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It was either this or Jeremy Kyle!

(32 Posts)
NKfell Fri 09-Jan-15 14:34:41

Hi everybody, this is my first post so please be gentle with me!

I just wanted some advice because I feel like my life is turning into something from the Jeremy Kyle show.

I know I going to waffle but I'll do my best- I wasn't with my bf long before I was pregnant in 2009, after 2 years I realised he was cheating on me. I love him very much so for that stupid reason I then became pregnant again with him in 2012 but I didn't get back with him.

I then didn't see him much- his/my family either picked the kids up or dropped them off so he's always had them 1-2 nights a week since they were born. He always seemed very sad and sorry etc. when we did meet.

Lot's of stuff has happened and in October we slept together then agreed to take it slow (a bit late I know). Beginning of December I realised I was pregnant again.

I just feel so stressed out, I'm 25 and help?!

Thank you for reading and sorry for going on a bit!

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Fri 09-Jan-15 14:36:49

what help are you looking for?

I'm not sure that opinions on your situation as it exists right now would be helpful, since you can't go back in time and make different choices, so what is it that you feel would be helpful to you? What do you want? Where do you want to be in life?

Quitelikely Fri 09-Jan-15 14:39:41

So three children to someone who sleeps with you occasionally?

I think it sounds quite sad that you don't deem yourself worthy enough to forge a decent relationship with someone who actually wants to be with you and your children.

Greencurtain Fri 09-Jan-15 14:40:01

Yes, also not sure specifically what help/advice you need.

Things sound OK, you are on good terms with him etc?

HootyMcTooty Fri 09-Jan-15 14:41:26

How would you like your life to be? Start making decisions based on making that happen.

NKfell Fri 09-Jan-15 15:04:47

Sorry I knew I wouldn't be clear, I think I just feel stressed and lost.

I get constant opinions (with good intentions but that are no real help) My parents tell me I'm throwing my life away and how I could have achieved more. My friends tell me I need to get rid of him and find someone new. He tells me to give him another chance.

In some ways I'm doing fine, I live alone with the kids, work full time (thanks to my parents child minding) money is tight but we've been OK and my children are happy and healthy but now with another on the way I need to move house and as pathetic as it sounds, I don't want to be on my own.

I suppose really I'm looking for a magic wand to turn him into Prince Charming and add another bedroom to my house. Maybe throw in marriage and a payrise too.

RandomNPC Fri 09-Jan-15 15:08:29

What's he doing in the meantime? Other relationships?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Jan-15 15:11:13

I'm afraid I agree with your parents in the sense that I think you're wasting your time. It's all well and good that he wants more chances but meanwhile you're the one shouldering all the responsibility and doing all the work. His 1 or 2 nights a week are not enabling you to work because your parents are doing that. I wouldn't be surprised if he just takes them for weekends because it's easier.

If you keep on allowing him this semi-detached, one foot on the floor, role in your life and don't demand commitment you will get nowhere. Worse, all the time you are wasting listening to his 'sad and sorry' Poor Me Act you are squandering chances to meet the person that really would like to be solvent, faithful, part of a family and so on.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Fri 09-Jan-15 15:11:16

Sorry, but there are no magic wands. If there were I'd be a size 8, cream cakes would be an aid to weight loss and I'd pee money grin

He won't turn into prince charming. They never do. He'll be what he always has been.

You can't get another bedroom on your house but you can find ways to get a house with another bedroom.

You can discuss pay with your boss, or look into career progression.

Marriage, well, put yourself in situations where you will meet good people that you have things in common with.

But before marriage, before looking for someone, comes a house with an extra bedroom and a payrise.

These are things that can be achieved by your actions but never by your wishing.

newyear15 Fri 09-Jan-15 15:11:22

He isn't going to change. All you can do is change your own behaviour. I also think it is sad that you think this is all you deserve. I get the feeling he is just using you. Sorry.

MorrisZapp Fri 09-Jan-15 15:15:59

You can have as many kids as you choose, but it will be very hard doing this alone and with an ex who only takes them two nights.

There's no magic solution is there. At least your family sound great. Will they provide childcare for all three kids?

HootyMcTooty Fri 09-Jan-15 15:16:48

Ok. Firstly, you're very lucky that your parents provide you with childcare. Have you considered that they might not be 100% happy with your situation because it directly affects them? That's another child they have to look after so that you can work. If they're retired they deserve a break at some point in life.

Are you clinging on to the father of your children because you want the dream ending, the "perfect" family, or is it because you actually love him and genuinely believe things might work out?

Frankly, you've never had much of a relationship with him, beyond getting accidentally pregnant and trying to make it work. He's cheated on you. It sounds like you might be better off walking away and giving yourself the chance to meet someone you can actually have a real relationship with.

Blanketontheground Fri 09-Jan-15 15:25:18

I think your parents are bearing the load of your choices. Nothing can be done now but you sound immature. Look at the impact on the people around you who have shown unreservedly how much they care. Your ex has shown no care to you or your kids.
Get rid of him and be a successful mother. Build your career and self esteem. Pay your parents back by living a great life without him in it.

DrMorbius Fri 09-Jan-15 15:34:18

You own your life. By and large everything that happens in it should be driven by you. Magic wands are for children.

You don't have the ability to turn someone else into "Prince Charming". But you do have the ability to create plans and to execute them. These plans are what you want from "life".

So if its: -
a "pay rise" - work out what you need to do to get a pay rise.
"more bedrooms" - work out what you need to do to get more bedrooms.
"married" - guess what? yes work out what you need to do to meet nice guys and for nice guys to be attracted to you.

Acting as an occasional "booty call" isn't going to get you any of the above.

Twinklestein Fri 09-Jan-15 15:35:39

Can you parents cope with another baby on top of the two they already look after?

BertieBotts Fri 09-Jan-15 15:37:09

How many chances has he had? And he's not stepping up, is he?

RandomNPC Fri 09-Jan-15 15:38:02

And FFS, if you have to carry on seeing this man, can the pair of you please sort out the contraception issue?

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Fri 09-Jan-15 15:39:47

Indeed.

OP, without wanting to lecture you, although I am sure it will seem like it. grin You are a mother of 2 soon to be 3 children who rely on you to be mature, responsible and to make decisions and choices that are in their best interests.

While that does not mean that you put yourself as a human being to one side for the next 18 years grin it does mean that you have to grow beyond the I luff him, I wish... stage of life and knuckle down.

You can do it. You just need some idea of how to make what you want and what your children need a reality.

A parent of 3 at 25 is tough. A single parent of 3 at 25 is tougher! You are going to need support. What you aren't going to need is a crap relationship and a dream of prince charming.

Talk with your parents. Ask advice. Ask for support. See what's out there.

NKfell Fri 09-Jan-15 15:46:44

I know wishing doesn't help but you know when you feel a bit stuck? For example where I live is close to my family and him and his family- we live in a small town in Cumbria where local jobs don't really support people being able to live in the area- if that makes sense? All restaurants and small shops. Other jobs are harder to come by locally and the nearest larger town is around 20 miles away so parking and travel costs will go up.

I work in a restaurant so I'm home all day except weekends and go to work after picking my eldest up from school whereas he works during the day and is off most weekends. It works because my Mum & Dad walk over to my house and stay until I'm back from work but my poor parents don't get to spend their evenings in their own home and I rarely see my eldest.

He can solve the bedroom problem because his place has a spare room and the kids already have their own rooms there but then we'll be stuck with him. He hasn't been seeing anyone else as far as I know and when I looked at his phone (I can't help it) I saw some messages from months ago saying along the lines of "I've somehow managed to persuade 'NKfell' to give me a chance so don't text any more'. But I know he could have deleted others- his friends and workmates are keen for me to give him a chance.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Fri 09-Jan-15 16:11:12

What does it have to do with them?

Don't do anything because someone's friends and coworkers want you to. That would be insane!

Would you make any other major life choice because someone elses friends and workmates thought it would be a good idea? Of course you wouldn't, you'd have to be bat crap crazy to even factor that into your decision.

It isn't their life. It isn't them that would hurt if it turned to crap. It isn't their kids that would suffer unheaval and anxiety. It isn't their situation. Disregard what people who aren't involved think or want. they are irrelevant.

NKfell Fri 09-Jan-15 16:13:28

I think it's just suddenly setting in what a fool I've been and I feel sorry for myself for not learning from my bad decisions. I love my children and wouldn't be without them but I don't think I'm doing them any favours at the moment my 5 old boy isn't being shown good examples as it is.

I'm going to try and have a proper talk with my parents and I'll give him a miss for a few days to try and clear my head.

I do appreciate all your comments and you've been much kinder than expected- if one of my friends was in the same boat I'd be much harsher.

kaykayred Fri 09-Jan-15 16:13:50

Jesus. Your poor parents having to give up their evenings due to your own poor decisions.

Cold hard advice?

Consider whether or not you will keep this pregnancy.

Look for better paying work out of town. Yes, you will have to travel, so some of your wages will go on that. Yes, you should be paying for some kind of childcare, so some of your wages will go on that. You might not end up any richer than you are today, but at least you will be giving your poor parents a break.

Alternatively, if you find much better paying work outside your small town, you can move and take the children with you. If your ex has to travel to see the children, then it's no big deal. Thousands upon thousands of people do it.

Cut ties with your ex completely, aside from child related issues. Who gives a shit about what his friends and colleagues want? They aren't the ones who have to be in a relationship with him.

And finally, there is this magical thing called contraception. If you want to tell us that you've been using it, but have still managed to somehow get pregnant every time you go back to your ex, then you might want to re-read the instructions. Anyone can have a contraception failure once, but for the same thing to happen THREE TIMES strongly suggests that it wasn't the contraception that was a problem.

You are 25 with two, potentially three children depending on you. You need to grow up and start acting like an adult!

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Fri 09-Jan-15 16:14:19

Really what you need is a plan. OK, so there's no quick fix. So don't look short term. Look long term. Do you see yourself working in a restaurant in ten years? in fifteen? What would you ideally like to work as? What would you need (in terms of skills etc) Is there any way you can make that happen? Do you have to live where you are now? Can you see yourself moving even in years to come? What would you need to work towards?

Just don't fall into a relationship that already looks like it'll be fairly crap because you don't see a lot of other options. That would be such a waste of you.

kaykayred Fri 09-Jan-15 16:14:30

PS, I know that's harsh but I think you need a bit of a wake up call as you don't seem to be learning from your past behaviour.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Fri 09-Jan-15 16:18:23

Don't waste your energy feeling sorry for yourself thanks It's unhelpful to you. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward. I bet there's not a person on this board who can say they've never made a bad decision (and if they tried I'd call them a liar grin ). It's what you do from now that matters. What you've been doing so far hasn't worked for you, has it? So stop doing it.

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