatting to my best friend who lives the other side of the world at the moment because somehow it's easier on by text/IM then to actually say it out loud).
I think I do want to make it work and I'm really just asking if anyone else has been through a blip like this and come out on the other side still together? If so HOW do we work through this? Any practical suggestions welcome!!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Not sure how to make this work..
ovenisdrivingmecrazy · 13/02/2015 13:57
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