Please bear with me, this is likely to be long and not sure where to begin. Have thought about posting many times over the past couple of years but never felt brave enough.
DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. When we first got together we both lived quite the party lifestyle, except alternate weekends when we looked after his DS. Decided to get married, 1 month later I found out I was pg with DD, had already begun to tone down lifestyle unlike DH. He is a musician and it always went with the territory. To cut a long story short, throughout previous pregnancy he was frequently absent, brought friends back to our flat for all night parties, drank, took drugs, booked numerous gigs and tours for around due date etc. 3 days after DDs due date he disappeared with my bank card (does not have his own bank acc, all our income goes into my account and we manage with one card) to a party, pretty much cleaned out funds, called me the next day (on the day my mum was due to arrive to help) in tears saying he'd done a load of acid and didn't know where he was and asked me to meet him in a taxi and take him home to bed. I obliged even though it meant leaving DM in a shop, lying to say I needed to collect something, back in half an hour, then running to his whereabouts and taking him home then running (literally running!) back to DM.
After much conversation and soul searching I forgave him and DD born 2 days later. Resentment has always remained about this and he has continued to party ("work/rehearse" as he would have it) ever since. Like I said, I find it hard to hold him accountable for this behaviour a lot of the time as a) he is a musician and producer and it apparently goes with the territory and b) the times I have brought it up have ended up in vile abusive arguments.
Early summer last year he lost his business premises through sheer bad luck, this happened about a month after I found out I was pg again. Found new premises but much more costly, at the same time we had just decided we needed more space than our one bedroom shoebox provided, couldn't afford to size up in area and have moved in with his parents to save.
We have saved approx. BUGGER ALL, a lot of 'his' money gets spent on partying then my wages subsidise the shortfall on his business rent. It is very apparent he has dependency issues, in the 7 months we have been living here he has probably been at home at the weekend a handful of times. He always starts off saying he has a booking on a Friday night, will be back the next day. Monday evening rolls around and after little (often no) contact he shows up. On numerous occasions he has arranged to have DSS dropped off knowing full well he will be spending the weekend partying. I and his parents are sick if lying to his son and increasingly to our DD who is now way more aware when he is absent.
In January, he has spent at least £600 on going out, when questioned about this he gets defensive and shuts down the conversation, threatens to stay 'at work' longer or at worst just hurls abuse, last time he threatened to kick me out to stay with my DM (he knows she can't accommodate heavily pregnant me and DD as thanks to bedroom tax she had to give up her home last year and now lives in the middle of nowhere in another relatives house).
I am at the end of my tether. My hopes of saving up to move somewhere by the time DS came along are laughably far off the mark (unless miracles happen in the next few days). I have no savings and would be reliant on housing benefit which rules out most rentals, the only option for me is emergency accommodation or shutting up and staying put under DMIL and DFIL's roof (they are lovely and understand what he's like so wouldn't kick me out themselves).
I'm due later this week, he has returned home today after another weekend of no contact, started throwing his weight around and point scoring over whether DD needed a bath tonight and within seconds called me a fucking bitch for (albeit not the nicest thing to say) sarcastically suggesting he knows best since he's the one waltzing in and out of DDs life while I know the daily routine. Apparently this comment also warrants being screamed at to shut the fuck up, in front of DD.
Then later when in tried to explain to him that we need him around, he is loved and wanted but that the truth still stands that he chooses when to be a dad and when to live a young free and single drug fuelled lifestyle, I was told not to fucking talk to him and that as soon as the kids were grown up I'd be left with nothing and I'd be a bitter old woman.
Reading this back I feel pathetic. So many toxic relationship alarm bells. He clearly doesn't want to be with me and isn't ready for fatherhood and the responsibility it entails. Or am I just being mental and hormonal? If that's the case please don't flame me as I already feel this close to a break down.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
39 weeks pg, DH despises me, life is a mess.
babiesbelikewhat · 02/02/2015 23:05
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thank you all, seeing it written down in black and white makes me realise it's not normal.
To answer some of your questions, he's always maintained he doesn't have an account after an ex rinsed him for a load of money resulting in his bankruptcy and lots of debts some years ago. Hence from fairly early on in our relationship his wages (old job) got paid into his dad's acc and transferred into mine. He is now eligible for a new basic bank acc and I've researched this for him but he has no up to date ID and like I said is rarely here so I've never got round to sorting it (not that it's my responsibility but he's hopeless/lazy with paperwork so onus is on me).
Re. Subsidising his rent, him taking card etc. he's always moving the goal posts, for example will say I've been paid this and this, x is profit so we can pay living costs out of that earlier in the month and then it turns out x isn't profit, or he overspends elsewhere and we have to play catch up. Like I said every time I try and dig deeper it results in an argument, similarly on the occasions when I've refused card I get told it's basically our card not mine and refusal to let him take it (usually 3 mins before he leaves the house) means he can't physically get to work a and therefore I'm doing the family out of money by disallowing it. Frequently I am left with whatever cash is knocking about, on the understanding that apparently I can just transfer funds to DMIL to get me cash out if need be, however this only works if she's not at work herself or if I know in advance to ask her. Otherwise we get situations like last weekend where I was left with £4 cash ostensibly to last overnight and he took 4 days to come back, meanwhile I have to go cap in hand to DMIL which I hate doing.
I am just so exhausted by it all that anything I can do to keep the peace I will but I admit it allows him to bully me into getting his own way.
Financially I am in no position to go it alone yet unless I go for the dreaded emergency council accommodation. I have just gone on mat leave so my wages are minimal, haven't got a great credit history (made worse since being with DH), so most letting agents would laugh in my face and private lets are few and far between. I admit I'm not brilliant with money myself but I really really want to dig myself out of the hole we're in and grow up financially, whereas he still thinks it appropriate to buy a £160 guitar pedal leaving us with fuck all to buy a cheap tandem pushchair / new baby sling in the month that we're desperately going to need one 
I'm not sure what I get out of this tbh, other than I'm so exhausted and scared to go it alone and I hate the arguments, for my DDs sake as much as my own so I will just try and keep the peace as much as poss. Plus I hate the awkwardness if being under his parent's roof while this is happening.
They are lovely but bury their heads in the sand and don't want to give him an excuse to permanently decamp to his studio so bite their tongues. It feels like we all just tiptoe around him. Half the time he is here he is asleep or moody (on a come down of course), MIL and I now hate Wednesdays because of this!
I know I need to get out, just don't have the strength and still feel so emotionally tied to him and generally wobbly that I find it hard to look at it from a mercenary, detached POV. Plus there is some truth in what he says, I must have pushed him away somehow. Funny thing is he's the one who suggested having DC to me!
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Just thought of a good friend's husband who is in the music business - yes, he's out a lot but nothing like this. And they don't even have kids!
btw it's not you he despises, it's real life and real responsibilities he despises. And also, I'd just like to say that 'coming down' after extensive bingeing on godknowswhat is NO EXCUSE to abuse you, shout at you, ignore the responsibilities he has to you and the kids, spend [your] money like water, etc. NO EXCUSE.
That studio he lost because of 'pure bad luck'... . I'd put a huge question mark over his account of that iiwy. In fact I'd put a huge question mark over his account of anything tbh.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.