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Separated over 3 1/2 years but may reconcile - left because of EA

(35 Posts)
KittiKat Tue 10-Feb-15 13:02:00

I am in a quandary. My OH and I are still married. We have been separated a good 3 and a half years now. We sold our marital home, I used my share of the money to put a deposit down on another house. I have been paying the mortgage and all associated bills on my own since then. OH has been renting. I got slightly more than him in the separation but I agreed not to touch his pensions in return.

He asked me not to divorce him unless I met someone else. He said it made financial sense not to as at the moment all his pensions are in my name should he die.

The money did not mean anything to me but I could/can see the logic in not divorcing if there is no-one else and he and my children (grown up) could take over the house with no problems if I die.

Now, we have sort of been talking about maybe trying again. To be honest, since our initial discussions at the weekend, I am having HUGE doubts about it but I feel an absolute cow to turn around and say I won't at least see if we can try again. We separated because of EA. I think "my" problem is that when we separated he moved within 5 miles of me. He has kept in touch, helps out here and there and basically he has not moved on because he does not want to. He tells me he loves me and always has done. I can't say I love him at the moment, it just does not come. The children are really pleased that we may be trying again. The children by the way share their time between staying with me and him.

The other problem I have is alcohol. When we separated I was drinking a huge, huge amount; anything to get through the evenings. Now I still drink but not anywhere near like I used to. I have stopped smoking too, lost weight and hold down a decent job. This weekend when we were together, he absolutely plied me with alcohol and I ended up really sick. Yes, I could have chosen not to drink the alcohol, but in the environment, "let's have an absolutely lovely time, lots of drink, lots of lovely food, it will be great. We can relax and talk and won't the children be happy if we got back together again...".

I have tried to move on. Been on dates with a few guys but nothing has come of it. Yes I do struggle financially but I have still managed to keep my head just about above water.

I just sort of feel that as I have not met anyone else, and his constant just being there has worn me down. He always shows to everyone a lovely, kind, helpful persona. I expect to hear someone say that this is typical controlling EA behaviour. I hope someone has experience of this and can tell me where they sort help for it and if they ever relapsed but got through it again.

Anyway, this is a two fold post. IF and I do mean IF I got back with him and he moved in with me (makes sense I own my house and do not rent it) could he try and claim half of its equity if I allow him to move in and then it did not work out.

Secondly, how the hell do I get rid of him nicely again if I seriously want to. I don't know if I can keep on going with this constant wearing down. I am feeling such a twit, all these past few years of keeping him at bay and now I have opened the door again in a stupid, stupid moment. I say stupid as that's how I feel and I feel so depressed about leading him and myself on.

I am thinking will I be opening the doors to his controlling EA behaviour all over again. We were/have been together 34 years if that is any help.

Rebecca2014 Tue 10-Feb-15 13:09:53

Do not let him move in, live separately for a year and see how it goes. Maybe he has changed but I wouldn't risk half my house on it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 10-Feb-15 13:16:32

If you've found it hard to over on I'd suggest it's because he's always had one foot on the brake. Emotional Abuse is all about control and manipulation. Whilst you've made some good changes in your life, he's never let go the control. Just biding his time.

I think you have to get rid and not worry too much about doing it nicely.

pocketsaviour Tue 10-Feb-15 13:18:23

I think that you already know that this would be a massive mistake. You have said that you don't love him and you clearly don't want to try again - just for some reason he has made you feel like you "owe" him another chance.

You don't. He's asked the question: you can say "no, I have thought about it but it's not a good idea for me."

My main question if you did want to go for it would be what has he done during the period you've been separated to work on his issues and change his behaviour? Has he had in-depth counselling? Has he apologised for the way he treated you? It doesn't sound like it from your post and you still seem to feel some control from him which would seem to imply that he hasn't changed at all and is still trying his damndest to control you.

I also don't really understand why you haven't divorced him. Just in case he dies and you can get his pensions? This might make sense in an extremely cold financial way but I don't think it makes sense emotionally and I feel this could be another way he has continued to control you.

MatildaTheCat Tue 10-Feb-15 13:21:01

So you agreed, after he got you totally pissed,to try again? By Tuesday you're having doubts? hmm

You didn't leave the marriage for no reason. However it sounds as though he has manipulated you into more or less remaining in a relationship. You are still married, you see him all the time and the kids go back and forwards. He knows your life and you know his...

Revisit all the reasons you decided to separate. You've made progress but haven't actually finished the job and therefore haven't moved into the next phase of your life.

I'm sorry, I don't know the answers to your legal questions but this is moving way too fast.mif you are having doubts after two days, listen to those doubts. Letting him down is a tiny problem compared to allowing him back and ending up at square one.

Honestly, I think you should back away and properly extricate yourself from his life and then see how you get on.

pocketsaviour Tue 10-Feb-15 13:22:35

Just to add re the divorce: the fact you are still married means that by default you are still his next of kin, and vice versa. I found this out when my husband, who I'd been separated from for 2yrs but not divorced, died very suddenly. I had to go through a lot of legal hassle to make sure the person who wanted to arrange his funeral etc (i.e. his new partner) was able to do so. I also had a near-miss with being held responsible for his debts.

If your ex controlled you during the relationship then the "request" to not divorce sounds like a bid to keep controlling you still. If you met a new man and things went well and you decided to marry, do you really think your ex would suddenly agree to a quickie divorce? I think he would throw everything he could at making it as hard as possible for you.

DayLillie Tue 10-Feb-15 13:22:51

What does it matter if you have not met someone else?

You do not sound as if you want to be with him, just that this is something that will happen and you will have to come to terms with it.

It sounds as if you have done very well living on your own, with your own house and mortgage and paying the bills. You have built up a good life.

I would be taking advice on the divorce question. I can see no advantage in staying married if you are no longer living that way and are financially separated. It just muddies the waters legally and socially.

monkeytennismum Tue 10-Feb-15 13:24:15

From reading your post it sounds like you don't want to reconcile. You're moving on with your life and are happy with that. After 34 years together it must be incredibly hard to take the decision to end it with your ex, so I wish you lots of luck. My only advice would be to make it clear that you are ending it - this can be done with grace and feeling, it doesn't need to be mean. Explain to him that your evening was a mistake and you're happy on your own. Just make sure that he understands you are closing the door on the idea of reconciliation. (This may give him the closure that he needs to move on). HTH and good luck with your decision-making.

LisaMed Tue 10-Feb-15 13:26:28

He has a claim on your house anyway. You are married, the house is part of the assets of the marriage. His pension still is fair game.

He has done everything he can to stop you getting away - always there, always nice, not 'allowing' a divorce unless you find someone else... btw the pensions could remain with you nominated, even if you divorced. They must be very juicy if he is working so hard to keep you away from him. You could leave him a life interest in the house in your will. No need to stay married for that.

I would suggest that you tell him you need some time away from him to think, no contact for at least 30 days. That will get you enough time to get independent legal advice. If he doesn't respect the 30 days then you know how it will be.

Good luck.

Ohfourfoxache Tue 10-Feb-15 13:27:51

No no no no no no no - don't do it.

You left for a reason.

He has not changed. You will be going back to the way it was before.

You've done the hard part, don't look back.

KittiKat Tue 10-Feb-15 13:30:59

Thank you all so much. I can't believe how quickly you have responded.

You are right, all of you. I have spent the last three years or more living on my own, making my own way and because he is "always there" it has felt like I might as well give in.

Well I think, no I know, I won't now. It helped just typing all the post out, to see what I was doing.

I need to get that divorce and then I can feel totally separated.

Jan45 Tue 10-Feb-15 13:37:25

Big mistake I'd say, he's still the same person, at the moment you only see the nice him because he's making a huge effort, it will be back to shit if the two of you are living together again.

You also don't need to replace him with another man, sounds like you are doing fine and dandy as it is, keep at it, you're doing great.

SilverFishFly Tue 10-Feb-15 13:41:21

There's been some brilliant advise in these posts.

1. Yes he has continued to EA you by never letting you truely be free.

2. Yes he has been bidding his time.

3. He already has a right to your housd as you are still married - even if it is only in your name he still has a right to it.

4. HE HAS NOT CHANGED - he will always be EA - he's showing you his goodside at the moment because its of benefit to him to do so, if he moved in with you his dark side WILL return.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 10-Feb-15 13:43:05

Glad you're going to get the divorce. Please cut all contact with him in the meantime.

SilverFishFly Tue 10-Feb-15 13:45:55

The kids want you to get back together, of course they do, but they didn't have to experience the full brunt of his EA - you were there to protect them.

Him getting you drunk is another EA tactic - he wants you dependent on him so he can feel like the big man and the cycle of abuse will start all over again.

You sound lovely - he sounds like a manipulative shit - divorce him asap!

KittiKat Tue 10-Feb-15 13:46:58

I am going to ring him tonight and tell him. There is no point in trying again if my heart is just not in it. If I tell him, it may close the door for him too if he realises there is no way forward for us both.

I think I will also tell him that because of my decision, I will be applying for a divorce so then he knows.

I will update you later tonight/tomorrow morning to let you know how it all went. I am dreading it but I know I will get over it.

yougotafriend Tue 10-Feb-15 13:53:13

I wouldn't tell him about the divorce - just file and let him get the papers. He won't believe you until then anyway.

I sperperated from my EA H in November and we decided not to divorce for similar reasons as you've stated, but reading the replies to you I'm thinking I should so it as I believe he still thinks I'll be back once I've had my little fling with fereedom

PoppyField Tue 10-Feb-15 13:54:50

Dear OP,

Like cogito says - you have no obligation to do this gently. You don't need excuses/reasons/justifications. You're just not doing it!

Good luck. You've come this far and managed far worse things. You will be fine.

Ohfourfoxache Tue 10-Feb-15 13:57:10

Telling him about he divorce will only give him an opportunity to change your mind. Don't do it - just get the papers served. There will be plenty of time for explanations afterwards.

Why open yourself up to more potential manipulation?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 10-Feb-15 14:02:28

I don't think you owe him the courtesy of telling him about the divorce in advance. It's significant that you think you do. He's not a friend. Time to stop being nice about it, cut the contact and start putting him in the past.

DayLillie Tue 10-Feb-15 14:34:58

Agreed - no point telling him about the divorce - it is the next logical step in a long break up. There is nothing to discuss.

Ring the solicitor first, and get the ball rolling.

queenoftheknight Tue 10-Feb-15 16:10:23

Has he done anything to address his issues? Not by the sounds of it. Does he accept why you separated? Does he understand that he even has issues? Does he have any insight into the damage that EA behaviour causes?

Sounds like he has not, which is probably why you already know the answer.

Iwouldratherbemuckingout Tue 10-Feb-15 20:40:23

Run. Far far away. Do not give this man the chance to upend your life again. Your doubts speak so loudly, please don't give your happiness away. Please x

MatildaTheCat Tue 10-Feb-15 21:06:27

Good luck with telling him. Leave no room for doubt. He needs to hear it loud and clear. Then see a solicitor as soon as possible.

Hissy Wed 11-Feb-15 07:29:26

You tell him and think he'll respect your boundaries?

Why would he do that now when he's never done it in the past?

He'll redouble his hoovering efforts (which is what he's doing btw)

Go it alone, cease all unnecessary contact, stick to email.

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