Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I have been very foolish

(407 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Simbathecat Sun 11-Jan-15 00:15:24

I have just returned from a week abroad to attend my mums wedding to her partner, I went without my husband as he is working away.

I've had a lovely week with my mum and all of their friends and on my last night I was jokingly saying I'd been in bed by 10pm each night when the barman offered to take me to a club if I wanted. Mums partner has been coming to the island for 15+years and the general consensus was he was a "good guy". However I had had a lot to drink and no one thought it was a good idea for me to go. I was taken back to my room and made to promise to stay in. However very drunk and in the party mood all reason and common sense went out the window and I went anyway. I was not interested in this man whatsoever and naively thought he was my friend (him knowing my mums partner etc).

The inevitable happened and he had sex with me that wasn't consensual. I repeatedly said no, asked him to leave but he would not listen. I eventually left myself and got help from friends staying in the same building.

I have told my husband and he is devastated and very angry with me. He says that regardless of whether the rape happened or not my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

I can't believe I've been so foolish and naive to have put myself so obviously in danger and jeopardised my relationship.

Although there was evidence he had used protection I have taken emergency contraception and I will need to lie to work on Monday to make a humiliating visit to the health clinic.

EdSheeransGString Sun 11-Jan-15 00:19:10

Your husband is a fucking twat angry angry angry

This was absolutely NOT your fault.

Are you planning on pressing charges?

thanks

EdSheeransGString Sun 11-Jan-15 00:20:45

Sorry that was quite harsh but your dh should be supporting you, not angry angry angry

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 11-Jan-15 00:25:33

Oh sweetheart.

Let's just agree first off that meeting a man to go to a club does not equal consent to sex. That's not in doubt. It's not up for debate.

Wrt your husband, I guess what needs to be established is, is he upset and angry/worried and therefore lashing out at you - which isn't ideal of course, but I can understand it, without condoning it in the least. Fear and anger at some thing we cannot fix can cause us to do things we regret. Or does he think you are lying about the rape and trying to cover up?

Either way, that's not the immediate priority. You are. Is anyone supporting you in rl? Could rape crisis help? Have you thought about pressing charges?

AnythingNotEverything Sun 11-Jan-15 00:25:45

There is nothing inevitable about rape.

Please report this.

I hope your husband stops being such a dickhead and supports you as you deserve.

quietlysuggests Sun 11-Jan-15 00:35:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs Sun 11-Jan-15 00:36:19

oh no, IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.

You went out with who you thought was a friend. Who raped you. Drunk or not, there is no excuse for rape.

If you can stand it, I really would think about informing the police. Get in touch with Rape Crisis at least, who should support you going forward.

oh and cheers, husband, for blaming the victim angry

Canyouforgiveher Sun 11-Jan-15 00:38:34

OP I think you should report this - you were raped.

Simbathecat Sun 11-Jan-15 00:44:37

Thank you for replying.

Unfortunately I have history of being unable to handle alcohol and get myself into all sorts of scrapes. I become too trusting and don't spot potential dangers. So I think yes he is probably upset he wasn't there to protect me and also a bit of "I told you so" . He asked me if I'd taken my ring off etc. he is lashing out but it's very hurtful.

I was asked if I want to report it but I can't see what good it would do. It is my word against his and it wasn't violent, I was so drunk I barely put up a fight. I KNOW I said no repeatedly and was visibly upset. I've called the rape crisis line, who were very nice and suggested places I could call for further counselling, and nhs 24 to see if there are any clinics open on the weekend - there's not.

Dh has said we will get through this but will take time obvs. We are ttc at the moment so it's all a bloody mess.

Simbathecat Sun 11-Jan-15 00:47:21

I got home finally early this evening.

I just feel so stupid.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 11-Jan-15 00:51:34

Even the tiniest bit of I told you so is victim blaming. You need to remember that.

I can't stress enough how important it is for you to get some counselling and rl support. I don't want you internalising this and beginning to blame yourself. It was not your fault. I'm fucking daft with a drink in me and well known for it too - it doesn't mean I have ever consented to sex I didn't want.

That said, and I may get flamed for this, but DH is (I think?) far away and probably needs some rl support himself. I don't think he means to hurt you, although of course he is.

Anyway. <hand hold>

qazxc Sun 11-Jan-15 00:54:24

it absolutely is not your fault! Going to a club with someone is not consenting to sex. It doesn't matter how much you had to drink either, he shouldn't have raped you.

Simbathecat Sun 11-Jan-15 00:59:47

I think you're right Lonny, he probably needs to speak to someone himself and will suggest that.

My mum does know and I've spoken with a girlfriend. I live 120miles away now though so it's quite difficult. I am beginning to think I should have reported at the time but I knew I was due to get on a flight and just wanted to get out of there. The fucker has my number and has been trying to call and message I've not responded and deleted. Cheerily asking how my flight was??? Omg what a mess.

Italiangreyhound Sun 11-Jan-15 01:00:23

Simbathecat I am so sorry for you. Please stop feeling stupid, it is not your fault you were raped by this man.

I really hope your husband will see that this is about you and not about him.

You said ... my very act of meeting the man showed disrespect to myself, him and our marriage. He is of course correct.

This is not true, meeting someone is not being disrespectful to yourself or your husband or your marriage!

When you say He isn't home for another week and a half and I don't know how to fix this.

Do you mean your husband is away and will not be back for 10 days, is he not able to get home and be with you, would you like him to be there to support you?

I am so sorry this has happened to you and so very sorry too that your husband is not being supportive. At this moment in time you should be his top priority and not his own feelings.

Please get all the support you can in real life, and here.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 11-Jan-15 01:09:16

I understand the desire to just GTF out of there and get home.

He's probably phoning you to normalise it in his own head - no-one wants to think 'oh yeah, I'm a rapist'. It's much easier for him to call you and pretend you were on some sort of date. Do not respond. Although perhaps don't delete, just in case you do decide to go to the police - you never know what will become helpful in terms of evidence.

I'm off to bed now but will check back in tomorrow x

Simbathecat Sun 11-Jan-15 01:10:45

He works offshore in another country so it would be difficult for him to come home early.

My girlfriends and I have had this debate so many times about drunk girls and unwanted attention. I am firmly in the camp of females should be able to wear what they want, dance how they want and drink what they want without fear of being attacked but now I'm not so sure. Let's look at the facts - I gave him my number, put on my party dress and met him. What message was I giving out??

Empha14 Sun 11-Jan-15 01:12:54

stfu springdaffs nothing in the OP suggests the DH is victim blaming.

Simbathecat Sun 11-Jan-15 01:16:29

Thanks for listening and the advice all, I am going to try to sleep too.

xx

Simbathecat Sun 11-Jan-15 01:17:11

Thanks for listening and the advice all, I am going to try to sleep too.

xx

EdSheeransGString Sun 11-Jan-15 01:19:24

Empha - of course he is blaming her for what happened! hmm

lyspaere Sun 11-Jan-15 01:30:16

so sorry that that happened to you.

your husband's betrayal is as bad. he is blaming you for leaving your room?

TooMuchCantBreathe Sun 11-Jan-15 01:43:54

Ok, you are both in shock. First up get yourself some support lined up. Second give yourself a talking to - if this was your mate would you be thinking "ooh but she put on a party dress"? No. Sometimes it's easier to try and shoulder some blame than feel the full horror - rape sounds really scary when applied to yourself, it's much easier to think "he got the wrong idea" or "I led him on".

Finally, when dh is home tell him you need to speak without interruption or comment. Tell him you know he needs that too but first you speak and he must go away and truely digest it before he responds. Tell him why you went out. That you wanted to drink and dance. Tell him why you felt safe with x. That he seemed like a family friend. Tell him what your intentions were. That they never, for a second involved sexual contact with x. Tell him that disrespecting your relationship was never part of the plan. That the only person who did that also disrespected your body and soul when they ignored you saying no.

TheTheimportant thing is that he walks away to digest before responding. To me it sounds very much like dh just doesn't know what to do - let's face it "my wife got drunk and was unfaithful" is far easier to process than "my wife was raped, I wasn't there to stop it then and I can't even help now".

RandomNPC Sun 11-Jan-15 01:50:35

I'm sorry, but there are two parts to this. There is never any excuse for rape, this guy is obviously very dangerous and needs to be dealt with. It must be truly horrible for you, of course the fact that you were drunk gives this man no excuse at all. Rape is rape.
I can see why your husband is angry, however. You are a married woman, and you let another man take you to a club? How is your husband supposed to know that you had no interest in him? Part of his anger is bound to be that he wasn't there to help you as well.
I don't think your husband is being an 'arsehole' at all.

Italiangreyhound Sun 11-Jan-15 01:54:44

Simbathecat you said I am firmly in the camp of females should be able to wear what they want, dance how they want and drink what they want without fear of being attacked but now I'm not so sure. Let's look at the facts - I gave him my number, put on my party dress and met him. What message was I giving out??

I think anyone should be able to do whatever they want without fear of attack. Personally I feel some situations are more 'dangerous' than others but I certainly put myself in some situations when I was younger which could have been very dangerous. What we choose to do is up to us and if something terrible happens it does not make it our fault. Certain groups in society are more likely to be victims of abuse or crime, should these people stay home to avoid crime?

Empha the Op's husband is blaming her for what happened. What is also extremely worrying is that the OP is asking what message she sent as if she may worry she is to blame, when she clearly said no.

Simbathecat I think the message you gave out was that you wanted to go out for a fun evening. Please do not feel this was your fault. This man took advantage of a situation to abuse you, that is evil, I am so sorry this has happened.

When Israel was experiencing an epidemic of violent rapes someone at a cabinet meeting suggested women be put under curfew until the rapists were caught. The women!! This was sometime in the early 70s I think. Have we really not moved on from that in almost 40 years!

jwa.org/encyclopedia/article/meir-golda

We simply cannot allow the victim to be blamed for the crime committed against them!

Simbathecat, please look after yourself.

quietlysuggests Sun 11-Jan-15 01:58:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

This thread is not accepting new messages.