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39 weeks pg, DH despises me, life is a mess.

(111 Posts)
babiesbelikewhat Mon 02-Feb-15 23:05:50

Please bear with me, this is likely to be long and not sure where to begin. Have thought about posting many times over the past couple of years but never felt brave enough.

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. When we first got together we both lived quite the party lifestyle, except alternate weekends when we looked after his DS. Decided to get married, 1 month later I found out I was pg with DD, had already begun to tone down lifestyle unlike DH. He is a musician and it always went with the territory. To cut a long story short, throughout previous pregnancy he was frequently absent, brought friends back to our flat for all night parties, drank, took drugs, booked numerous gigs and tours for around due date etc. 3 days after DDs due date he disappeared with my bank card (does not have his own bank acc, all our income goes into my account and we manage with one card) to a party, pretty much cleaned out funds, called me the next day (on the day my mum was due to arrive to help) in tears saying he'd done a load of acid and didn't know where he was and asked me to meet him in a taxi and take him home to bed. I obliged even though it meant leaving DM in a shop, lying to say I needed to collect something, back in half an hour, then running to his whereabouts and taking him home then running (literally running!) back to DM.

After much conversation and soul searching I forgave him and DD born 2 days later. Resentment has always remained about this and he has continued to party ("work/rehearse" as he would have it) ever since. Like I said, I find it hard to hold him accountable for this behaviour a lot of the time as a) he is a musician and producer and it apparently goes with the territory and b) the times I have brought it up have ended up in vile abusive arguments.

Early summer last year he lost his business premises through sheer bad luck, this happened about a month after I found out I was pg again. Found new premises but much more costly, at the same time we had just decided we needed more space than our one bedroom shoebox provided, couldn't afford to size up in area and have moved in with his parents to save.

We have saved approx. BUGGER ALL, a lot of 'his' money gets spent on partying then my wages subsidise the shortfall on his business rent. It is very apparent he has dependency issues, in the 7 months we have been living here he has probably been at home at the weekend a handful of times. He always starts off saying he has a booking on a Friday night, will be back the next day. Monday evening rolls around and after little (often no) contact he shows up. On numerous occasions he has arranged to have DSS dropped off knowing full well he will be spending the weekend partying. I and his parents are sick if lying to his son and increasingly to our DD who is now way more aware when he is absent.

In January, he has spent at least £600 on going out, when questioned about this he gets defensive and shuts down the conversation, threatens to stay 'at work' longer or at worst just hurls abuse, last time he threatened to kick me out to stay with my DM (he knows she can't accommodate heavily pregnant me and DD as thanks to bedroom tax she had to give up her home last year and now lives in the middle of nowhere in another relatives house).

I am at the end of my tether. My hopes of saving up to move somewhere by the time DS came along are laughably far off the mark (unless miracles happen in the next few days). I have no savings and would be reliant on housing benefit which rules out most rentals, the only option for me is emergency accommodation or shutting up and staying put under DMIL and DFIL's roof (they are lovely and understand what he's like so wouldn't kick me out themselves).

I'm due later this week, he has returned home today after another weekend of no contact, started throwing his weight around and point scoring over whether DD needed a bath tonight and within seconds called me a fucking bitch for (albeit not the nicest thing to say) sarcastically suggesting he knows best since he's the one waltzing in and out of DDs life while I know the daily routine. Apparently this comment also warrants being screamed at to shut the fuck up, in front of DD.

Then later when in tried to explain to him that we need him around, he is loved and wanted but that the truth still stands that he chooses when to be a dad and when to live a young free and single drug fuelled lifestyle, I was told not to fucking talk to him and that as soon as the kids were grown up I'd be left with nothing and I'd be a bitter old woman.

Reading this back I feel pathetic. So many toxic relationship alarm bells. He clearly doesn't want to be with me and isn't ready for fatherhood and the responsibility it entails. Or am I just being mental and hormonal? If that's the case please don't flame me as I already feel this close to a break down.

babiesbelikewhat Mon 02-Feb-15 23:06:28

Sorry it's so long!

Solasum Mon 02-Feb-15 23:10:11

I think you are being remarkably lucid, actually. He is adding nothing to your life, and is treating his children and you abysmally. You deserve so much better than this

KatelynB Mon 02-Feb-15 23:10:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuluJakey1 Mon 02-Feb-15 23:11:00

Leave him. Go as far away as possible from him. He is pathetic, self- indulgent, nasty and abusive.

RJnomore Mon 02-Feb-15 23:11:23

I'm going to take a really practical approach to asking you a couple of questions

Why are you continuing to pay his business rent?
If you have the bank account, why is he able to access £600 from it to party?

Perhaps if you think about changing those things you will be able to start saving to get out - and yes, it's an awful situation, I have no intention of flaming you as it isn't your fault, but do not be passive in letting this happen to you and your children. Take control and your money into your own hands.

The timing is awful for you but your life and your children's lives can be so much more than they will be with this man.

shadowfax07 Mon 02-Feb-15 23:13:36

The first thing I think I'd be doing is refusing to let him have your bank card again, is there any reason he can't have his own bank account? Start taking control back.

YoullLikeItNotaLot Mon 02-Feb-15 23:13:46

He despises you?
HE despises YOU?

Bin the prick.

Why would you be the one moving out?

Branleuse Mon 02-Feb-15 23:14:22

You really really need to get away from him. Hes completely abusive

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 02-Feb-15 23:14:43

I think it's important to say that you sound neither mental nor hormonal. Unfortunately you're saddled with a selfish, unreliable man who has no sense of personal or family responsibility and who seems to have put as much effort and thought into acquiring a wife and children as other people give to choosing a sandwich.

I can't imagine your life would be any worse if he wasn't in it.

Solasum Mon 02-Feb-15 23:15:10

How do his parents respond when he swears at you in front of the DC? Any chance they'd encourage him to go to rehab?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 02-Feb-15 23:15:16

You sound far too kind, practical and clear-headed to let your kids grow up seeing their dad spending the family's money on drugs, and calling their mum a "fucking bitch".

It's like you're paralysed and can't escape though. WHY are you working so hard (both money and energy) to make this man feel loved and needed? What does he do to make you feel loved and needed? You're looking after three people (including yourself) and he can't even keep his brain in his head. It's over, I think you know it. Make a resolution that this new baby will never witness their mum verbally or emotionally abused.

AdoraBell Mon 02-Feb-15 23:16:58

No. You are not being mental, or hormonal. Although pregnancy can make us feel hormonal that is not what is happening here.

He is abusive and both you and the DCs really will be better off without him.

Try speaking to Women's Aid, they have something called Freedom Programme. Others will be able to link to their website. They can really help you if you call them.

Churchillian Mon 02-Feb-15 23:20:08

Sounds horrible. I don't this is pregnancy hormones at all, just being with someone who is abusive and irresponsible. I felt really sad reading your post that you spend most weekends just waiting for him to turn up. (And when he does, he's horrible - may be on a come down?)

I think from your post that you could afford to be a single parent if you weren't subsidising your DH's 'lifestyle'? Maybe after your son has been born and you're fully recovered you could start to look into this further? It doesn't sound like your DH is going to change.

GirlDownUnder Mon 02-Feb-15 23:25:20

I'm really sorry to ask this, but how sure are you that this party life style, disappearing for whole weekends, and out of his tree on acid and probably anything else going doesn't include an OW or ONS?

ClockwiseCat Mon 02-Feb-15 23:29:06

The best thing that could happen for your 'D'H is that his parents kick HIM out of their house and keep you and DC there to allow you to build up some funds. Claim whatever you're entitled to and get shot of this complete bastard.

We all feel like running away from our responsibilities at times. Retreating to another room for half an hour with a cup of tea = normal / acceptable. Disappearing for entire weekends doing god knows what = no brainer, get rid of this twat!

ChasedByBees Mon 02-Feb-15 23:31:39

He is abusive and damaging to your and your children. You need to leave. Change your PIN for a start so he can't use your card.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Mon 02-Feb-15 23:34:42

Well the first and most obvious step is for you to stop funding him, his business rent and his party lifestyle.

horseygeorgie Mon 02-Feb-15 23:36:22

Oh honey. You are better than this. He is an egotistical, shallow, wanker if a 'man' and I don't thing you want you children growing up and thinking this is the right way to treat people. It isn't normal hon. Get some help (many useful posters with fab advice here) and get out before you really regret it.

aturtlenamedmack Mon 02-Feb-15 23:46:42

It sounds like an absolutely horrendous situation to be living in.
He's taking from you emotionally and financially and you are getting nothing back.
You need what he's taking from you for yourself and for your children.
You are absolutely not overreacting to his behaviour, under reacting if anything.
Are you able to stay where you are and ask him to move out? Or would you be unable to afford the rent?
Change your PIN and keep hold of your card, make sure you're in the best financial situation possible, bite the bullet and get rid.

dumdiddydumdiddydee Mon 02-Feb-15 23:51:32

My DB is a musician and sang in a really successful band for years and still has a recording contract as a solo artist. He never would have treated his DW like this and neither did any of the other members of the band who are almost all married with young families. Sure there were parties alright, but once the babies started to arrive, these got fewer, in fact the last few years of the band were quite sedate really.

I just can't imagine any of the guys in that band treating their wives or children like this. It just wouldn't have happened. They were and are totally committed parents and husbands. Being in the music industry is not an excuse to behave like a prick, get him out of your life, this is going to get a lot worse for you I think.

springydaffs Tue 03-Feb-15 00:03:28

Blimey. I've known plenty of people in the music business and they're not like this.

Get rid of him. He's a total fuckwit, and abusive to boot. Get rid.

Think how much money you'd make! �600pm at least . Dear me, he's a complete waste of space as things stand. It's like having a relationship with a wet cardboard box.

I feel for you. But you can do this girl.

babiesbelikewhat Tue 03-Feb-15 00:43:18

Thank you all, seeing it written down in black and white makes me realise it's not normal.

To answer some of your questions, he's always maintained he doesn't have an account after an ex rinsed him for a load of money resulting in his bankruptcy and lots of debts some years ago. Hence from fairly early on in our relationship his wages (old job) got paid into his dad's acc and transferred into mine. He is now eligible for a new basic bank acc and I've researched this for him but he has no up to date ID and like I said is rarely here so I've never got round to sorting it (not that it's my responsibility but he's hopeless/lazy with paperwork so onus is on me).

Re. Subsidising his rent, him taking card etc. he's always moving the goal posts, for example will say I've been paid this and this, x is profit so we can pay living costs out of that earlier in the month and then it turns out x isn't profit, or he overspends elsewhere and we have to play catch up. Like I said every time I try and dig deeper it results in an argument, similarly on the occasions when I've refused card I get told it's basically our card not mine and refusal to let him take it (usually 3 mins before he leaves the house) means he can't physically get to work a and therefore I'm doing the family out of money by disallowing it. Frequently I am left with whatever cash is knocking about, on the understanding that apparently I can just transfer funds to DMIL to get me cash out if need be, however this only works if she's not at work herself or if I know in advance to ask her. Otherwise we get situations like last weekend where I was left with £4 cash ostensibly to last overnight and he took 4 days to come back, meanwhile I have to go cap in hand to DMIL which I hate doing.

I am just so exhausted by it all that anything I can do to keep the peace I will but I admit it allows him to bully me into getting his own way.

Financially I am in no position to go it alone yet unless I go for the dreaded emergency council accommodation. I have just gone on mat leave so my wages are minimal, haven't got a great credit history (made worse since being with DH), so most letting agents would laugh in my face and private lets are few and far between. I admit I'm not brilliant with money myself but I really really want to dig myself out of the hole we're in and grow up financially, whereas he still thinks it appropriate to buy a £160 guitar pedal leaving us with fuck all to buy a cheap tandem pushchair / new baby sling in the month that we're desperately going to need one hmm

I'm not sure what I get out of this tbh, other than I'm so exhausted and scared to go it alone and I hate the arguments, for my DDs sake as much as my own so I will just try and keep the peace as much as poss. Plus I hate the awkwardness if being under his parent's roof while this is happening.

They are lovely but bury their heads in the sand and don't want to give him an excuse to permanently decamp to his studio so bite their tongues. It feels like we all just tiptoe around him. Half the time he is here he is asleep or moody (on a come down of course), MIL and I now hate Wednesdays because of this!

I know I need to get out, just don't have the strength and still feel so emotionally tied to him and generally wobbly that I find it hard to look at it from a mercenary, detached POV. Plus there is some truth in what he says, I must have pushed him away somehow. Funny thing is he's the one who suggested having DC to me!

springydaffs Tue 03-Feb-15 00:49:39

Just thought of a good friend's husband who is in the music business - yes, he's out a lot but nothing like this. And they don't even have kids!

btw it's not you he despises, it's real life and real responsibilities he despises. And also, I'd just like to say that 'coming down' after extensive bingeing on godknowswhat is NO EXCUSE to abuse you, shout at you, ignore the responsibilities he has to you and the kids, spend [your] money like water, etc. NO EXCUSE.

That studio he lost because of 'pure bad luck'... hmm . I'd put a huge question mark over his account of that iiwy. In fact I'd put a huge question mark over his account of anything tbh.

babiesbelikewhat Tue 03-Feb-15 00:51:06

Sorry last bit didn't make much sense, tired, banging headache to blame! I mean he always excuses his absence by saying I push him away, I'm cold to him etc which if it true is a result of resentment that had built up over his behaviour. And that he needs to have a break from the stress of family / financial situation , but the original idea to try for DC was floated by him!

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