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Dating - head vs heart

(15 Posts)
Hesaysshewaffles Fri 09-Jan-15 14:20:32

Since being single I've had one fling/relationship. I let my heart lead me, even tho I knew it would never work. But I wasn't looking for the one then.

Now I'm dating to actually properly find someone I find myself fighting between head and heart. More recently I found someone that I like and get on well with. For the first time i could actually imagine a future. But after few a month my 'head' is trying to sabotage it! For example, he suffers from arthritis which means that in a few years time he'll be less mobile.

My best friend says I should just relax!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Jan-15 14:29:15

Once you start thinking in terms of finding 'the one' it can set up a lot of unreasonable pressure and you'll find yourself racing ahead, extrapolating things up and scaring yourself in the process. However, you have to be realistic. If you didn't want to end up as carer to someone with disabilities a few years down the track, I'd have thought that was a pretty reasonable objection.

Docmartensanddungarees Fri 09-Jan-15 14:31:59

I would add a third factor, and this is the one I try to listen to... head, heart and gut. What is your gut feeling? Never mind the emotions from your heart and the analysis/logic from your head.. what does you gut instinct say?

There is no right or wrong in dating, as long as you treat others with respect and they do the same.

Hesaysshewaffles Fri 09-Jan-15 14:40:24

Doc it's funny you should say gut. With regards to that, makes me think that if I liked someone enough the head part would be irrelevant as it wouldn't matter.

My fear is that I'm a single parent and I want to grow my family and I'm putting pressure on myself because of my age. It's as though I'm looking for the 'one' to have a flashing beacon on their head so that I knew they were the right one!

Docmartensanddungarees Fri 09-Jan-15 14:49:02

It's so hard to know, isn't it!?

I think if the gut feeling was that this was the right person, it would over ride any minor niggles from the head.

Also, if the feelings were strong enough, would you really be worrying about these practicalities?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Jan-15 15:13:42

"if the feelings were strong enough, would you really be worrying about these practicalities?"

Starry eyed romanticism might work if you're a teenager with nothing to lose. But if you're a grown-up with dependents and you want a reasonable lifestyle, you've got to be a little more hard-headed about it or you could end up with any old loser. hmm

Docmartensanddungarees Fri 09-Jan-15 16:02:30


If the OP was saying that she was dating a loser I'd agree. She's not, she's dating someone who, through no fault of their own, has a debilitating condition. Deciding to settle down with a person with a debilitating condition involves making oneself aware of the issues, coming up with coping mechanisms, and getting on with making a good life with them. I'm sure you can see that this is a little different than 'starry eyed romanticism' leading one to settle down with a 'loser'.

I'm not saying OP should let her heart decide without referring to her head/gut, as I previously said, there is no right or wrong answer.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Jan-15 16:05:28

I wouldn't call anyone with a disability a loser, but I wouldn't call being carer to someone with a disability a minor niggle either.

Docmartensanddungarees Fri 09-Jan-15 16:14:22

You're interpreting my words as you see fit.

In my second reply on this thread, that was more of a general observation about dating.

You are assuming that OP would become a carer, that is just one possible outcome. I think some research may be in order before assuming that his arthritis means that she will be his carer in the future. Lots and lots of people have arthritis without needing a carer.

However, if he's not right because he's not right (intuition) .. the arthritis is bound to be an insurmountable issue.

As I said earlier, there is no right or wrong decision here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Jan-15 16:18:00

I think the OP was the one assuming they'd become a carer when they referred to the guy becoming less mobile. When it comes to relationships, I don't think the reason for ending them has to be fully rational. It's a highly personal thing so if there's a bad feeling or an assumption or two it's all valid and far better to listen to misgivings than waste time.

Hesaysshewaffles Fri 09-Jan-15 17:16:54

I should have said. It's not that I find it a turn off (if that's the right word?) it's more that I think about how it would affect things in the future. But to be honest there are other 'niggles' I have about other things. I think I need to go with my gut here!

MadeMan Sat 10-Jan-15 13:59:07

I don't know about 'gut', but I try and listen to my head over my heart every time; not always easy though. For example, I wouldn't be with a woman that smoked cigars/cigarettes or did drugs, no matter how nice she was or how much my heart was into her; heavy drinking would be out too.

List of pros and cons can sort things out sometimes and let you see things as they are.

RudyMentary Sat 10-Jan-15 14:02:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pandora37 Sat 10-Jan-15 16:18:43

I would go with your gut. With my last relationship, I had a lot of doubts at the beginning. I'm not sure why because I fancied him and enjoyed his company but because we'd been friends for a long time I found it hard to see him in a more romantic way. This went on for a few months, I had lots of niggles that I chose to ignore and they did eventually go away. That was all well and good, I fell in love with him and was very happy although there were certain things that made me question it. We ticked along nicely and although I loved him very much I still sometimes had a sense of is this really right and I could never work out why. Then he ended up being arrested. After that, I thought if only I'd listened to my gut haha!

Please do listen to your gut, if there a few things you're not sure of then it's best to call it a day IMO.

Twinklestein Sat 10-Jan-15 17:59:31

I'm not sure about this dividing up of oneself into bits - heart, head, gut which apparently have different opinions. Why the projection of your views onto parts of your anatomy?

I think a choice about a relationship has to be an integral one - involving all 3 parts of your body if you like - or in other words 'whole-hearted'.

It's not a question of choosing an organ to trust, but simply spending time with the man and seeing if the relationship works. In the process you can discuss his prognosis in detail, so you will be able to make an informed choice as to whether you think you can cope with the issues the illness raises as well as looking after your child.

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