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There's a boy I like... save me from my massive crush, I can't concentrate!

(14 Posts)
LidlMix Sun 11-Jan-15 01:15:17

Hello,

I posted a thread a few months back under a different name. I was having a truly horrible time and wanted to no longer exist. I'd had some awful relationships and was really struggling with everything. I got some very kind and fabulous advice. I am in a much better place now, still working on my self esteem and assertiveness but I have a lot to thank you people for.

On to more fun matters (well it is equal parts fun and excruciating), I met a guy who I have fallen for big time. The way you fall in love as a teenager. I don't know if it's a product of my previous horrible relationships or just because I am a general flirting klutz but I get very nervous and seem to be unable to not feel like a tit when I am in his company. I feel all hot and timid when I talk to him and then I get all flustered and have to basically do a runner. It's been a good few months since we met, and on first sight I totally fancied him, but it has gradually become an all consuming beast. I feel so silly and immature!

He is really friendly and can be quite flirtatious but I don't know if I have made that up; the pessimist in me (who is quite dominant) says he is like that with everyone, he has no reason to be interested in me, and the instances where he seems to be in the same place as me for no clear reason are just coincidence. I have engineered situations that give me excuses to walk past and say hi blush and he has caught me staring at him several times blushblush so I don't think I could be any more obvious.

It's basically taking over my life, I can't concentrate at work or at home or in the supermarket, I think about him all the time. My friends say I should make a move, nothing terrible will happen, but the thought of him turning me down crushes me!

I'm not sure what I am asking. This will pass, right? How do I talk to a boy I like? Why do I not know this already? I am 31 ffs!

EdSheeransGString Sun 11-Jan-15 01:26:10

I have no advice I just really hope that by 'boy' you mean 'man'

hmm

LidlMix Sun 11-Jan-15 01:28:29

Yes sorry, juvenile language.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sun 11-Jan-15 01:29:01

hmm Ed what do you think.

FolkGirl Sun 11-Jan-15 03:51:41

I'd say that the intensity of feelings you're experiencing are too great to base a proper relationship on.

I've had hugely intense crushes, but wouldn't have been able to turn them into a relationship!

Can you create a bit of space between you and he?

LidlMix Sun 11-Jan-15 08:42:35

Thanks fanjo.

Thanks for the reply folkgirl (folkwoman? wink), I think you are entirely right. Realistically I know nothing is going to happen and he probably doesn't even like me, which is all fine but I wish I could stop the daydreaming. We work in the same place (though not together) so there is little I can do to avoid him, unless I resign!

I guess I feel a bit sad because although it's a nice feeling to like someone, and nothing happening with this person isn't that big a deal, I am concerned that I am never going to make any progress in this area of my life. I've never had a normal relationship where I meet someone normal, we date normally, progress normally, split up normally if it reaches an end... so I have no idea how to behave if it's a possibility.

I've never had a partner who I felt comfortable to call a boyfriend. I have had a few one night stands that ended horribly, and one abusive relationship that started as an affair (on his part) when I was in a very vulnerable place. I have had the misfortune to have been in the company of a few bad men who have treated me poorly (as in criminal level), it all started when I was very young and now I don't know any different.

My last thread on here had a big lesson on working on my poor boundaries with men, and my self esteem. Both are a bit better now, but I can't ever see a way out of not being able to be normal around someone I am interested in. I just get extremely timid but secretly infatuated, which is juvenile and unproductive. I seem to be a bit all or nothing. I either dismiss men quite easily or get a bit too excited if one I like finally comes along. I don't want to fall into another abusive relationship so am quite happy to have high standards, but I don't seem to have any middle ground. I don't know how to do the in between part of getting to know someone, sussing them out, working out if we like each other, testing the water, approaching them for a date...

I honestly see myself being alone and celibate forever as a result, which is ok, I don't have a problem with being single if no one right for me is available. But it gets a little lonely.

Tobyjugg Sun 11-Jan-15 09:47:49

Ever considered that he might be feeling exactly the same way about you?

ZammoMcGuire Sun 11-Jan-15 09:48:18

OP

grow up a bit

talbotinthesky Sun 11-Jan-15 10:01:48

Zammo that's neither nice or helpful.

I've been on the other side where women have acted all bizarre when I've tried to talk to them e.g panic attacks etc and I thought it was pathetic but then it happened to me once too. I was talking to a lady and I basically just ran away, it was very embarrassing so I know how it feels.
Only bit of advice I can give is being turned down isn't the end of the world, it's ashame you see him at work or I'd suggest some Dutch courage.

LidlMix Sun 11-Jan-15 10:15:22

No I think Zammo has a point, I have acknowledged that I am not being very grown up...

But I don't know how to grow up. I have never had a normal relationship that hasn't been messed up and I don't know how to navigate it all. Everyone else seems to have learned how to grow up when they were teenagers but I was having a bit of a rough time at that stage of my life and I feel like I missed out on learning how to have relationships. In the past I have been prey for horrible predators and now I seem too scared to get involved with anyone.

RubbishMantra Sun 11-Jan-15 10:17:27

Hi OP, You have most likely made up this amazing persona for this bloke. So when he behaves like an Actual Human Being, displaying behaviours you don't like, you will excuse them. Therefore allowing him to behave in crappy ways towards you. Because you have 'filled in the blanks', seeing him as a Perfect Human Being, despite his flaws.

Infatuation is never a good basis to begin a relationship. I've been on both ends.

Chillibox Sun 11-Jan-15 10:26:23

Hi OP, RubbishMantra has it spot on IMO. A relationship is never going to be as much of a headrush as your crush (OK, maybe the first sex session...) so I would say enjoy the crush as long as you remind yourself that your fantasies are not realistic. By all means a relationship can happen, but the massive feelings of excitement are very temporary and not based in reality.

It's quite nice to have a crush I think, it certainly makes life a bit more interesting as long as you level your expectations every now and then smile

LidlMix Sun 11-Jan-15 10:44:08

Thanks talbot, rubbish and chilli, you're all right. I know it's all just the first excitement of fancying someone, I know it's a bit of a no-go and he's by no means perfect, we're all human. I'm not even sure if I want a relationship right now anyway, but I would like some intimacy at some point and I guess I am getting a bit bored being on my own with no companion and no sex life. I just never seem to meet people that I like and when I do I get like this... right now, I'd be happy with a headrush of one sex session to be honest haha. But then the crush dies, I quite like feeling nice about someone for once instead of suspicious and fearful of being hurt, but I just have no middle ground. Maybe my boundaries are too strong now.

RubbishMantra Sun 11-Jan-15 10:56:40

Lidl, I don't think boundaries can ever be too strong. They are yours to put in place. And you put them there for a reason.

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