First baby is due in a few weeks, DP and I have (pretty much) settled on a first name we both really like, though we are going to wait and meet then before making any concrete decisions/announcement.
DP and I aren't married, I'm not attached to my last name (very common/uninspiring and linked to my dad, who I'm not close to, have no attachment to his family so family name is not important). DP really keen from the beginning for the baby to have his name (man thing I guess, youngest male in family, name would die out). His name is more unusual but harsh sounding and really limited our choice of first names~ a lot of the names we liked just sounded silly with it. DPs dad is also a bully, we had to travel to visit him recently as his mum was too scared to be in the same town as him, despite then being divorced more than five years I have only met him three times (in coffee shops/pubs add he lives abroad. He is planning to visit us to meet the baby, thing is he had booked flights to arrive on my due date (so four days before the date I worked out, which the midwife said was likely more accurate) and leaving the country ten days after..going by my date and factoring in I could well go to 42 weeks, he would be expecting to visit two days after I've given birth!! and bring his partner, who I have met once, for a couple of hours in the pub. FIL doesn't like me, either, and I feel like they see me as a vessel for their first grandchild rather than a human being going through what is, physically and emotionally, the biggest event of my life so far.
DP and I have said we want time to ourselves after the birth, no visitors straight away. Reason being I have had a tough pregnancy and want to make sure we bond as I am worried about developing PND. My family understand this, but FIL has said he will not be happy if anyone else is allowed to see the baby (meaning MIL, I bet ) if he is not..doesn't seem to understand there is a difference between him (relative stranger to me, person who dislikes me, pushy etc when I will be tired and in pain) and my mum, or MIL who lives down the road and I see often! I just don't trust him and the anxiety that he will be calling all the time is really getting to me, I'm stressing about this much more than the actual birth!
Apologies, this thread has turned into a stream of consciousness of what's really bothering me...originally my point was I'm less and less keen on giving the baby DPs last name, other reasons are DPs grandparents are pressuring us to get married, telling FIL he must make us, and to be honest I would really like to be linked to my child in an obvious way through our names..middle name we decided on was DPs maternal grandparent. I never met them, they died long before I came on the scene. Now I'm wondering how comfortable I am naming a child after a person I never met, is it morbid to name a child after a dead relative? I just think she should have a nice fresh one, a new baby shouldn't have to be a memorial
Anyway if the current names go ahead my child would be linked to both sides of DPs family via deceased person I never met, and controlling bully I don't like, but not to me at all, and I'm really sad about it. I have , another last name I go by unofficially, I'm not sure I could change my own in time to register the baby the same, or whether that's a good idea, either.
Two separate issues here, I know, but advice on either/both the name thing and the FIL thing massively appreciated, apologies for the ranty, rambling thread x
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Stress...family names, toxic in-laws, post birth visitors..ranty ramble
14 replies
snailsinlove · 10/01/2015 21:03
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