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Living in the shadow of my sister :(

(66 Posts)
Rinkydinkypink Sat 10-Jan-15 07:52:40

All my life I've lived in the shadow of my older sister. Unlike me she's confident, outgoing. Always did well at school without having to try. Landed good jobs, well paid, company cars, travel etc.

This is all great and I should be really pleased for her. However along with this comes the attitude. The bragging, the looking down on me. She always has to be the best and the greatest and it's all performance. The problem is she always manages to get to me. We moved in March. Invited her over and she puts her house up for sale in weeks. She's just moved to a massive house without selling her old home. The builders have been in and place is perfect. Her cars have to be bigger, her holidays have to be better. Now she's flipping pregnant with her first baby. She's started weight watchers (again) so she doesn't put weight on. Her unborn baby is already booked into the best nursery in the area so she can go back to work after 4 months! The cleaners, gardeners etc all lined up ready. Honestly I'm dreading it. I know her child will always have to be better. She will be the better parent. Her house will always need to be cleaner, her garden landscaped.

Everyone congratulates her. Is soooo happy for her. Isn't she marvellous. Actually I think she's horrible to me. It's all for show, it's all false and she can't wait to show off.

I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm fed up of being the underdog. I'm exhausted with my 2dc. I live on 4 hours sleep a night and have done for 7+ years. My dh is a messy untidy person who works 12-14 hours a day. I work FT hours on part time childcare. No cleaners/gardeners. Financially we normal. We manage but it's only by being very careful.

I'm a bitch. I'm wishing her child not to sleep and be a complete handful. I'm longing for her to be exhausted and not cope. I'm longing for something to happen to make her live in the real world.

How do I get out of this silly game. I don't want to be like this.

FannyFanakapan Sat 10-Jan-15 07:58:33

You need to stop comparing lives - I doubt she is doing all this to spite you.

Start looking at the positives in your life - a loving partner, great kids, a good job, financial security. There is so much to be happy about.

It may be that your sister looks at your life in envy. Behind closed doors, her life may be shallow and meaningless, her relationship rocky, her job stressful. Having material things does not make for a happy life.

Be content with what you have and stop comparing yourself to her - that says more about you than it does about her.

Rubyredlips Sat 10-Jan-15 07:58:43

She sounds like a nightmare, she is a competitive bore. Value yourself for who you are and don't compare- money isn't everything

jackydanny Sat 10-Jan-15 08:01:54

Stop looking at what she has. Look at what you have.
If she really is horrible to you, put a bit of distance between you.
You want to stop the silliness so...
Next time you think about her or are going to say something negative say something different 'it is what it is' 'we are all doing our best' 'bless my sister' or similar.

You sound exhausted...what can you do about that?
DH is grown man and should be contributing to chores or at least picking up after himself.
Why are you only getting a few hours sleep?

PrintScreen Sat 10-Jan-15 08:04:13

Are you sure her motivation is that she always has to be better than you? I mean is she definitely competitive or might she just be living her life unaware of how you feel?

Jealousy is a very destructive emotion. Nothing good ever comes of it. Try and stop comparing. Break contact if necessary but concentrate your energies on making your own life the best it can be.

Rinkydinkypink Sat 10-Jan-15 08:04:21

I compare myself to her because she alway always says at every opportunity 'unlike rinky, I like a tidy house'. My child won't do a/b/c, rinky doesn't mind if hers do.

It's always about her, how great she is, how much she enjoys life. Yes she is a bore and I hate her attitude. She presses my buttons. She's the only one who does this. She can't be seen to not be perfect and will tell everyone how difficult it's been. She hadn't got a clue how lucky she is!

Rinkydinkypink Sat 10-Jan-15 08:08:34

I'm exhausted because I never stop and have two dc (7 and 18 mths) who don't sleep. I have PND am self employed and doing contract work. Dh works unbelievable hours so most of the chores fall onto me because I'm at home more. Dh and I have had it out time and time again about his untidiness but also we have to much stuff, not enough storage and no money or time to change it.

MaryWestmacott Sat 10-Jan-15 08:10:45

Why do you think it's a good thing she has to go back to work at 4 months, using a nursery? Surly that's a downside of her life that she has built a career that means she can't have time with her new baby? (And am surprised if she's that successful she's not using a nanny).

Stop comparing, or assuming everything she does is to spite you, it reads like you think she moved house not because she wanted a family home (with dc1 on the way) but to compete with you, that she buys cars just to be better than you, not because she wants them.

Step back, her life is not about you. It will only get to you if you let it.

She is about to go through a massive life change, you and the rest of your family are about to become a lot less important to her with a child of her own, you might find if you are open to just being friendly your relationship massively improves.

StrawberryMojito Sat 10-Jan-15 08:10:56

This is your problem not hers. I very much doubt she moved, got pregnant, hired a gardener etc just to spite you. She just sounds like she is living her life.
You are jealous of her but it doesn't sound like you have much reason to be. You have what she has...marriage, nice home, kids. She may have envied you for some of these things.
Yes, lucky her for the cleaner but who wants to go back to work after 4 months? Presumably she has to so she can afford these things. We all make sacrifices, nobody's life is perfect.
You need to stop this negative thinking before you become really bitter.

foxybingodotcom Sat 10-Jan-15 08:11:39

Comparison is the thief of joy.

HellKitty Sat 10-Jan-15 08:15:44

She's the older sister. Maybe she's jealous that you had two children and did so before her? As for the tidy house and not letting her child do a, b or c. She's in for a shock!

StrawberryMojito Sat 10-Jan-15 08:17:45

Ok, yes she does sound like a pain in the arse. However, you don't have to see her. Why don't you stand up for yourself when she is rude to you? Oh, and if a pregnant woman with no children started announcing that she would not let her unborn child do x, y and z that an experienced mother of two did, I think I would just laugh.

MaryWestmacott Sat 10-Jan-15 08:17:52

Oh and has it occurred to you that if you, her younger sister had dcs first, some of her comments might well have come from jealousy on her behalf because you had what she didn't? I assume you got to take a mat leave, working from home meaning you get to spend a lot more time with your dcs than she will.

It's hard when some people have what looks like a better life than you, but most people's lives involve compromise somewhere, you are just seeing the positives of your sisters life and not the downsides.

Focus on changing the bits of your life you don't like, then you might find comments from your sister or extended family do just roll off you.

Joysmum Sat 10-Jan-15 08:19:25

Those who belittle others, do so because they are secure in themselves so resort to this.

Joysmum Sat 10-Jan-15 08:19:36


ToffeeLatteplease Sat 10-Jan-15 08:19:46

Scale back contact with her.

It doesn't matter why. She doesn't make you feel happy, that is enough.

Life is to short to spend your time with people who don't make you feel valued

Rinkydinkypink Sat 10-Jan-15 08:25:17

Your all right I am jealous and I'm not a jealous person. I only like this with her! It's my problem completely. I do need to start and look at my life but I'm that exhausted I don't know where to start. I do one thing and in that time the kids have caused another 2 jobs.

She's going back to work not because she has to but because she's trying to prove a point. My mum said this to me as she was worried about her. She keeps going on about the cost of childcare and how she can't afford it and how busy she is while her cleaner tidys up after her and washing and ironing is delivered to her (so her cleaner can put it away!).

My dad jokes about her and says stuff like well I'm sure your sister has told the world all about it by now. Then laughs. He thinks its funny she's going to have a baby and has asked to install cameras just so he can be entertained by her trying to hide the carnage (I love my dad).

She had a housewarming. All very lovely but she had to make it known that the caters weren't cheap but she was so busy at work. She works no longer than anyone else.

I would give anything right now for just one day to get the house straight. A few hundred to sort out storage.

StrawberryMojito Sat 10-Jan-15 08:38:34

God, I almost feel sorry for her now. Imagine putting yourself under that much pressure. But it's her choice. It wouldn't surprise me if she chooses to stay on mat leave longer though.

Rebecca2014 Sat 10-Jan-15 08:39:52

You never knows what goes on behind closed doors, no one life is perfect and it sounds like is trying too hard to put on "my life is so wonderful!!"

Your parents seem have her spot on and personally if its making you feel so bad, limit contact with her.

Baddz Sat 10-Jan-15 08:44:50

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 10-Jan-15 08:47:28

Rink if you were to read your last post back, you might see that all is not well in your ds world.

She sounds driven and over anxious, paranoid about appearances and possibly borderline OCD.

My guess is she'll crash and burn at some point because judging by your dads insights she isn't managing personally, and being her sounds exhausting and I'll put money on it being that for her.

Appearances can be deceiving and your sisters judgement of you does sound harsh, but the fact she spends so much time putting you down sounds like she is in some way envious of you.

I wonder if she wishes she could be more like you, I wonder if she sees you as more layed back and relaxed, whilst she is quietly pulling her hair out. You've not mentioned a partner with her?

wherehavealltheflowersgone Sat 10-Jan-15 08:48:52

"Actually I think she's horrible to me". From an outside perspective from what you said she doesn't do anything horrible TO YOU.. She's just living her life FOR HER and being a show off.
Laugh at her behind her back - often and loudly. Fake the laugh if you have to, it'll make you feel loads better.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 10-Jan-15 08:52:24

Your problem is your husband not your sister! She probably does it because you bite/scowl. Be happy for her, congratulate her on how fabulous she is. One day she might wake up and come to you for help.

Baddz Sat 10-Jan-15 08:56:04

My dsis has a big 5 bed house.
2 lovely dc.
A brand new car every few months.
5 holidays a year.
She spends money like water.
Sounds great doesn't it?
She has been on anti depressants for over a year now and attends regular counselling sessions.
She is so stressed, her blood pressure is sky high. She has just been dx as diabetic too.
She is married to a pig who - whilst he earns good money - has no interest in her or the dc and treats her like staff.
She is I think finally realising all this and it hitting her hard sad
All may not be as it seems....

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Jan-15 09:29:49

'Comparison is the thief of joy'. Is she really doing this to you or is she just getting on with her life and you're interpreting her actions and decisions as malicious?

If you're unhappy with your lot, change it. Her success doesn't make you a failure

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