She wants to go NC with me? How do I get over the pain?

[Roseformeplease]

I have 3 sisters and do not live close by any of them (2 are abroad). I see all of them rarely and, while I felt we were close, we all struggled to deal with competing egos and each other when our Dad died and it has caused problems. I speak regularly to the youngest one and we get on very well. One of the others contacts me rarely but, when we do, while she is very self-pitying, we usually have a good chat. The other one has hardly bothered in years.

She is going through a divorce and has children (young ones) and will be moving back to the UK. I have always sent presents, cards and so forth and never got anything back but I know she is having a tough time and tbh, part of the gift giving has been a way of keeping my children connected in some way to their cousins. I message a bit (usually texts) and send the odd e-mail. We have spoken once recently (I had to tell her about a bereavement) and then we played phone tag for 2 weeks and left messages, but never spoke.

She is owed a lot of money by two family members (not me) and messaged asking for help getting it back. I did not want to get involved but did say that I would try to persuade one of them (Mum) to sell her flat (in Mum's best interests to do this and move nearer, and somewhere cheaper) and thus release money. Sister was trying to use a power of attorney to force equity release and I had good advice on here about this.

Other than this, I have not got involved.

Last night she sent me the most vicious, nasty e-mail I have ever received. She told me not to contact her again ever, not to send the children presents, that she would be changing her contact details when she moves back to the UK.

I know she is suffering, as are the children as someone has seen her recently. She is seeking help from another (half) sister who is very wealthy. This sister was wealthy too. I work in a school.

She has attacked me for all sorts of things - DH buying a house with his father's money rather than putting money towards my Dad's funeral (which we offered but we were told just to write a big cheque, sister was deciding what was happening).

There are dozens of accusations, some of them for things I have probably done wrong. One is not visiting my mother often - she lives 800 miles away and is an alcoholic and I find visiting her, with her heavy smoking very distressing (and expensive) and so go rarely. So, she is right.

I know I should just leave her and stop trying to be her big sister. She is going to live with our half (wealthy) sister and that hurts very, very much. I have been rejected and my horrible half-sister with her horses and country estate is chosen. My children will not know their cousins. I want to be there for her and help her settle in the UK.

I am just so very, very hurt. I know I have to just leave it but it feels like a bereavement - like she has gone. I am crying a lot (menopause?) and it is bringing up all sorts of things.

How do I get over her? I bottle fed her as a baby. I love her.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sorry you've been rejected so comprehensively and nastily but yes, all you can realistically do is respect her decision and leave her to it. If you go after her and ask her to change her mind it'll be interpreted as weakness and you'll get nowhere. If you make the mountain come to Mohammed, as it were, any reconciliation can be on your terms.

[Roseformeplease]

Thanks Cogito, thanks so much. It really bloody hurts! I want to scream at her, and cry, and tell her what she is throwing away, tell her that she doesn't have to reject us all. But I will be dignified.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I have a friend whose adult DD cut all contact in September last year, leading to huge heartbreak as the much loved grandchildren were also involved. I gave her the same advice.... let her come to you. Six months on, that's what has happened.

You may have bottle fed her as a baby but she is responsible for her own decisions and there will be consequences. She can't just expect to treat you abysmally and all is forgiven.

[GoatsDoRoam]

As you say, she is hurting. She is lashing out / doing what she needs to do to protect herself, at a painful time for her.

You can only accept her decision, and accept that it is the result of her own pain.

You state that some of her accusations might be true, so for those, consider if there is anything you want to do differently, if those actions feel genuinely right to you.

[noseymcposey]

I don't think you should respond with dignified silence. I think now is the time to say what you want to say - including what you have said above.

For whatever reason she sounds like she is feeling hurt and unsupported. I am massively bringing my own issues to the table here but I've been considering sending a similar message to my own sister because I feel so fed up, angry and hurt by her behaviour over the last few years and the very worst thing she could do is just say 'ok' and ignore.

If it was me I would think hard about what to say. If there are things she has said that you don't agree with tell her, explain why you have done some of the things you've done, If you want to, tell her that you love her, and if you feel inclined to do so, that you will be here for her if she needs you.

If you ignore, and she comes back to you, then there will still be resentment. If you communicate, then you have some chance of clearing the air.

[Roseformeplease]

The ones that are true, are true of her too. I visit my mother rarely - so does she because of distance and because my mother's alcoholism and smoking make day visits the only option - you have to stay in hotels or book a week's holiday.


She has attacked a BiL for not writing to thank her for some flowers ( sent when he lost his parents) and yet never communicated to say gifts have arrived, sent overseas.

So, I could hit back but it would be all "but you".

I think what makes me saddest is that she is now close with wealthy half-sister (we didn't grow up together and only met as teens) because they all have money (both married money) and I am being rejected. I know I wouldn't want her to want to see me just because we are rich, but it hurts that my respectable little family is not good enough.

I have sent dozens of messages of support - offering to have the children while she settles, offering a holiday in our holiday cottage (DH's business) and even offering to buy her a flight when her divorce looked like dragging on and I thought she might need a break. I really have tried.

Yes, not perfect. It just hurts to have tried so hard to do the right thing by her and to be blamed for the pain she is feeling. I know she has issues (depressions etc) but who wouldn't? I feel for her children.

Aaagh!

[noseymcposey]

Oh bless you rose. I can see why that hurts.

Maybe just say to her that you've always tried to be there for her. Ultimately if you'd rather say nothing then do so.

Some people are so blinkered when it comes to their own actions and families have such a capacity to hurt us.

[SunshineAndShadows]

You need to respect her decision but I agree with not 'ignoring' To my mind (very complicated family and pretty much all my siblings have been NC with 'D'M at some point!) silence = not caring.
I agree that you shouldn't try and defend yourself or get involved in any back and forth - it won't be productive, your sister is too upset to be reasonable. Just tell her she's your sister, you love her and you'll be there if she needs you, and if and when she wants to talk things through, you'll be available. That's it. Keep it simple and non confrontational.
For what it's worth my mum hasn't seen one of my NC sisters for years because she believes in the 'they should come to me' approach. It isn't working

[shovetheholly]

OP.

I can only echo what other posters have said: I think she will be back. Perhaps it's best for both of you to have a bit of a break now, and to take up the reins again in a few months, when things have calmed down.

It sounds as though she's reacting extremely negatively to relatively small cues, in a disproportionate way that doesn't really recognise the right of other people to make different decisions according to their needs. I think that's quite common when people are very much under pressure and stress - she may feel differently in a short while. Equally, I would read her decisions about housing as a symptom of wanting to feel safe and secure (and thus choosing the most well-off household), rather than as a total rejection of your whole way of life. It sounds as though you have been really supportive and kind, and that your DS is actually very fortunate to have such a lot of people that care for her in difficult circumstances.

[Roseformeplease]

Thanks Sunshine. I just sent pretty much what you wrote, suggesting that I am always here and always happy to help / chat but not rising to the bait of any of the accusations or u kindnesses. Fortunately, all birthdays are now months away (all in last 4 months of the year) so I don't have to worry about whether or not to carry on sending presents to her children.

[GoatsDoRoam]

I don't know the ins and outs of this, obviously, but from your OP it sounds like she is owed money by "your" side of the family, they are not paying it back at a time when she needs it, an appeal to you did not result in anything, and there is lots of underlying dysfunction (alcoholism in the family), so she's had a "To hell with all of you!" reaction.

You've been lumped in with a group that she is frustrated with. That may not be fair, but maybe it can help you feel less personally rejected to see it that way.

You do sound insecure vis-a-vis your horse-owning half-sister: you state that the feeling that you are being compared unfavourably to her is what hurts you the most. A feeling of personal rejection.

Basically it sounds like there is a lot of pain and hurt feelings all round. She is dealing with it in a messy way. You are suffering too. It may be too soon to urge compassion, but I hope that with time, high emotions will simmer down and you'll be able to regain the bond you had with her, if that is what you both seek.

[Roseformeplease]

Very wise, Holly, thanks. That really does sum her up.

[Roseformeplease]

I just got a reply, simply saying, "I have blocked you from my phone and e-mails". Am sobbing now. Why would anyone be so very cruel when all I did was send a message of love, support and telling her I would always be here.

[feebeecat]

Sorry you got such a nasty response. I've had similar "you did all this" emails from my sister, with some really below the belt comments. I tried a similar reply to yours & got a "I have no idea what you are talking about" response. Tried to meet up & actually talk to her three times with similar outcome. In the end I had to walk away and leave it at 'you know where I am if you ever need me'. (Knowing she will never,ever contact me - I know her too well).
It can be pretty shit, but I had to walk away for the sake of my own sanity & "my" family. You've tried, leave it with her & she will either come round, or sadly, she may not. Either way, you have done your bit and you cannot be responsible for her actions.

[Roseformeplease]

Thanks feebeecat. It bloody hurts at the moment - feels like it did when someone I loved died and I felt physically sick, sore and a bit broken. I didn't hear from her much anyway so, day to day, it will make little difference. Sadly, I doubt she will ever want a relationship. She seems to hate me.

According to my youngest (and best) sister, it is jealousy. I have a lovely DH and 2 children but we live modest, ordinary lives. The kind of life she would never have wanted. She moved abroad, married and lived a very high life - exactly what she wanted. Her marriage being over is so tragic. In some ways she is repeating my mother's mistakes (divorce, fell out with everyone, alcohol problems etc) and it is so very, very sad.

[feebeecat]

Yes, it could very well be jealousy. Someone said the same to me about my sister. Mine is a lot, lot older than me and had a very different upbringing. By the time I came along our parents were more settled, financially stable and older and probably less bothered about what I got up to! She always used to throw that at me, but I really don't know how I could've changed that, or what she wanted me to do?
It does hurt & it's horrible & just like a bereavement - oddly we fell apart after our Dad died too - but it does get easier. It will still pop into your head & the unfairness of it will get to you sometimes, but, as a good friend told me, I have too many lovely & wonderful people in "my" family that need my attention way more. Hang on in there.

[Canyouforgiveher]

my only sister went no contact with me a few years back. It nearly broke my heart. I had to see a counselor to process it to be honest. 8 years later we are now back to (what passes for) normal. Mostly because I didn't respond to her the same way she treated me.

It is very hard and don't underestimate how awful you will feel but also don't try to make any sense of it - this is her shit not yours. The unfairness nearly killed me but in the end I realised she wasn't that significant a relationship in my life - my husband and children and even my in laws, cousins, friends etc were my family and support. Even if you get back together, some trust will always be gone.

[noseymcposey]

So, so sorry the response wasn't better OP.

It doesn't sound like you deserve to be treated like this. Just know then, that the issues are hers and not yours.

[Roseformeplease]

I think with the presents, I will put the money aside and then give it to them when they are older. It is only £10 each, twice a year (plus extortionate postage!) but it will at least let them know I was thinking of them. And, if the relationship is not repaired, I will have some extra to blow on my own children.

Lots of lovely, very wise people here. I suppose she is lashing out and blaming me. Although I advised against lending money to someone with no income and just a home. My Mum was on the way to realising she needed to sell so my sister has just delayed this by a few years. I would dearly love to take on the debts, but it is about my annual income.

I have a very close group of friends, great DH and children and lovely, lovely cousins. I will just have to hug them a bit tighter now.

[Roseformeplease]

After no contact for nearly 3 months, she has started making demands. She wanted DH's contact details. She repeatedly requested them, at 2/3 minute intervals when it was very late at night where she is. I did not reply at all. Then she tried again just now. A long string of allegations against another sister, but copying me into the text.

I have not replied and am now on Anti-Ds which is helping me to cope with this, and other things (age!).

Why is she suddenly initiating contact but in such an aggressive way? The late night messages are, I assume, alcohol talking.

I would love to reply with a message of love and support again but not sure if this is just going to be her reeling me in before dumping me again.

Thoughts ?

[beezlebop]

Hello Rose, she sounds like she's succumbing to alcoholism "proper", in which case I'm not sure what you can do. Her mental processes will he screwed. Let half sister sort her out, you can't do any more look after your family xxxxxx

[Hissy]

Change your number love??

[Notyouagaintoday]

Why does she want your dh details?
I'd be very cautious, I hate demands and would probably ignore until I had thought very hard about what you are prepared to "give/accept" to/from this relationship. Even if she is not drunk, not an excuse but still, being aggressive is just another why of hurting someone imo.

[sonjadog]

This is hard, OP. I think if you want to respond, send her a message like you did before, but don't engage in demands and arguments.