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Why am I dreaming about my hated ex

(21 Posts)
Justwanttomoveon Sun 11-Jan-15 11:09:06

I've been having many dreams about my ex, in brief we split 10 months ago, he left for ow who is now pregnant and we have a 4yo ds. We haven't had any contact in 5 weeks.
I don't want him back and am happy not to ever see or hear from him again but I keep dreaming about him.
In the dreams we are on friendly terms and last night the dream ended in me and ow having a fight! I have never had a physical fight in my entire life.
I am doing well I think, considering all the hurt he caused me and my life is moving forward. Is it normal to dream about exes?
I am not seeing anyone new, is my subconscious telling me that I'm not really doing as well as I think I am? Or am I just nuts grin?
Has anyone else experienced this?

Buttercupup Sun 11-Jan-15 12:27:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justwanttomoveon Sun 11-Jan-15 12:43:25

Thanks Buttercup, I don't think that much about him during waking hours as if I find my mind starts thinking about him I quickly think of other things, like my son or the course I've just signed up for. I really wish I didn't remember the dreams but I seem to wake up during them. I think I need to try 'controlling' my dreams, I used to have nightmares when I was a teen about being chased and having no voice and with practice I managed to 'control' them, just hope I can still do it.
Anyway, thanks again for replying smile.

RandomNPC Sun 11-Jan-15 13:36:05

I still dream about all my exes. I still dream about school and I left 30 years ago! It's just your brain trying to make sense of things, dreaming isn't fully understood and sometimes dreams can be unsettling. Just because you're dreaming about something happening, it doesn't mean that you necessarily want it to happen in real life.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 11-Jan-15 17:16:17

At a guess, you know that you don't want him back - and yet the news OW is expecting woke up old memories. I agree, you are processing emotions.

In your dreams you somehow get on, achieving civil even friendly terms with ex - you have had DS it is understandable you might hope for a truce over the next 12 years for DS's sake. The OW, well you owe her nothing and unlike rl where you might not meet for some time and then only be mindful of polite convention, asleep you can give her what for.

Sounds a healthy safe way of working through deep feelings. Perhaps when your course starts you're going to focus on something new and absorbing so your sleep pattern will shift.

Justwanttomoveon Sun 11-Jan-15 18:00:58

Thank you Random and Donkeys, I think finding out about the pregnancy has stirred some (unwanted) emotions. Hopefully starting this course will give me something to focus on.
I would love to be amicable with him but he is such a shit father to our ds that I find it extremely difficult which is why I have no contact with him. He has tried calling once during the past 5 weeks but I cant bring myself to speak to him. The last time he had our ds he took him to a dingy little pub, I know he is regularly taking cocaine and is alcohol dependant so I feel justified in not exposing my ds to him, although if he addressed these issues I would gladly allow contact. Sorry I'm going on now, rant over! Thanks again for replying

overslept Sun 11-Jan-15 18:15:23

I second everybody else saying that your brain is just processing some emotions and thoughts.

On a side note, in the fight were your arms all floppy? As if you couldn't even tear through paper with those marshmallow arms? I always get that in dreams confused

lyspaere Sun 11-Jan-15 18:17:55

it doesn't necessarily mean you want him back.

I had an x years ago (before children) and he dumped me and I was devastated. It took a long time to get over it. Then, after I really was over it, I was confused when I would wake up having dreamt that I was with him again. I realised that it correlated with feeling in real life that I was compromising my integrity somehow.

When I feel threatened or bullied I dream of the children's father.

Justwanttomoveon Sun 11-Jan-15 18:22:53

Overslept I am usually like that my dreams but this time I was pulling chunks of her hair out and she wouldn't hit back. This is strange because from what I know of her she has had a lot of fights including fights with men. She is physically a lot bigger than me so I doubt I would get the upper hand in a real fight with her. My friend says she reminds her of the honey monster grin.

Handywoman Sun 11-Jan-15 18:30:03

This happens to me, too. I am as near to NC as poss since splitting with my ex, who is also a shit dad (although with alcohol and cocaine in the mix your ex is some special kind of shit...)

I also find myself dreaming about the ex. Even that I am pregnant by him (horrific).

I think even though there is minimal contact their absence remains palpable, there is emotional space ever present: marked: 'insert decent parent here'.

I think your cognitive self moves forward more slowly than the emotional self, hence the dreams.

As pp have said, the dreams indicate some processing. Which can only be a good thing. an aside, what a concern re the pregnancy and substance misuse. And taking your ds to a dingy pub??? Are you going to alert Children's Services on behalf of this unborn babe? You can do it anonymously.

Justwanttomoveon Sun 11-Jan-15 18:35:20

I think I should alert children's services, I feel so sorry for the baby, they are both very alike and take drugs and drink to excess, they have fights with each other and my ex was in court last year for assaulting her. I have seen him on two occasions with black eyes which she gave him and she has had her hands round his throat more than once. What chance has this poor baby got with these two as parents.

Handywoman Sun 11-Jan-15 18:58:54

Make the call to children's services. They will action it. No need to give your identity, there are more than enough concerns to start an investigation.

overslept Sun 11-Jan-15 19:23:49

I have seen him on two occasions with black eyes which she gave him and she has had her hands round his throat more than once

Report. That poor baby, a helpless child should not be in this environment. She sounds revolting and unstable.

Justwanttomoveon Sun 11-Jan-15 20:00:20

They are both disgusting. I actually told him I would report them and he said "well we know it will be you if anything happens and no one likes a grass" I couldn't give a toss what anyone thinks, I am not doing it to be spiteful, I am genuinely concerned about the baby. Her own mother died from a heroine overdose when she was 7 so you would think she would behave better for her own child.

overslept Sun 11-Jan-15 20:12:43

* he said "well we know it will be you if anything happens and no one likes a grass"*

He obviously has something to be worried about! Any rational person would be baffled at a threat of being reported and be more than happy to allow social services etc in to their home to show them that nothing was wrong.

Justwanttomoveon Sun 11-Jan-15 20:37:19

Overslept my thoughts exactly.

orangefusion Sun 11-Jan-15 21:13:29

What you are dreaming is natural. You are working through your feelings and desires in the safety of a dream. But dreams being dreams dont work out the way real life does and her not fighting back is possibly your worst nightmare- that you are attacking her and she is in the right. BUT it is JUST a dream and so you can take from it what you need.

If it were my dream, I would think:
I am angry with her (she is instrumental in the breakdown of my relationship)
I want to hit her (ditto)
If I do hit her (in RL) that would make me a bad person (mind showing you the consequences of flying off the handle- reminding you NOT to hit her in RL)
She does not fight back- if I hit her there will be consequences because SHE did not start it (he did)

I am 16 years on from a split that sounds very similar and I still have those dreams. I also have dreams that we (me and her) are about to become friends but I always want to do something (hit her, spit at her, remember who the hell she is) in time to stop me. When I wake up I am so relieved to remember that it was all in the past and I did not hit her or make friends with her.

Dreams are great. Get a good dreamwork analysis book and write your dreams down. Write in the present tense (I am about to hit her... I feel... etc) and then having written all you can remembe: Reflect on what messages are coming out from them. Often they will be more obvious than you think... if she wont hit back- is that linked to a message you were given as a child "dont hit back"... or "turn the other cheek", these kinds of messages are played out in technicolor in dreams. In dreams you play all the roles- so even she is you (I know, it is horrid to imagine that) and what she does is what you might be inclined to do in that situation.

I will go and find my dreamwork books and see if I can find the best title for you if you want to have a go at a fuller analysis? Dont read dreambooks that are dictionaries of symbols- your symbols are your own and they are unique to you. It takes time to discover what your dream world is telling you but it is worth listening to.

I am so sorry for you to be going through this, it is hell. It will get better. Even the baby stuff will get better, especially if you keep your distance. You will be able to go out and have fun and they will be stuck at home with a baby. You will always be further on than they are. Be smug in that smile

orangefusion Sun 11-Jan-15 21:19:31

Ah it has all moved on from the dream even in the 20 mins it took for me to write that.

I would still advocate working through your own stuff through dreamwork.

And if you really think that there is a child at risk then you should contact social services.

Justwanttomoveon Sun 11-Jan-15 21:52:21

orangefusion your post makes so much sense, I really would like to analyse what the dreams are trying to tell me. If you could recommend a decent analysis book I would really appreciate it.

I will be contacting social services, I hate the thought of a child being brought up in this sort of environment.

orangefusion Sun 11-Jan-15 22:57:58

I can't find the books I used when iwas in therapy after my marriage ended. But I googled a bit and these two sites are quite sensible and methodical so I would have read of these. Then get a nice book to write on and off you go ....
Sweet dreams!

Justwanttomoveon Sun 11-Jan-15 23:12:15

Thank you so much, I really appreciate you going to the effort of finding these for me [Flowers].

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