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How much do you socialise with dh?

(6 Posts)
Fairdos Thu 08-Jan-15 22:03:24

Hi, just wondering if I have lost perspective a little! Dh and I have been together nearly 20 yrs, married 14 yrs and have two primary aged dc. We are in our late thirties now, and when we met we had the same circle of friends, but as our friends gradually moved away (we met at uni) and we also moved to a new area after having dc, our social lives are now pretty much separate and I feel a bit sad about it.
I have several friends I've met through having dc, all are lovely but we tend to meet for coffee in the day rather than go out in the evening, I work part-time so it's not that often. Dh has worked at the same place for a few years and goes out once every few weeks with the younger people there, mostly women in their twenties and they all go out to get hammered. I would feel odd going with them, I can't drink much these days anyway and don't particularly want to, the hangovers would kill me! There is one woman dh is quite close to who is our age, married with dc but she also goes out to get drunk. It's not often but when they all go out for some reason I get quite down, it reminds me of our going out days when we were younger and makes me feel old and boring. But I also wouldn't want to go (have tried a couple of times in the past) - I feel awkward and as if dh probably acts differently if I'm there, as if I'm his mum or something!
I think maybe I'd feel differently if dh and I also went out on our own, but we don't these days. A couple of times in the past year we've been out on our own, but it can feel awkward.
We are happy together, I love our little family, the dc adore him and I don't want dh and I to
drift apart.

brotherhoodofspam Thu 08-Jan-15 22:39:18

DH and I are in similar situation to you (apart from DH doesn't socialise with group of colleagues) together similar length of time with 2 primary school aged DCs, I go for coffee with friends during the day, work P/T etc. The thing I find helps is going away a couple of times a year, just for a night or 2 max on our own. Sometimes going back to the city where we meet as students, sometimes to a rural area near us and going for walks (usually up big hills our kids would moan about), nice meal, time in local pub etc. I find it takes more time than just a meal out to wind down and reconnect properly and this really helps but we are lucky to have grandparents around who are happy to babysit and I know that might not be an option for you.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons Fri 09-Jan-15 12:00:59

Why don't you go out for dinner once a fortnight? To a country pub or an Indian or local brasserie? Or go to the theatre once a month.

supernaut Fri 09-Jan-15 12:07:42

You don't have to go out drinking with him and his work colleagues, just make sure you do stuff together at the weekends, like days out with the family, or as a couple if you can get babysitters, etc.
You'll only drift apart if you are leading separate lives, but you can still do plenty together.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Jan-15 12:11:26

Speak up ... It's important to spend time as a couple otherwise it's far to easy to become 'the little woman at home' while he whoops it up like a single guy with his workmates. Getting 'hammered' when you have a young family isn't very responsible. Let me guess... the next day he lies about nursing a hangover until noon while the 'little woman at home' deals with the domestic stuff. hmm

Speak up. Be more demanding.

HootyMcTooty Fri 09-Jan-15 12:15:42

It sounds like you're drifting apart. You both need to make an effort to spend time together, go for dinner, drinks, whatever. Just do it regularly and just the two of you. It might be awkward to begin with, but that to me is a massive sign that you need to be doing more of this, not less.

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