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Please help's long...

(13 Posts)
rightoldmess Sat 10-Jan-15 19:23:19

Hi, I'm in such a mess and feel I'm slipping into depression. I'm aware that this post may warrant no sympathy as I disclose my wrong doing. But, I really want to find the strength to move forward and become a better stronger person for me and my children.

I was in an abusive relationship for 13 years. I was young when I met my ex partner. He was much older. It didn't start off that way and was a very gradual thing. I had two lovely children by him and learned how to tippee toe around my then partner, to keep the peace. I loved being a mother but hated my 'relationship' with my ex. He never harmed me physically but was an emotional and controlling bully who made my self esteem hit rock bottom. Told me I was worthless, no one else would ever find me attractive so I was "lucky to have him" etc.

I met a man, who was charming, good looking and to my surprise, fancied me. I never went out (wasn't allowed friends etc) but met him as he was working on repairs and maintenance on the houses where I lived, mine included. He had to come into my house many times to do work on it and that's how we got chatting. He had my number as he needed to get in touch to arrange workmen coming in etc. and began sending friendly messages during the day. This went on for weeks, and one day when he came to my house for work, he kissed me. He told me that he has a girlfriend and child, but they live like lodgers and they were both not happy in their relationship but stay together for the baby. She wasn't from the UK and he worried that she would up and leave to her country if he separated from her, and that is the only reason they are together (I realise how naive I was now)

Now, I knew it was wrong to conduct an affair. My ex partner cheated on me many times and I felt strongly about that. I would never of imagined myself to be a OW and do the same to someone else, but I was so unhappy at the time and then suddenly felt alive and hopeful. I know it doesn't justify my actions. But at the time, I truly believed what he was telling me. The affair went on for many months. No sex, but kissing etc and lots of daytime calls and texting.

I began to take control of my life and found the strength to leave my ex. He never knew of the affair - to this day he doesn't.

I had more time on my hands to see the OM, and we began to meet up more regularly, including hotels. This went on for another year, but he interest declined gradually. I began to see less of him. His messages were less friendly and altogether the compliments stopped. When I confronted him on this, he said he just gets that way and it's not personal. I asked him how he felt about me, and he said he likes me but he doesn't love me but enjoys the fun we have. I was devastated. He said he will never love another woman again (bad experience with an ex apparently), so for me not to take it personal. It was also becoming apparent over the year, that things were not as bad with his girlfriend as he'd made out. He would mention things that made me question his original statement about them not having a relationship.

I also suspect now that he has moved location with work, that he may be seeing another (married) woman. He told me about her advances, and denies seeing her, but again, he's made a few comments that makes me think otherwise. I tried to break free of him recently. I asked him not to contact me anymore. It was the hardest three weeks but I didn't cave in and contact him. I have tried ending it before and he would always contact me the next day and it went back to 'normal'. He did contact me after three weeks with just general chit chat and then said he wanted to meet up. I stupidly agreed although he didn't actually attempt to make me feel like he really wanted me (never said he had missed me etc). After a few days I realised that he really was doing me no good. He never made me feel special, loved or appreciated. 80% of the time I was miserable, waiting like a teenage for his calls or text then grateful when he did. Spend large parts of the day obsessing if he was seeing someone else, or of his so called unhappy homelife. So I ended it for good and have now deleted his number.

The past couple of years I have gotten myself into debt, lost the few friends I had, wasted any spare time moping, find no joy in the things I used to, poor performance at work (part time accountant - the irony given my debt!) and generally can't focus on anything.

I can't understand how I can be so crazy about a guy that made me feel happy only 20% of the time. I keep thinking back to how things were at the start and keep thinking is it me? What's wrong with me and why can't he feel the same about me as I do him. I know even if he was to have left his girlfriend, Id never trust him and he'd never fall in love with me. My family think I have a very low self esteem because of my past relationship and am setting myself up for failure and going for the wrong kind of man.

Aside from my wrong doing, I am a very loving kind caring person and at the moment I don't recognise myself. I try and be upbeat for my kids (who by the way are happier now I have separated from my abusive ex) but I can't really shake of that dull ache in my stomach and the yearning for him even though it is all so wrong.

I've had a couple of really decent men approach me recently, but I just
can't look at them the same way. I seem to go for the wrong type and I just hate myself for it.

I know I should focus on my kids and try being alone for a while, but I just feel lonely and not very good at being on my own.

To top it off, I have a health scare, debt and a court case over children coming up.

I acknowledge my wrong doing an accept that I didn't end the relationship for moral reasons as I should have (his family). and I know I probably deserve to feel this way. But I am only human. I've made bad choices and I just want to feel normal and happy and good about myself once more.

Sorry it's long. Suppose I just needed to write it all down as well. Thank you if you have got this far...

LLJ4 Sat 10-Jan-15 19:28:38

I have no helpful advice but I think your family are right.

It can take years to get over "the one who got away". At least you know yours is an unfaithful, manipulative shithead.

isseywithcats Sat 10-Jan-15 19:38:15

by the sounds of it this man recognised you as vunerable and men like him play on this, he had no intention to persue this affair to a conclusion of him leaving his partner and child to be with you and if he had you would not be happy as you wouldnt be able to trust him, dont feel bad about this, you actually are better off without him even though it does not feel like it at the moment it will get better.
right take each problem one at a time in small bites
visit CAB to discuss your debts see if there is any way to reduce them without taking yourself into abject poverty

the health scare trust the professionals it might be treatable in a managable way

the court case judges are usually on the side of the resident parent and as your ex was emotionally abusive you have the high road

to make yourself feel better about yourself get a cheap treat for yourself
a mobile hairdresser to come to your home and give you a totally different hairdo will be less coast than going to a salon, a massage or beuty treatment at a local college that does beauty courses wont cost very much but you will feel good having had a pamper session

good luck and i hope each day gets a little better

sksk Sat 10-Jan-15 19:41:34

You're very articulate and I think you've spent a lot of time to try and write out a measured summation of what has happened and how you're feeling. I think you will emerge stronger from all of this. Have you looked into some talking therapy, CBT or mindfulness? I know of a free online thing called MoodGym (It's something form an Australian university) which is quite good. You've clearly done a lot of soul searching and thinking but maybe someone objective could help you make more sense of everything you're feeling and help you find the ability within yourself to feel better. Sorry if I'm not making sense. How about making some new friends or even acquaintances-even if it is people you meet at a gym class, or coffee with work colleagues? Do you have any family support (though I understand you might not want to/have not told them everything)?

Quitelikely Sat 10-Jan-15 19:45:06

Sometimes in life things happen for a reason, just imagine if the OM was sent your way so that you could escape your abusive relationship. I'm happy for you and your dc that you got out of that one.

Re the OM well you know he was and is no good. You can't trust him and without trust a relationship just isn't healthy. Don't keep looking back, move forward with your life and change your number so he can't contact you anymore, there is literally no point to communicating with him anymore as it leaves you worse off every time.

You say that you have recently met some lovely men but can't look at them the same way. Well you need to change that opinion but you can only do that by taking the risk of spending time with someone who is genuinely nice.

My husband is like one of those nice guys but it took a lot to convince me he was my type but then I thought actually I deserve this type of person, it's my turn to be treat wonderfully, and yes it was strange at first as I was keep waiting for him to turn into the others but he didn't! Don't get me wrong we aren't perfect but to hell I deserve him rather than someone who is abusive and a terrible role model to dc.

Re: debt, you know that you will have to reign in your spending or whatever, go onto the money saving boards to get advice on how you can manage it all etc there are some great ppl over there who have relevant knowledge and advice to your situation.

Don't give up on life. Go for it. When the dc father has them, you start living a little, look after yourself, indulge yourself.

Contact old friends, apologise if you've been less than nice in the past.

Google city socializer. You can meet local people that way.

rightoldmess Sat 10-Jan-15 21:03:15

LLJ4 - I know, you are right. I just wish those thoughts were enough. I can't even figure out why i feel how I do for him.

rightoldmess Sat 10-Jan-15 21:27:44

Isseywithcats - Thanks for your advice. I will definitely get myself down to CAB. With regards to the health scare, I am currently awaiting results but can't disclose more as I don't want to out myself, but what makes it harder is that I haven't told any family members yet, as we have had a recent tragedy and I don't want to worry them until I know the results.

sksk- Thank you so much also. I will try MoodGym for sure. I definitely feel like I need some type of therapy. I know that deep down the issue is me - He will always be how is is and I believe he will continue to have affairs. I however (until I met him), was always a loyal and trustworthy person. What I did was out of character, and if anyone that knew me in rl, knew what I have done, they would struggle to believe it. I need to work on my self esteem so I don't go on to make the same mistake again. I'm also concerned that during this affair, I never stopped to think of the damage I would do if his girlfriend found out and the affect on their child. I wanted so much to believe that they were unhappy together and justified that to myself because I felt like I had been 'rescued' and deserved to find happiness. I don't like the fact that I was capable of destroying a family so easily. I've been on that side of the fence and it's just awful.

Quietlikely - thank you also. I'm happy to hear that you have found and married the right one. I want to be with someone that is capable of love and ultimately, someone that I know will be a good role model to my two children. It's frustrating that I don't feel an attraction to these type of men. It seems the good looking, charming at first, cocky and over confident ones are the type I fall for, and they are exactly the type I need to avoid.

I will definitely give that site a try. Thank you

stickingpoint2 Sat 10-Jan-15 21:51:11

I definitely pursued the wrong man after my abusive ex went. I still have no idea why (the sex was great but I have had better, he was a liar and pretty obnoxious). It took me a long time to stop 'comparing'. I had a string of enjoyably uncommited relationships and I realised (at some point) I'd stopped needing THEIR approval/ validation.
Shortly after I met my now DH and I was damned straightforward. No wondering about texts/ meanings. There was a giddy falling in love, but fully confident of his reciprocation.
I'm not saying have loads of flings. But get your confidence that you're worth a lot more than this guy is capable of. Because without a doubt, you are!

rightoldmess Sat 10-Jan-15 23:25:18

Thank you stickingpoint2! How long did it take until you stopped comparing? Glad to hear you met your DH and got the happiness you deserved.

I feel foolish for feeling this way. But I've had so many years of unhappiness - all my adult life. I feel silly moping around after a lying, self centred, heartless man. I can't say I loved him - it feels like I do, but I truly can't have? But then I have nothing to compare it to as I have never been in love before. I know it is not what love is supposed to be. No doubt he hasn't given me a second thought. I really need to try being on my own but the thought of it makes me feel empty.

rightoldmess Sat 10-Jan-15 23:27:39

stickingpoint2 - just wanted to add. I'm pleased for you that you're away from your abusive ex. I sympathise with what you must of gone through. I know only too well.

Deserttrek Sat 10-Jan-15 23:29:54

Hey OP.

You post has some familiarity with another recent poster, so I understand.

You apologise at the very beginning because of your 'wrong doing' even before you tell us what you thought it was, but I cannot sense wrong doing anywhere, you were just a normal person getting out of an abusive relationship in your own way. A way that thousands of other people do every year. So, your need desire to apologise struck me most.

I think that OM loved the idea of you in his mind, but he never loved you. And ideas are like dreams; they eventually give way to other dreams over night. And now, you like the idea of him, another dream. But its not reality. It is not clear when all this happened, and how long ago he moved due to his work or when you last saw him. But it seems that he never was...what you wanted. It was a quick honeymoon period....thank goodness for that...

You have no immediate escape for your health, debts, court case over children and your children themselves. All of these are about you, so why do you want to burden yourself with thoughts of OM who doesn't really exist for you. All you need to do is look after you and your children over these upcoming events. Then when these are through, you can look at other things.

You know this, I think. Good luck. X

rightoldmess Sun 11-Jan-15 00:14:11

Thank you for your lovely response desertrek - I really do appreciate that.

My wrong doing is knowingly getting involved with an attached man. But, I did believe or at least wanted to believe that he and his girlfriend lived separate lives, as he claimed. I couldn't honestly say that I wouldn't have still got involved if he told me they were very much together - I just don't know, as at the time I was so desperately unhappy and it felt good to be wanted, desired and treated nicely. He seemed so genuine at first and it was so nice to have someone ask you how you were feeling and someone I could talk to about my unhappy situation. I just got caught up in it all and it did give me the strength to leave my ex. He supported me emotionally through the whole thing when I left him. My ex made me believe no man would ever find me desirable.

I hear what you are saying about the dream...I can't fathom someone spending nearly two years with someone -constant contact even if it wasn't seeing each other everyday, and not feel emotionally attached in some way. I guess this is a lesson learned.

It ended very recent. He has been on his new job 6 months.

I have every intention of focusing on what needs to be done and what I need to achieve. I am looking at the bigger picture and I know what is most important. But throughout the day I find myself daydreaming again about what we 'had' and what I though we'd have. I keep questioning myself "is it me that was the problem, was I too needy, boring" you catch my drift. I miss him and yet I know he's not worthy of my affections.

Sorry for going on. Crazy as it sounds it just helps to write it down. Thank you all again x

Italiangreyhound Sun 11-Jan-15 01:24:11

rightoldmess I am so sorry you have been through so much. Please do not apologise any more for the things you did that you were not happy with.

Try and focus on the future. Can you access any counselling from anywhere and if not can you access any assertiveness classes. I really feel your family might have a correct accessment of the situation when they say y family think I have a very low self esteem because of my past relationship and am setting myself up for failure and going for the wrong kind of man.

The way out of this is to build up your self esteem, you may like to take a class, read a book, find out more on line. Now, I know it sounds hard but really it is just a change in mind set.

You have already said you:

I am a very loving kind caring person
I try and be upbeat for my kids (who by the way are happier now I have separated from my abusive ex)
I've had a couple of really decent men approach me recently

Make the most of your life, enjoy the bits you can and try and change the bits you do not enjoy so much. This might mean changing job at some point in the future (I would not go for too many changes all at once) or simply putting a bit more in at work and getting a bit more out.

Try and count your blessings (your lovely kids, supportive family if they are supportive) and be aware of the things you have achieved (you are bringing up your children on your own, you have got out of an abusive relationship with your ex and made the break with this other man).

You do not need a man to make you feel good about yourself and in fact once you have started to feel better about yourself and your life and are exuding confidence you are more likely to meet a man who will genuinely be able to make you feel good about yourself.

You have also done something very good, you have become aware of yourself, aware of what makes you feel unhappy and what makes you happy. I don't think affairs are good and of course there can be hurt etc but in this case I would try and put it behind you. Don't go back to this man, find someone new who will love you and commit to you, if that is what you want. But first find you. I think you are probably pretty amazing once you reveal your full potential. Best wishes. grin

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