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Happy after separation...

4 replies

ThreeBs · 12/01/2015 11:28

First time poster. Lurked for a while now.
My partner and I are separating. I'm gutted. We have been together for about 5 years and have one son together. I have one son from a previous relationship, and he has three kids (my step kids).
The relationship has been bad for a year or so - no support from either side through a very stressful year. I was sure that I wanted it to end a few months ago and was very confident that I wanted to be out of the relationship. We worked together and I quit my job to try and take the strain off our relationship, home life and stress. It came too late and now even though we have been getting on better than we have done for a long time, he is adamant that he never wants to risk going back to 'that place'.
So, I'm scared. Scared of being on my own, scared of being without him.
I've read loads of threads where people say that they are happy, that they look back and can see that it was the right thing to do. I can't imagine being in that place right now. Is everyone happy after a while or does anyone actually spend years and years grieving for their lost relationship?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2015 11:52

It's too individual an experience to be able to put timescales on grief or give measurements for pain. There's a process most people go through, however, which is that the initial shock and disorientation gives way eventually and the good days start to outnumber the bad ones. Sometimes it helps to find some indignation and anger rather than stay stuck in 'gutted'.... that can give you energy and motivation. Definitely helps to be with people who can support you and to keep yourself busy.

If you're scared of being on your own, for example, prioritise being sociable and making friends.

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ThreeBs · 12/01/2015 11:59

Thanks for replying. Sometimes I'm fine, I'm confident, I have plans (social life with and without my kids, further education, a job etc), and then within a minute I'm have that gutted feeling again.
I'm sure I will be fine. I have friends and some family close. I suppose I'm denying that this is happening to me - I'm gutted that he won't give us another six months to make things better, to how they were 18 months ago when we were both happy!

I'm looking for a new house and a new job and until I actually leave, my home life will be very busy (5 kids, after school clubs etc). I have never enjoyed my own company and always had people round me.

I'm garbling... My head is all over the place. I just need to know that I will get over this.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2015 12:08

Head all over the place sounds right to me. My personal experience was quite severe 'all over the place' for about two years post separation. We've never seen each other since the day he left (no kids) so I don't know if that made it better or worse. If it's only been a few months since things ended, you're bound to still be emotionally rattled.

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ThreeBs · 12/01/2015 13:44

Well it's been coming for a while, confirmed within the past week! I suppose looking for a job and house should keep my mind off it. I feel pathetic sometimes, asking him to try.
I have a million things going through my head. I wake up and feel ok for about 10 seconds and then sometimes just burst into tears.