Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Quick help - sex with my almost ex tonight?

(17 Posts)
farendofafart Sun 11-Jan-15 20:32:33

Married nearly 20 years. We have been separated for a few months but still been having sex sometimes. It was /is one of the few positives of our relationship as far as I'm concerned. We are highly sexually compatible. But otherwise, not at all compatible. This week I have removed my wedding ring and told H I don't think we will be getting back together. It's painful for both of us but I can't see a way forward.

He is here bathing the DC. He has asked if I want sex later.

I know it would be lovely, we'd both feel wonderful. Neither of us have anyone else. I miss this part of our relationship far above anything else.

But it's just too complicated ... isn't it?

Dowser Sun 11-Jan-15 20:36:05

If you can separate the sex from the rest then go for it.

Will the sex give him hope of a reconciliation.?

Oh heck. I'm out of my depth here. Hope someone comes along who has been more I. This position than me.

Molotov Sun 11-Jan-15 20:40:09

It's too complicated, yes. I think that you should part ways properly i.e. physically as well as emotionally, lest face the potentially messy consequences later.

farendofafart Sun 11-Jan-15 20:40:25

I can separate it at the time but straight afterwards I feel very emotional.

ImperialBlether Sun 11-Jan-15 20:40:45

I wouldn't. Take it as a compliment and be nice to him about it, but say it's better for both of you if you don't do anything.

Shame for you, though!

Molotov Sun 11-Jan-15 20:50:56

You know it isn't right, but you do it because ^it's him^: he's perhaps comforting to you, stable; a man you've been with and intimate with for a long time. Sex is a habit in relationships and if its the only thing that's been working for a while, its a hard habit to break.

Maybe you feel you don't want to hurt him anymore? Was it you who instigated the break up?

But you need to stop and fully separate because all other emotions are invested in this, and it probably will blow up in your face.

ThePriceOfMagic Sun 11-Jan-15 20:52:59

I really wouldn't. A clean break is better all round.

farendofafart Sun 11-Jan-15 21:03:12

Yes it's me that has instigated the break up.

I'm absolutely terrified that I will never feel again the way I feel with him.

How can everything else be so wrong and this be so right?

RandomNPC Sun 11-Jan-15 21:11:45

If you instigated the break up, it seems a bit cruel to be still having sex with him. Unless there is any chance of a reconciliation, of course. I think you need a clean break, you're sending out very mixed messages.

farendofafart Sun 11-Jan-15 21:21:58

I did think there was a chance of reconciliation until recently.

I wish to God there was still a chance.

farendofafart Sun 11-Jan-15 21:23:19

I've sent him home now by the way. No sex. sad

Molotov Sun 11-Jan-15 21:23:48

I guess then, that you feel guilt amongst all other feelings atm. And this is the one remnant of the life you once had together. It can be difficult to let go.

Does he (secretly or not) hope for reconciliation?

By giving him these mixed messages, you're not helping him. You're not helping yourself because it's a head-spin and it's not helping to end the relationship because boundaries are blurred.

Of course you will meet someone else who you connect with smile Time will see to that; letting go of this sexual relationship will enable that.

But unless you really want to be with your H, you should stop.

Molotov Sun 11-Jan-15 21:25:42

You've done the right thing tonight, OP smile

Time will see you right x

EdithWeston Sun 11-Jan-15 21:27:49

Google 'hysterical bonding' - very intense sex around the time of a break up.

It doesn't sound like an exact match for your circumstances, but near enough to be worth a read. It doesn't make reconciliation any more or less likely, it does blot out all sorts of Bad Stuff for a little while. And it'll wear off.

Don't beat yourself up for enjoying it whilst it lasted. It's very common.

Eekaman Mon 12-Jan-15 00:35:33

It's like being half pregnant. :/ One either is, or one isn't.

Op, you asked him to leave, but keeping dangling great sex in front of him. Poor bloke doesn't know whether he's coming or going. I don't think you are being fair to him at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Jan-15 09:10:09

@EdithWeston.... the 'hysterical bonding' is being carried out by the rejected party i.e. him. They are submitting themselves sexually in a vain hope that the OP will change their mind. The OP is being extremely cruel

BolshierAyraStark Mon 12-Jan-15 09:21:54

You need to stop with the sex & let him move on, what you're doing to him is cruel.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now