In love with my colleague

[MinaMoo]

Have namechanged in case DP recognises me.

About a year ago I was in a very unhappy relationship of 3 years, he was fairly controlling and I felt like shit. We'd not had sex in over a year, which considering we lived together and hadn't been together all that long, was a big thing. He finally admitted that since I put on weight (I ballooned after I started taking antidepressants, although was trying to lose it again) he didn't find me physically attractive. After a few weeks I decided that this on top of everything else was too much. I was at work when I came to this realisation and decided that I would split up with him when I got home. Feeling very nervous, I stupidly thought it best to go for a drink first and ended up going to the pub with a colleague from the kitchens. We've always got on well, there's always been a spark, and when I was telling him about what was going on he was horrified on my behalf, we had a few more to drink, he was very lovely, one thing led to another and instead of going home and splitting up with XP, I ended up going home with this colleague and cheating on my XP.

Absolutely mortified, I told XP straight away the next day, we ended up splitting up. Ever since I have fallen so hard for this colleague. He tells me he's so ashamed with himself not respecting my relationship and is really sorry for being the one I cheated with. He has also told me that if it wasn't for the work element, and me being a bit full-on immediately after the breakup, he would have given us a try.

I only see him once a week at work and in the last year thought I had moved on and got over it. I have a new partner (also through work, so aware of the situation before), who is so sweet and lovely, and I love him to bits. But the past few weeks I've found myself thinking about my colleague again. I spent my entire shift yesterday with him, and we get on so well. He was having a celebratory party at his house last night and invited me and DP along. I suggested it to him and and said I'd like to go. He became very passive-aggressive and told me that he knows I still have feelings for colleague and that he won't be in a relationship in which he doesn't feel respected. Which is completely fair enough. But I meant it would be nice to go to see colleague and the other people there, to have a night out doing something different, not because I wanted to try to get with the host.

I do love my partner. But I have intense feelings for this other man and whenever I think I'm over him something happens and I realise I'm not. I also know that my colleague is warming to the idea of us but obviously respects other people's relationships and won't go there- even I know that as much as I like him, if we did ever somehow end up in a relationship it wouldn't last, we're not compatible in that way, as nice as the idea seems. So why am I already having this emotional affair with him? Why can't I just love my DP and let that be that instead of thinking about this other guy all the time? What do I do to salvage this situation? DP has gone to work and after arguing last night, we are going to talk about how to move forward when he gets home. I'm not sure I want to move forward, it seems pointless if I want someone else, even if I do love DP.

[FelicityGubbins]

Being brutally honest I think your ons with the kitchen colleague was more of a sympathy shag thing than the beginning of a potential relationship. It was what it was and nothing to be ashamed of or regretted, but it's not ever going to go anywhere and you would be daft to pin your hopes on it, and a fool to throw away a good relationship over it.

[MinaMoo]

Thanks Felicity, you're probably right. In fact, I know you're right. But I just can't seem to move on and concentrate on my own good relationship.

[Twinklestein]

I think you're so tangled up in guys you've lost touch with yourself.

I think you probably transferred your initial feelings from your original relationship onto kitchen guy, and then started on the relationship your in now. Without giving yourself time to recover. You're rather swinging from one guy to another...

Peronsally, would end the relationship you're in, take some time out of dating completely, do some therapy to undo the damage done by your ex, and strengthen your sense of self.

Then you can start making decisions about what kind of guy you'd like to be with.

[Twinklestein]

^ you're

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

my colleague is warming to the idea of us

He only seems interested when you are involved with someone else. He wasn't keen to start something when your exP was out of the picture.

Now you're put out your current DP isn't okay with socialising with this man but at the same time you're daydreaming about him. Am I right in saying it's at the back of your mind well if this doesn't work out there's Mr ONS hovering in the background.

[MinaMoo]

Yeah, you are. In truth, I'd like something to happen with Mr ONS but I know it wouldn't last. At the same time I do love DP but know how unfair this is on him, and it is there in the back of my mind that if things don't work out with him there's always Mr ONS.

I feel like an utter bitch for not being happy enough with DP to just want him.

[Wrapdress]

To me this isn't an "emotional affair" you are having with the kitchen guy. I believe "affair" requires it to be mutual. This sounds more like an obsession on your part. Kitchen guy doesn't seem that into you. If he wanted to be with you, he would make it crystal clear.

Sounds like you need some time in no relationship to shore up your sense of self. Maybe look for a new job.

[CleanLinesSharpEdges]

If Mr ONS wanted to be with you, he would. It would have happened by now. But at the time, he offered excuses - if only you didn't work together, if only you weren't so full on, and now he's "warming to the idea of us, but he respects other people's relationships and won't go there"... didn't stop him last time though, did it?

And all the time that Mr ONS is dicking you around, you're being dishonest with your DP and using him as a stopgap. Your treatment of him is really shabby.

You need to ditch all of these guys and be on your own for a year or two while you sort your head out.

[FelicityGubbins]

I don't think you are a bitch at all but you are going to have to be very strict with yourself, lots of "stop being an idiot" and "get a bloody grip" every time you find yourself thinking about him, and try to minimise contact as much as possible. Crushes are horrible but can be overcome if you don't pander to them.

[MinaMoo]

I'm looking for a new job, maybe things will be easier then.

I'm aware how badly I'm treating DP and I really don't want to be. Perhaps it is best to be on my own for a while so I can sort myself out and stop hurting others.

[CleanLinesSharpEdges]

A new job is probably for the best.

Because don't kid yourself that nobody at work has clocked on to your obsession with Mr ONS.

Sounds like you may not have a choice over whether there is any future with your DP now anyway.