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Husband Caught in Au Pair's Room

(322 Posts)
random1 Sun 01-Feb-15 11:01:41

Hi all. This is my first posting. I'm worried and not sure what to think. My husband and I have been together for 19 years. We almost broke up 5 years ago after our marriage got so bad that we both turned to other people outside our marriage, something we both regret but also something that made us communicate better and appreciate each other more. It's still tough at times but our relationship overall is so much better than ever before. (Other than a bit more arguing, but mainly over the past snd jealousy ). We have 4 children and have had 5 au pairs over the past 4 years. And I've trusted him with them every time. But yesterday, I was shattered after work. We have a fantastic sex life and feel very lucky. I have never said no to him. But yesterday, I just wanted to sleep, so turned him down. I didn't mention he drinks a lot of wine. And he fid this whilst I was sleeping. I woke when he left our bedroom and caught him rummaging in our au pair's bag snd hoing through her dirty laundry basket and having a really big sniff of her knickers. I confronted him and he denied it at first even though he knew I had seen him. Now he keeps apologising but says I don't make him happy sexually anymore. Yet says he doesn't fancy the au pair and he doesn't kjow why he did it. I thought we were happy. I feel numb. The au pair doesn't know as far as I know. I can't look her in the face. She is fantastic with the children. But I don't know if this is the start of more problems. I have told him no more wine in the house ever. But, I don't have the energy to fight for our marriage anymore.

Nolim Sun 01-Feb-15 11:02:32

Couples therapy?

MinceSpy Sun 01-Feb-15 11:05:26

To be honest I'd show him the door.

MyRightFoot Sun 01-Feb-15 11:08:30

knicker sniffing is more common than u think. id estimate fifty per cent of men will do it, given half the chance. your poor au pair has had her privacy totally disrespected. i would be showing him the door, how can u respect him now? the facy you 'never say no' to him just feeds his sense of entitlement. alcohol has nothing to do with it.

Altinkum Sun 01-Feb-15 11:08:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieScarlettreregged Sun 01-Feb-15 11:09:15

So he gets caught face full in the au pairs underwear and turns it around on you?
Nice work, pervert.

magoria Sun 01-Feb-15 11:09:15

Yuck. Poor bloody au pair has a dirty letch going through her underwear and smelling it.

She has to live in the same house as that. The least you can do is put a decent look on her room for her privacy and protection.

Is an aupair an employee? If she is I am guessing she is employed by bottom you so a sexual harassment claim will be against you as much as him.

Whether so or not your H is disgusting.

It doesn't matter one shit the shape of his sex life with you.

Joysmum Sun 01-Feb-15 11:09:16

If he wanted to sniff knickers he could have sniffed yours.

He's looking outside the marriage again. You've got problems because his answer when he's mot satisfied is to look elsewhere rather than have a wank when you've not been in the mood for sex. He puts his needs for sexual gratification before the needs of the marriage.

I won't even address the rights of your au pair as I'm so disgusted sad

magoria Sun 01-Feb-15 11:09:58

Bottom = both of

AnnieLobeseder Sun 01-Feb-15 11:10:36

I could of stay with someone who sniffed other women's dirty underwear, especially without their knowledge. What a disgusting creepy thing to do. I also couldn't stay with someone who would seek sexual gratification elsewhere (no matter what from it took) if I happened to not be in the mood for just one night.

What you choose to do about it is up to you. But he doesn't seem to have any respect for you or the au pair as human beings instead of as objects of sexual gratification.

paxtecum Sun 01-Feb-15 11:11:23

Reminds me of my XH.
I now look back and think why did I put it up with any of it.

I'd get rid tbh (DH not au pair).

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 01-Feb-15 11:11:41

I think your marriage was probably holed below the water line at the point where things were so bad that you both had affairs and his recent knicker-sniffing exploits just sunk it.

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 01-Feb-15 11:12:03

hmm

It's over

Quiero Sun 01-Feb-15 11:12:09

What. The. Fuck?

however Sun 01-Feb-15 11:13:07

I think the au pair needs to go, unfortunately. She's been violated, in a way, even if she is unaware of it.

cathpip Sun 01-Feb-15 11:14:35

If I was this au pairs mother I would be collecting my daughter, she may be fantastic with the children but this invasion of her privacy is quiet frankly disgusting and very wrong. What would you do as a mother? If he doesn't fancy the au pair then why was he sniffing her knickers.........

GirlDownUnder Sun 01-Feb-15 11:15:17

Poor you - that's horrible.
You don't don't make him happy sexually and his answer is to sniff someone else used (assuming) knickers hmm

And if I was your au pair and I found out my boss was in my room sniffing my knickers I'd feel angry, violated, shocked, hurt, etc so I'm hoping he feels way more ashamed than you!

MinceSpy Sun 01-Feb-15 11:16:05

However why does the au-pair have to go? She's the innocent victim of his perversion.

SoMuchForSubtlety Sun 01-Feb-15 11:18:00

Oh the poor au pair. I know she doesn't know but still. The man has boundary issues - that's creepy stalkerish behaviour; he's not showing her or you any respect.

I agree with Annie, it seems like he sees women (in a sexual context) as objects that are "his". Why else would someone have the temerity to (a) invade someone's personal space, (b) rummage through their stuff, (c) take their private things, and (d) use those things in a sexual way (as I'm struggling to think of another reason to sniff undies)? Yuck.

That would seriously worry me OP. What else is he capable of?

LaurieFairyCake Sun 01-Feb-15 11:18:42

Oh that's so bad.

It's so disrespectful (sniffing a womans knickers who doesn't know) - it's so anti women, so creepy and repulsive.

I just couldn't be with a man who disrespected women that much. Once the respect has gone (more important than feeling the love every minute of the day) it's over.

You always need to respect your partner. You can even respect them as an individual who makes mistakes. But respect someone who abuses womens trust? Nope, not for me.

SisterStickEm Sun 01-Feb-15 11:19:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morethanpotatoprints Sun 01-Feb-15 11:19:33

Tell him to go, when he has, tell the au pair and buy her some new underwear.
The disgusting get.
It seems like it was over when you both felt the need for an affair tbh, and he will keep looking for his thrills outside the marriage too.

HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch Sun 01-Feb-15 11:20:17

Fifty per cent of men will sniff knickers?!!

Redglitter Sun 01-Feb-15 11:20:17

50% of men would sniff knickers????

Seriously shock

where the hell does that figure come from

RandomNPC Sun 01-Feb-15 11:22:40

knicker sniffing is more common than u think. id estimate fifty per cent of men will do it, given half the chance.

What the fuck is this?
Complete bullshit.

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