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how do you/can you forgive (dv/addiction)?

(11 Posts)
Beatrixemerald Sun 11-Jan-15 20:35:59

Trying to keep as brief as possible. My husband had/has an addiction problem which came to light during pregnancy, he quit but startef again behind my back the night I was in hospital following an emcs.
I found out after two months, and left and went to my parents. He promised it would change but it didn't.
He was absolutely rubbish with dd the first3.5 months and after 6 he still has never done a whole night with me. I am ebf (although we are now introducing food) so that was his reasoning for never getting up. dd slept 1 hr per night the first few weeks it was hell. She is a lot better now but I am still totally knackered. 3 months ago we had an argument in the morning, I was holding dd and he launched at me and shook me really hard, dd was screaming in
fright and I was terrified. He let go of me, threw the hoover across the landing and went to his brothers.
Since then a lot has happened, he has started attending narcotics anonymous daily, hasnt touched drugs or alcohol since
and enrolled on a domestic violence and abuse course which he attends weekly for about 8 months.
on the surface he appears to be accepting responsibility and isnt losing hs temper.and I am fully aware I am pushing and pushing to see if he will, I am so angry with him for doing this to us. I also accept I married him knowing his short comings but my whole perspective has changed since having dd, I only want a happy and loving . environment for her. I think. because of . everything that has happened the bond between dd and I is even stronger, she sleeps with me (h is in spare.room) and I am totally devoted.to her being happy the whole time, she is luckily a very contented baby.
Anyhow, in all honesty I would like.my.marriage to work but it all.seems such a mess.and I dont know where to start.
Any advice from anyone with similar.experience would be great.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Jan-15 21:04:43

You can't change someone's behaviour.... only they can do that. You are not obliged ro endure shitty trearment just because you knew what he was like when you married him. You are allowed to change your mind .... for any reason. Your sole responsibility is to yourself. Your secondary responsibility is to your children. He is responsible for himself.

Please get yourself away and safe. Let him deal with his vile behaviour on his own time

tigermoll Sun 11-Jan-15 21:32:12

He shook you while you were holding your baby? the reason you find it hard to forgive him is because this is unforgivable.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 11-Jan-15 21:41:23

Well, it's only been three months since he assaulted you, which isn't very long. Do you think he wants the marriage to work, or is he only there because he wants to keep his domestic comforts? You say he has not been drinking or taking drugs for three months, which does show good intentions, but at the same time a recovering addict can be pretty self-obsessed. You might get into a situation where he wants to move back into the same bedroom and if you are not comfortable with that he might start blaming you and acting up and demanding to be forgiven. But you don't actually owe him forgiveness unless and until you feel ready to forgive him. It woul;dn't be hugely unreasonable for you to want him to clear off and sort himself out away from you and DD so you don't have the additional stress of worrying at what point he's going to become aggressive again.

Beatrixemerald Sun 11-Jan-15 22:15:51

solid gold- yes I think he does want it to work, probably more than I do. I agree with him going elsewhere but as I am on mat leave we just cant afford it and family isnt possible.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Jan-15 22:50:33

You're going to have to be exceptionally careful here and take a lot of advice on how to get out of this marriage safely and how to support yourself financially afterwards. Reason I say that is that if/when you tell him it's over you will be at high risk. You cannot rely on a man with a long history of abuse and instability acting reasonably.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Jan-15 22:50:33

You're going to have to be exceptionally careful here and take a lot of advice on how to get out of this marriage safely and how to support yourself financially afterwards. Reason I say that is that if/when you tell him it's over you will be at high risk. You cannot rely on a man with a long history of abuse and instability acting reasonably.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 11-Jan-15 23:41:25

Then talk to Women's Aid, Citizens Advice and a solicitor about getting him removed from the house and prevented from returning. You will be entitled to benefits and he will be obliged to pay maintenance (if he is earning: even if he is not earning some of his benefits will be docked to pay maintenance to you).
If he really wants the marriage to work, he will agree to move out and remain clean of drugs, drink and violence for an absolute minimum of a year, after which you can reconsider getting back with him. Remember that you owe him nothing, not forgiveness, not sex, not 'working on the relationship'. He violently assaulted you and your child. It's up to you, not him to decide whether or not the relationship continues.

ctmummy Mon 12-Jan-15 07:58:31

I would strongly suggest that you go to a local Al-Anon meeting. They can be hugely helpful for people living with addicts, whether in active addiction or in recovery. You'll find lots of support there from people who have been in a similar situation and really understand.

tigermoll Mon 12-Jan-15 11:36:10

Listen to your instincts. You say that 'on the surface' he appears to be doing everything right - NA, staying sober, DV classes etc. But still you don't feel that you can trust him.

LISTEN TO THAT FEELING. It is there to keep you safe. If you don't feel like you can trust him - despite all the actions he is taking - then DON'T trust him.

You don't owe him forgiveness, or another chance, or understanding, regardless of whether he is 'doing everything right'. You don't owe him anything.

getthefeckouttahere Mon 12-Jan-15 11:42:53

You don't have to forgive if you do not wish to. In time you may feel that you do.

No addict has a right to expect forgiveness, thats not how it works. All they can try and do is live their life the right way and hopefully forgiveness will be offered to them. This can take many many years to happen if ever.

Alanon, Gamanaon etc can help YOU with this.

I have only talked about the addiction here. I don't even know where to begin with the DV stuff.:-/

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