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How can I get him to move out?

(9 Posts)
Lostmywaysomehow Fri 09-Jan-15 11:47:31

For many years now my marital relationship has been dysfunctional, volatile, upsetting and unhappy. It has been a roller-coaster of hope and doom, one minute feeling as if 'happily ever after' was back on the cards and then realising that I simply have moments of living in a dream world - clutching onto past perfect memories when life was a little more simple.

It's a new year - perhaps an easier time to push yourself to make the changes that need to be made. Except I'm not sure how to make the next step. I have been in therapy for 4 months and I feel that has given me the strength to do what I need to do - but I'm not sure what that is. I have also seen a solicitor after I had threats of him taking the kids away from me. Ultimately I just want to be happy again.

I am financially dependant and have 2 small children. In the past when I have asked for space I have been told to 'move out myself'. So I have felt trapped in a house with him - he who chooses to ignore the problems and the situation to avoid any embarrassment that his marriage hasn't worked out. I need to get out now before I feel any worse.

Has anyone had experience of this situation? How can I get him to leave? I know from my lawyer that typically the courts will award the mother the house until the children are 18 to avoid any upheaval in their lives - and this is what I am hoping for. But how do I get him to leave now??? Is mediation the only path? Any advice from someone who has been in the same situation would be hugely appreciated. Thank you.

cestlavielife Fri 09-Jan-15 11:56:18

you cant really unless he is violent aggressive and gets removed.
you could move out then fight it out later over marital home.
you could ask him again to move out.

on paper, he has as much right to stay in the marital home with the dc as you do...

dc *can" cope with upheaval and moving - many people do move house in their lifetimes for different reasons. what would happen when they got to 18, where would you go? how would you buy him out of the house? etc.

where should he move to?
how will he pay for rent/new home?
if you moved out, would you get housing benefit?
do you intend to work as children get older? do you have a career/profession?
is dh a very high earner (can provide for you ad infinitum...) or not?

many questions to look into in terms of practicalities of separating now short term medium term long term

cestlavielife Fri 09-Jan-15 11:56:34

you cant really unless he is violent aggressive and gets removed.
you could move out then fight it out later over marital home.
you could ask him again to move out.

on paper, he has as much right to stay in the marital home with the dc as you do...

dc *can" cope with upheaval and moving - many people do move house in their lifetimes for different reasons. what would happen when they got to 18, where would you go? how would you buy him out of the house? etc.

where should he move to?
how will he pay for rent/new home?
if you moved out, would you get housing benefit?
do you intend to work as children get older? do you have a career/profession?
is dh a very high earner (can provide for you ad infinitum...) or not?

many questions to look into in terms of practicalities of separating now short term medium term long term

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Jan-15 12:04:07

You can't get someone to leave their own home if they don't want to. If he is violent or abusive, he could be forcibly removed by the police, but that doesn't seem to be the case. If it was a rented property, you'd have other options. So what you're probably left with is to start divorce proceedings, go for mediation and accept that, for the short-term at least, you'll be living under the same roof until the financial settlement is negotiated OR.... you leave with the children & establish yourself elsewhere. More disruptive short term but you could start to repair the mental damage once you are free, divorce him and use the proceeds from the family home etc to make a fresh start.

Keep an open mind and be prepared to consider alternatives.

Lostmywaysomehow Fri 09-Jan-15 12:05:29

Thanks for your response cestlavielife

I have been advised by my lawyer not to move out.

I'm sure my kids would be fine, with time, to move somewhere else - but obviously I would rather their life is not disrupted more that it needs to be.

When they are 18 they are adults so I guess they would do what everyone else does at that point - get a job / go to uni etc etc. Im not really concerned with that stage at the moment - Im concerned with their welfare now. The house would be sold at that point....

I don't really want to go into all the details - as it is difficult for me. It has been a long long few years of emotional abuse. I don't need advice on what would happen if he moved out - financially it would work for both of us if he moved out - that is not the issue. The issue is his refusal to accept the marriage is over. I need to instigate this - and it can only happen if he moves out.

Thanks for your advice.

Lostmywaysomehow Fri 09-Jan-15 12:07:20

Thanks CogitoErgoSometimes (sorry haven't worked out how to tag yet)

Ok - as I thought - I need to instigate mediation. I was just hoping there might be something else someone else had done that had worked....

Many thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Jan-15 12:07:41

Does your lawyer know that he is making threats? That his behaviour is causing you mental distress? Legal advice to stay in the marital home generally applies in 'normal' situations where a couple may wish to divorce but, in the meantime, are reasonably civil with each other. If you are suffering abuse or mental distress, that advice is not necessarily applicable.

You can instigate a divorce without his permission and without him moving out.

PurpleWithRed Fri 09-Jan-15 12:13:03

You can instigate divorce without him moving out or even accepting it's happening. Divorcing someone who doesn't want to be divorced is a tough route - been there, got the scars, but also got the freedom and happiness in the end.

See a solicitor; tell DH you are instigating a divorce, and start living separately in your own house (tell him you are separated, move into a different bedroom, if possible stop doing his cooking/laundry, spend as much time as you can apart from him, no shared outings etc). Start collecting evidence of your marital financial situation, have the house valued etc.

He may cut up rough, he may tough it out, or he may flounce out. Be prepared. Get yourself a support group and a friend who will be your cheerleader.

This process is like childbirth - painful, messy and undignified, but worth every minute for the end result.

cestlavielife Fri 09-Jan-15 13:49:46

if you have a big enough house you can do as above.

my ex refused to move out and in the end I had to with dc.. but I wasn't married so there wasn't the clear message of a divorce paper being served. you have that at least.

preparing groundwork, clarity on financial situation , house value, practicalities is worthwhile. be ready to answer the question where he should go live etc.

the questions weren't for you to answer on here but to have those answers ready in your mind... as kids grow and you on your own you will need to consider supporting yourself/housing etc on your own.

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