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DV from 16 year old son - how can I help him?

(137 Posts)
Somethingtodo Thu 22-Jan-15 11:59:37

I have also posted this on teenagers www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/2288906-Abusive-violent-son-What-to-do?

- but wanted some perspective around DV and what I should be doing - WA? Can I stop my son's DV...will he be an abuser all his life?

Oldest son has always been stubborn, moody, aggressive and antagonistic with the family. He is v social and charming out of the home. He frequently punched me, and verbally abuses me during his angry rages and smashes up my house.

My STBXH stood by and watched and I eventually went to the police and his school this time last year (back story here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1599899-Is-being-an-avoider-a-marriage-deal-breaker)

....he got a caution, the school were great and he has not punched me since.

We have now decided to separate after a long 30 year relationship. STBXH has moved out. Ds has taken this really badly (other 3 younger siblings were shocked, angry but have got on with it)....he is now raging with me -- standing over me growling, red faced, teeth clenched, dribbling saliva and punching me in the head repeatedly -- but pulling back just before contact (as he knows I will contact the police again). He has smashed up my home -- manhandles me by physically shoving me out of his room. He screams at his 8 year little sister and calls her a cunt because she drinks her water too loudly.

He has decided to rebel and self-sabotage his education (lower 6th) by not doing any work. He is drinking and has started smoking weed at the weekend.

I want to help him not punish him - what do I do.

I have guilt that our marriage was toxic and he heard too much anger and frustration from me - so this is what I deserve - reap what you sow etc.

MmeMorrible Thu 22-Jan-15 12:07:19

Apologies if you have already done this but I would be seeking an urgent referral to CAMHS via my GP. He clearly needs help managing his anger.

The Youngminds website may have some resources that are helpful or a number to call for advice www.youngminds.org.

Best of luck.

DaygloYellowLady Thu 22-Jan-15 12:12:20

I don't have any insight into your situation but I didn't want to read and run. You poor thing, I really hope things get better for you, its not your fault. We're all products of our upbringing but by the same token we choose our own actions and at the age of 16 he's old enough to know what's right and wrong.

however Thu 22-Jan-15 12:49:44

I understand he is your son, but he is physically manhandling you and therefore I'd call the police again. The main reason being that your daughter is being exposed to it. Sorry you are going through this.

however Thu 22-Jan-15 12:50:55

...actually I don't know categorically what I'd do. I have an 8 year old, but I don't have a violent 16 year old. I'm sure if I did, I'd love him just the same and it would be a terribly hard situation.

Somethingtodo Thu 22-Jan-15 12:54:23

I will go to the GP. I have contacted his school. they were very helpful last year at the time when I reported him to the police. But maybe that was just a sticking plaster and he needs proper specialist help.

MmeMorrible Thu 22-Jan-15 15:29:39

Sorry my link was wrong before its

[www.youngminds.org.uk] they have a helpline for parents that you may find useful.

Waiting times for CAHMS referrals can be excessive and clearly not helpful in this situation. May be worth considering asking GP about a private referral if that is an option for you?

LurkingHusband Thu 22-Jan-15 15:39:12

Just a tip, but ensure it's childrens mental health services that get involved. They (apparently) can carry on into adulthood. We had some issues with our DS and were warned that the system will try to treat them as an adult as it's cheaper which is much less rigorous.

AnotherStitchInTime Thu 22-Jan-15 15:47:38

You need to call the Police and have him arrested. He is violent and abusive. He is abusive to your younger children. It is a safeguarding issue as well as DV. He needs to be removed from your home and live elsewhere whilst receiving treatment.

He needs specialist help. Social Services and CAMHS can work with the Police to get this for him. You need to do this asap not just for yourself and your other children, but also for him. He is on the boundary of being old enough for Adult Services it would be better if he was seen first under Children's Services and CAMHS. If you leave it much longer that will not be possible.

Somethingtodo Thu 22-Jan-15 18:28:10

Thanks - I will see GP and get a referral to CAMHS or private if possible. I will lay down the expectations -- he can clearly control himself as he did not punch me - but he is pushing every other boundary. I will make it clear that if he man handles me, damages any more of my home or is verbally abusive to my children he will move out immediately.

tribpot Thu 22-Jan-15 18:32:56

He's smashed up your home. Why haven't you called the police?

Meerka Thu 22-Jan-15 18:32:56

I think he needs specialist help quickly too. This is appalling for your other children, for you and for him too.

Northernparent68 Thu 22-Jan-15 18:43:39

Can he live with his father ?

Midori1999 Thu 22-Jan-15 18:43:51

I don't really know what to say, but I wanted to post for support. What a dreadful situation to be in, for everyone. I hope CAHMS and the GP can help. I do know referrals to CAHMS can be fast tracked if it's urgent, which I'm sure this would be viewed as. Good luck.

coolaschmoola Thu 22-Jan-15 18:48:12

I understand that you want to help him but he is abusing your little girl. If I was you I'd ring social services and work WITH them, before one of your children tells someone else and they turn up at your door wanting to know why you aren't protecting your daughter.

I know I sound harsh but you need to do something now. If a 16 year old stranger did these things would you call the police?

Tryingtobehappier Thu 22-Jan-15 18:50:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein Thu 22-Jan-15 18:57:26

OP, you have to go the police, partly for his benefit. If you protect him from the consequences of his actions he will go on and do something worse. You have to put your safety and that of your younger children first.

You also need to go the GP tomorrow and get a fast track referral for CAMHS, you can also call your local Crisis mental health team.

Is there any possibly he can go and live with his dad for the time being?

Somethingtodo Thu 22-Jan-15 19:09:08

His Dad is a disaster - I might as well throw him to the lions/off the pier (see link on my initial post above). His Dad is currently living with his alcoholic mother in her filthy one bed flat.

I have contacted his school (he is 16) and they will arrange counseling but this may not be adequate. I will go to GP tomorrow - as I think he needs more specialist support.

Trying - I am impressed and delighted that what you have done is the right thing and he has turned his life around.

I could move him in with one of my sisters.

trackrBird Thu 22-Jan-15 19:19:59

I remember you, OP.
It's good to hear your STBX has moved out, at least.
I agree with pp that this is a police matter. Can you speak to them on 101, and see what they advise. If he threatens again, or punches at you - that's an emergency.

If he behaves like this in the outside world, he may find the only help on offer is a custodial sentence. So let's hope he follows up any help available to him now.

I really feel for you, and hope you find the support you need. You absolutely do not deserve this, please don't for a second think that you do.

WasWildatHeart Thu 22-Jan-15 19:34:36

Sorry to hear of your troubles. Many Councils are setting up Early Help services for families, offering early intervention for all sorts of needs. Do find out what is available in our area by asking Children's Services or school.

FatChanceCafe Thu 22-Jan-15 19:40:11

My brother was like this and there is clearly somemthing wrong with your son and weed and drink isn't helping.Personally you need to seek help snd if he continues and doesnt want to get help then there is mithing you can do but get him out of your house.I know thats hard but my brother caused problems for years.That should be a condition of him staying.Getting help.You or your children cant stay in this environment.

Twinklestein Thu 22-Jan-15 20:02:55

I think you should call Respect OP.

They run dv perp programmes and develop interventions for young people 10 to 25 years who use violence and abuse in close relationships.

Specifically I would ask about their 'adolescent-parent violence and abuse programme', and see if there are any links in your local area.

Levismum Thu 22-Jan-15 21:56:35

Lots of really good advice already. Ultimately you need to think of your family as a whole.

The reality of mental health services/Camhs etc, is long waiting lists for very little actual help.

I appreciate he's 16. He has choices. Your younger children do not.

Hope you can access some help & support. Best of luck.

Anomaly Thu 22-Jan-15 23:31:46

Please get him out of the house. My brother was vile to my Mum, completely unpredictable towards me and made living at home a pretty unpleasant experience and I was a lot older than your daughter. She needs protecting from him. It is so scary living with a violent and angry person even if they aren't violent towards you. With hindsight my parents should have protected their younger children rather than doing what they saw as protecting him from himself. If they had kicked him out to stand on his own two feet I suspect his life would be a million times better than it is today. My relationship with my brother now is very limited I see him if I have to at family gatherings. I'm civil but that's as far as it goes.

Honestly do him a favour and lay the law down and stick to it.

Canyouforgiveher Thu 22-Jan-15 23:39:16

OP, my heart goes out to you. he may not be punching you but you are being assaulted (in the legal definition of being put in fear of physical harm). It is doing no one any good for you to continue the way you are now.

Many mental health issues in adolescents manifest as anger - even though that manifestation is not usual in adults. He needs specialist help now. Like others said the weed and drink are self-medications that will not help but will make it worse.

In the meantime, you and your other children need to feel safe in your own home. If you have to make a hard decision that affects one of your children I think it should affect the older child who is the one being violent. Not the younger one who has no control over her environment at all.

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