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This isnt really a marriage, is it?

(15 Posts)
Barefootgirl Sun 11-Jan-15 16:05:42

The big 'thing' is that DH and i haven't had sex for almost 2 years. Not entirely sure that I'd even know what to do any more! He's probably getting it somewhere else, I am fairly sure, but doesnt rub that in my face at least (so to speak).

I am too tired to be a proper wife. I work full time, I am doing a fairly heavy course at college, I have a DC with special needs and an involving hobby who requires a LOT of my attention. I am a school governor, I write a column for the local paper and I am trying to lose three stone! I am exhausted.

I do EVERYTHING in the house. I do all the cooking, the washing-up, the cleaning, the laundry, the gardening, the shopping, all the kid-taxiing that is needed. I do all the car maintenance stuff. i walk the dog and take her and the cats to the vets. i do everything. I also do all the financial stuff, paying non-DD bills, etc.

i think i still love my DH, but i don't like him very much any more. He rarely shows any consideration for me, expects me to run around after him all the time and generally be his mum- which is probably why our sex life is non-existent. i am tired and i do not want to have sex with someone who acts like a teenage son, not like a husband. He has a fairly demanding job which is well-paid. He stays in bed until almsot lunchtime every weekend. i take DD to her hobby most weekends and have to get upo early every day to let the dog out for a wee, so it hardly seems worth going back to bed.

i made a list of the pros and cons of my marriage, and all I could think of to put in the pros lsit was 'habit'. I am afraid that if we split up, that i would lose all my friends, as msot of them are 'our' friends, rather than 'my' friends.

i dont even know what I'm asking, really. I wish i had someone to care for me, to put their arms around me and tell me I'm lovely. I saw a thing on Facebook that said 'one day, someone will hug you so hard that all your broken pieces will stick back together'. i had to go and hide in the loo until the vast wave of self-pity that washed over me receded.

AnyFucker Sun 11-Jan-15 16:17:55

No, it isn't and it makes me feel sad that you exist for him as little more than a housemaid to service his domestic needs while he gets fun and sex elsewhere

why are you doing that ?

Twinklestein Sun 11-Jan-15 16:29:55

Quite apart from your awful husband who expects you to be his skivvy, I think you have too much going on.

Could you maybe drop the column or put the diet on the backburner for a while?

You would probably have substantially more time and energy if you didn't have to deal with your husband's dead weight. You do everything anyway, so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain from separation.

You won't lose all your friends, that's just fear talking...

Btw the FB quote is nonsense.

Horsemad Sun 11-Jan-15 16:31:23

Why are you doing everything in the house?

inlectorecumbit Sun 11-Jan-15 16:35:23

Have you actually spoken to him and told him how you are feeling. In fact just give him your OP initial post to read-see what he says.

Twinklestein Sun 11-Jan-15 16:39:02

Who cares what he says, his behaviour negates the validity of his opinion.

Justwanttomoveon Sun 11-Jan-15 16:47:54

No this is not a marriage. have you spoken to your husband about this at all? If you have and he is still behaving in this way then you have nothing to lose by ending things. I too would not worry about the friends, it's really not worth staying just because of this.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 11-Jan-15 17:01:28

Once you've made it known that you've turfed his selfish and lazy arse out for treating you like an unpaid skivvy you'll probably find that your mutual friends will support you rather than him.

You work full-time, so he should be shouldering the burden equally with you. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Stop cooking and washing his pants. And tell him why when he notices. Or better, get rid of him once and for all.

Wrapdress Sun 11-Jan-15 17:19:26

How sad. If you have to "get rid" of anything in your life in order for it to be less stressful, I would vote for getting rid of your husband. Don't get rid of things you do for yourself - any of it - the writing, the diet, the hobby. It won't help your marriage and you will lose part of who you are.

overslept Sun 11-Jan-15 17:40:33

Stop cooking and washing his pants. When I first read that Bitter... grin

OP this man sounds useless, it sounds as though things would actually be easier if he wasn't even there. You already do all the housework, one less persons mess to clean up and laundry to do might be a blessing.

farendofafart Sun 11-Jan-15 17:57:33

What do you want to do, barefootgirl?

Imagine your life a year from now - what do you want it to look like?

ImperialBlether Sun 11-Jan-15 18:00:38

How the hell do these fucking men justify their behaviour? It is so depressing reading about these men who expect the women to do absolutely everything.

OP, get rid and if your friends don't remain friends with you, they weren't your friends to start with. And do fewer things - you're taking on too much, probably to stop yourself thinking about your life.

Lilybensmum1 Sun 11-Jan-15 18:25:18

So sad to read your post I feel for you, I understand why you stay out of habit it's easy. What is difficult is the new life you would have without him. But ask yourself how much happier would you be?

Your husband has the best of both worlds he does not deserve you. You have one life, live it for you and your DC. Good luck op you sure deserve it.

Handywoman Sun 11-Jan-15 18:43:09

Picture the scene, OP, you and him retired, kids flown the nest etc. how does that feel.
Ditch the freeloading man child. For heavens sake get out while you still can.
I did it and I will NEVER regret it. Nothing is as hard as staying.
thanks

ewecaaaNT Sun 11-Jan-15 20:38:14

When did he become another dependent for you to look after? Has he always been like this?

Tbh out doesn't really matter. He is royally taking the piss. You are his housekeeper, cleaner, childminder and everything else all rolled into one while he does nothing SFA and gets to shag around in the process. He's hit the jackpot with you, hasn't he.

Get some self respect, stop being a door mat and most importantly become a decent relationship role model for your kids and show them this is not an acceptable way to behave from your husband's point of view and from yours for accepting it.

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