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Advice needed

(18 Posts)
Inexperiencedchick Fri 09-Jan-15 22:59:21

I have recently calmed down from a heartbreak...

Started to date late 2013. After first date and 10 days phone conversations he invited me to his place. As I haven't had a relationship before I was scared and asked him not to contact me anymore... However, as I lost someone 3 months prior to the 1st date with this guy and was very down I texted him back next day offering to try again...

It never worked afterwords...

On the second date I kissed him myself as I was physically drown to him. When we were going back home he said he will never get married and he always leaves girls due to his career commitments. I wasn't aware that he was making a point that I should not be expecting anything at all.
During our time in the cafe he was talking to me but analyzing boobs of another lady who sat next to us. I'm a petite girl, the lady had big boobs.
I kind of didn't take it seriously and ignored red flag that day.

Between the 2nd and 3rd dates we spoke on the phone not as regularly as before and he wasn't enthusiastic. Then we had a 3rd date. We were having food when he asked what do I think about him. My reply was: "I hope it will work out and we could settle down together."
His reply: "Wow, at least you could say I dont know", for what I have answered that I was just honest. Didn't expect that he would start humiliating me straight away. I don't drink and he offered a bottle of wine (he doesnt drink either). Then he commented that I have eaten more than on the previous date and just stopped listening and started talking only about himself. While we were waiting for food he was analyzing boobs of another lady who was sitting next to our table. That's when I started to have some concerns. And kind of asked myself is he really serious about me at all? He also was afraid of any type of eye contact.
When we were going back he kind of touched me and actually asked if I was wet... That question killed me completely.
It was the first time that man actually touched me but I didnt expect to get this kind of question at all.
Then he commented that next time we would spend at his, leaving me with more fear...
The next day he didnt text me so I kind of texted myself. He replied saying he is in a good mood. I was pissed off that he didnt bother to text.

The 4th date was the last one in 2013 as I kind of understood that he only wants sex, nothing more than that...

In between all these he complimented me once saying that I'm beautiful... But was really surprised that I don't compliment him at all.

After the 4th date I had exams coming up so had to revise. During whole month I haven't heard from him, no did I get a text prior to exam with good luck wishes. In my opinion if a man cares he will somehow at least show it.
That was enough for me to change my number as I was sensing that he didn't want anything further. Having said that I have texted him back with New 2014 Year's wish on the 31st of December. He replied on the 1st that we should meet up as soon as he back from the trip.

Meeting up was arranged in February 2014... Prior to that we ended up texting each other and in the middle of those texts he used swearing. I'm not fun of extreme words and have asked him: "no swearing please"...
There were no texts before the meeting after my request.

On the meeting he was shaking and barely kept himself... I sensed that he wanted some physical intimacy with me. But we just discussed the past situation and why it didn't work. Everything was up in the air after that meeting...

I made an effort and contacted him late March 2014 and we started to chat via whatsapp... I was very happy to try again and date but his conversations about my body parts were really draining me down. I even offered to meet up but he put me off with description of what kind of physical intimacy he would like to have. I wasn't pleased with the situation.
The conversations we had always were about food or physical intimacy...
Slowly slowly we were kind of chatting pretty much every day but again I wasn't keen to move closer. And one day I have expressed my opinion that there is no romance between us, where he replied that I'm not up to it myself. Then he started to be rude even said that he will never get married with a girl who stuck her tongue in his mouth. So hurts slowly started to build up...
One step forward 2 steps back and I end up wanting to see him one day and just texted him to see if he is available... He was late for 20 min where he promised to be within 5 min time. Then another boobs scene and not giving me attention as the phone was entertaining him more than my company. When I expressed my unhappiness (I literally started to cry as I couldnt keep myself anymore) he started to shout and walked away. His question was: "Decide what do you want dating or relationship". On the way back home I couldn't stop myself from tears...

After a month a texted him saying I can offer him light dates (as I though I'm too much in his life). By offering this I hoped that we could understand each other on a heart level and something will work out.
He just asked me: "will you allow me to touch you upper waist" and just created more pain than I already had. When I said NO, he replied that I have learned my lesson... I kept silent. It was early August 2014.

In November 2014 I found out that he got married... not sure when though.

From whole this situation I kind of got an idea that he had already someone and was really after sex with me...

Opinions are more than welcome.

Thanks

Cabrinha Fri 09-Jan-15 23:30:32

I'm sorry you've had a bad time flowers

Honestly, I think you need to stay away from online dating for a while. There are some lovely people out there, but there are also a lot of cheating opportunist idiots.

You knew he was treating you disrespectfully from very early on, looking at other women when out with you.

To be honest, I don't think accepting that comes only from inexperience. For some reason, you're willing to accept being treated badly.

Don't worry about inexperience. But you need to fix that acceptance before you date again. A counsellor might help. Have you been treated badly by your family?

As an absolute basic, look out a book called "he's just not that into you". It's a light read, quite funny - but it's spot on.

Inexperiencedchick Fri 09-Jan-15 23:38:27

Thanks for the insights Cabrinha and for the book advice smile

I will think about councellor.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Jan-15 23:45:05

I think the only way to get experience of relationships is to experience relationships. If you're going the route of online dating you have to be very specific and very honest what you want and be ruthless about filtering out anyone who doesn't match. Don't bother with second chances if they don't meet your expectations. It's wasting your time and leading them on. Most people will expect some kind of physical intimacy eventually so, if it's not something you're interested in, then say so up front.

Slightly puzzled how you can be heartbroken after only meeting this person a few times. Better luck next time

Nunyabiz Fri 09-Jan-15 23:59:07

This guy sounds like a total arse!
What do you want out of a relationship? How do you want to be treated? There is someone out there who wants the same things as you. Take care of yourself! A relationship is meant to be uplifting, rewarding, encouraging, loving. You are both supposed to have something to offer that the other person wants. Looks like all this guy wants is sex and all you want is love. Don't waste any more heart ache on him!

Tobyjugg Sat 10-Jan-15 02:35:16

I am amazed that you gave him so many chances. I have never tried OLD but one thing I have learned from lurking on MN is that, as a PP said, you have to be ruthless at weeding out and discarding the doubtful ones (if you hadn't said you disliked strong language, I'd have used another, shorter, term).

Chalk it up to experience and better luck next time.

Inexperiencedchick Sat 10-Jan-15 08:18:42

Thanks for the advice, very helpful.

@CogitoErgoSometimes: I'm in love with him... I really hoped it will work out in the end...

@Tobyjugg: I dated few people before but none of them swore at me or in front of me (same with looking at other ladies. Why would you look at someone else if you are already with a company?!). In the long run it is very important as strong language is an example for children. I did allow him to swear at me on our last meet up, he just pushed me out of his life completely.
I even think that he did that just to get rid of me...
And I did act needy I guess.
He asked me to come to his area one day at 9pm. I didn't go. He used to pick me up and bring back home, but then changed completely. And when I told him that he doesnt care his reply was that I'm a grown up girl and can find my way home myself.

From all these I know one thing I will listen my head more before involving my heart... And I'm bolder now not only towards others but towards myself as well. All these wouldn't happen if I wouldn't text him back after pushing him away from the first time.
I told him from the beginning that I haven't been with anybody. If a man really cares he will wait but he kind of asked me to come over to his place straight after 10 days phone conversation... If I wouldn't be warned by a friend of mine that his place does mean sex I would probably go...

Thanks all for the replies, x

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Jan-15 08:36:40

Pleas do some work on your self confidence. Believing yourself to be in love after so few dates spread out over such a long time smacks of desperation and romanticism rather than genuine affection. If you approach dating without self confidence, and if you are desperate for romance, you will be far too likely to let others treat you badly.

If you've learned something about yourself from the experience, maybe you can build on it next time you meet a new boyfriend. Meanwhile, set the bar higher

Sincap Sat 10-Jan-15 13:56:17

Thank you for the advice. I have actually had someone who told me before as well that my self confidence is very low.

I will work on myself.

SelfLoathing Sat 10-Jan-15 15:52:58

You sound very young and very naive. You should have stopped seeing him a looong time ago.

When a man tells you something about himself, listen. He has TOLD you

You were ignoring massive signs and just charging on and on and on, like a blind bull in a china shop, desperately thinking you could win him round. Ain't never gonna happen.

Let's just analyze the chronology of what happened here a step at a time:

When we were going back home he said he will never get married and he always leaves girls due to his career commitments.

Not so much a red flag as a STOP sign. If you want a serious relationship, when a man says this to you, just leave. He's told you where he is at. If he liked you a lot or had the slightest interest in seeing you long term, he'd never say this.

the lady had big boobs. I kind of didn't take it seriously and ignored red flag that day

Well you identified it as a red flag. And it is a double flag as its a first date and that's when people try their best face on.

My reply was: "I hope it will work out and we could settle down together."

Honestly, bad thing to say. How could you possibly really think that about someone on a 3rd date? You barely know him. It comes across as over intense and a bit super-keen.

he was analyzing boobs of another lady who was sitting next to our table. That's when I started to have some concerns. And kind of asked myself is he really serious about me at all?

Are you kidding that this is when you started to have concerns? The concerns should have arisen on Date 1. Think about it - why would a man you are just getting to know start discussing the breasts of another woman with you? It shows he's not interested in you, doesn't care how you feel and worse, has a bad attitude to women generally

When we were going back he kind of touched me and actually asked if I was wet... That question killed me completely.

Yes because at that stage and at that context it was totally inappropriate.

The next day he didnt text me so I kind of texted myself. He replied saying he is in a good mood.

WHY OH WHY did you text him? He'd shown you he wasn't interested and you are chasing him (showing him you are). And any way it was only one day.

In between all these he complimented me once saying that I'm beautiful... But was really surprised that I don't compliment him at all.

Words mean nothing. Look for actions not words.

After the 4th date I had exams coming up so had to revise. During whole month I haven't heard from him, no did I get a text prior to exam with good luck wishes. In my opinion if a man cares he will somehow at least show it.
That was enough for me to change my number as I was sensing that he didn't want anything further.

Again, this is over intense and over invested. Why would you change your number?!?!? He wasn't contacting you there was absolutely no need. You should have just been getting on with your happy, busy life and waltzing off intot the sunset.

Having said that I have texted him back with New 2014 Year's wish on the 31st of December.

WHY? Why? Why?!!?!?!? By this point he has been rude, hasn't bothered with you, you think he just wants sex and he's told you he's not interested in a relationship. You were just picking at a scab here for no good reason.

I sensed that he wanted some physical intimacy with me. But we just discussed the past situation and why it didn't work. Everything was up in the air after that meeting...

What was up in the air? There was nothing up in the air. You weren't in a relationship. He had been rude, hadn't bothered with you, you thought he he just wanted sex and he'd told you he wasn't interested in a relationship. And now he'd been swearing at you. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I made an effort and contacted him late March 2014 and we started to chat via whatsapp... I was very happy to try again and date

For the love of god, WHY OH WHY OH WHY?!?!? Why were you "making an effort"?

By this point, you (I assume) hadn't heard from him since New Year, nearly 3 months. He had been rude etc. Lather, rinse, repeat

And one day I have expressed my opinion that there is no romance between us, where he replied that I'm not up to it myself. Then he started to be rude even said that he will never get married with a girl who stuck her tongue in his mouth. So hurts slowly started to build up...

He'd already told you he wasn't in the market for a relationship. He'd been rude and not bothered with you. And now he suggests that you "stuck your tongue in his mouth"? Nice guy.

One step forward 2 steps back and I end up wanting to see him one day and just texted him to see if he is available...

NO! How can you not see that there were no "steps forward" at all? And again you are chasing him.

His question was: "Decide what do you want dating or relationship". On the way back home I couldn't stop myself from tears...

AND THIS is the crux of the matter, he just wanted casual dating (--sex---) and you wanted a relationship. This was absolutely clear right from the start and even if it wasn't, you really should have worked it out by now.

After a month a texted him saying I can offer him light dates (as I though I'm too much in his life). By offering this I hoped that we could understand each other on a heart level and something will work out.

OK, by now, if this were real life and a friend of yours, you would be tearing your hair out. Chasing him again when he's told you everything you need to know. And basically saying "I'm yours on a plate". And what are "light dates" anyway?

^In November 2014 I found out that he got married... not sure when though.
From whole this situation I kind of got an idea that he had already someone and was really after sex with me...^

Fact he got married is immaterial really, it was very very clear he wasn't for you.

You should have stopped seeing him after date 1 or date 3 at the absolute outside.

You definitely do need to work on your self confidence and I agree with previous posters.

Can you now see that all of this was utterly pointless and you shouldn't have been contacting him at all? A man who likes you wants to see you. That's how you know he likes you!

Nunyabiz Sat 10-Jan-15 16:07:29

Absolutely 100% what self loathing said. Good job taking the time to break it down for her.
It's not complicated at all! It's pretty clear cut. He wasn't into you. You chased after the scraps he offered because he thought he might get sex, and you thought you had something worth chasing. You didn't.

Inexperiencedchick Sat 10-Jan-15 20:14:30

Dear SelfLoathing, thank you very much for the analysis.
It's very very helpful. I didn't know there are so many red flags...

One thing: He was looking at the other woman on the second date.
On the first we had a nice time and talked a lot. He walked me home, 10 min before reaching my place we sat on the bench, that's when he asked if I would be interested in having a relationship with him. I said yes, I would.
But what stopped me right away, after the "relationship" question, was his question: "Are you shaking now?" (I was half-sitting on the corner of the bench and one of my legs was shaking because of me sitting uncomfortably but not because of being excited by his offer). Although I was surprised by his question I replied him "no, I'm not".
When we started to walk again I said him openly that I haven't slept with anyone, he said he is not going to force me and that he is a very patient man. I was OK with that... (A friend of mine warned me saying "he literally told you I would wait until you give in yourself")

He started to call me every day @ 9:40pm and we were texting in between. One day he said he can't wait to see me on the following Friday. I end up having a flue, left work earlier (we supposed to have the 2nd date that Friday) and texted him that I'm not feeling well. He texted back saying I should wait for him in the cafe, that he will come and drop me home. I have asked him to call me when he is free and said we will see how his immune system will react for the flue (as a joke, I wasn't in a great condition at all). He called back and spoke with me, then said I should go home and not wait for him. For the whole time I was in bed with a flue he was calling twice a day and sending 2-3 texts. I got better and we arranged another date. But in between that one evening he asked me if I'm wild... I was really surprised by that question. After couple of days of phone conversations he said I should come to his place. When I asked "what for", he said just to watch movie and we will cook something. I kept silent and didnt know what to answer... Then I have asked my friend about his offer and that is the time she said he is planning to have sex with you. All these was before the second date.
I straight away texted him and asked not to call or text me and look for someone else.
I should have left everything there and stand still. But as I was already dumped by someone 3 months earlier I have asked myself "why are you acting this way? he just asked you to come to his place, right?"
I texted back the next day and asked if we could start over again. He swallowed that and asked "what happened?"
The 2nd date was my initiative and I kissed him myself as I was really drown to him by that time. And that is the evening when he was analyzing the lady's boobs and when we were walking home he said he will never get married and every girl he dates leaves him as he chooses career over marriage...
In between the 2nd and 3rd date we were texting and one day I was out with a friend of mine and at some point when I had a chance texted him and we spoke on the phone. He kind of said "come over to my place"... I didn't go...
Deep inside I knew that he didnt care anymore...

In May 2014 before starting to be rude he said that he was on the back foot... I thought he wants to make it up to me but then he kind of said that he would love to see me and touch me, etc... I was really pissed off as it's not the intimacy that killed everything but him being emotionally withdrawn...

I guess it's a huge experience for me to learn not to be so naive.
My friend calls me naive and not present in this world.

Once again many thanks for the insights.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Jan-15 22:20:22

I hope it's not offensive to say that you do sound very much like an innocent abroad. Did you have a very sheltered upbringing? Did you have boyfriends as a teenager? Where did (or do) you generally get your information about relationships and sex from? Your friends sound pretty switched on and looking out for you ..... any special reason for ignoring their warnings?

Inexperiencedchick Sat 10-Jan-15 22:50:13

@CogitoErgoSometimes there is no offense in asking ;)

Yes, I'm a foreigner here never had a proper relationship. I'm also a mature female.
True, upbringing is sheltered. Although feel myself very lucky to be on my own without the level of protection I had back home...
Mumsnet is the first website I started to use in order to understand the actions some people take.
Ignored the warnings due to being blind...

Cabrinha Sat 10-Jan-15 22:52:22

You do sound naïve smile
But you don't sound stupid. You could see what was wrong here, and you didn't have sex with him when you didn't want to.

I think if there's an "issue", it's not your naïvety so much as your unwillingness to just let him go despite clearly seeing that he wasn't treating you well.

That concerns me more than your inexperience.

Did you know there's a dating thread on this board? Excellent for chatting to those also dating, who can help you fine tune your radar for idiots! But fine tuning is only one part of it, walking away from those who don't meet your standards is another. Work on both smile

Cabrinha Sat 10-Jan-15 22:56:22

And I hope this little warning won't be patronising... smile
But you'll find quite a lot of strong language on this board. It might make you uncomfortable, but it's worth bearing with it - there's fantastic advice and support, and the swearing isn't aggressive at posters. Just some people (including me!) happily use swear words as part of our normal speech. Don't let it put you off!
There are of course plenty on here that don't swear too grin

Inexperiencedchick Sat 10-Jan-15 22:58:30

Thanks Cabrinha, I will.

Inexperiencedchick Sat 10-Jan-15 22:59:36

;)

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