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Write or ring?

(3 Posts)
Notabeararaccoon Thu 08-Jan-15 18:56:50

Hello everyone.

I'll try and be brief (but am naturally too wordy - sorry!). My parents have two kids, me (obvs) and DB. My childhood was - well, I'm not sure if quite abusive but my DM is hypercritical (of me only, not DB) and has always treated me as though her happiness is my responsibility IYSWIM? My DF is cold, a sulker, has a vile temper and aged 2, I apparently intervened to stop DF hitting DM (their story, I don't consciously remember it), as an example of me being responsible for her. They each have extreme problems with boundaries too. I grew up with horrifically low self esteem. I nearly went NC with my parents after yet another assault on my personality, looks and character (to unrelated others), and this changed the dynamic (as I believe is often the case with a narcissist, though unsure whether DM fits this exactly) for several years to something I found tolerable (I.e no more constant criticism of everything and anything about me, I was allowed to just be).

Some years ago, DF was v v ill (we were unsure if he would live or not), and DM relied on me v heavily, much less on DB, with whom she has a difficult relationship, then, when it became clear DF would recover, turned on me (she'd asked me to do something she knew he would be angry about if he lived, but which was v necessary). DF did recover, but family fallout was that DB was/is v angry about the way DM and DF behaved (as in, not doing what he thinks they should do) and has virtually gone NC (will have sporadic phone contact with DM but refuses to see them or speak to DF). The reversion of my r'ship with DM and DF to family whipping post sent me into depression, and I went to counselling which was, no exaggeration, a godsend. My end goal was to get back in contact with DP, as I am all too aware that what my mum meted out was what she had been taught by her mum, and so on and so forth.

However, fast forward to now, and all my DP want to talk to me about is DB. Does DB still drive this car (DF), does he still upgrade every two years? Have I spoken to DB? Did I know DB said he didn't want them to visit? (DM). I have told DM goodness knows how many times that I am not comfortable being asked about him, but she persists persists persists. Culminated this w/e with me getting really angry as she segued into victim mode about it, and telling her that I was sick of her making me sit in the middle, I had told her countless times that I am sorry her relationship with DB is rubbish, but I do not want to be drawn into it. She continued with the pity party, so I ended up losing my rag, and telling her she has two children, and if she wanted to lose contact with the one who actually still spoke to her, she was going the right way about it.

So, my question, if you've made it this far, is should I write to her to set out what I think, or ring? Going NC is not an option, my self esteem is unaffected, their clear preference for DB is of such old standing it no longer hurts really, and I do accept that each of them are, whilst awful parents to me, only the products of their own upbringings. My dilemma is kind of compounded by the fact that DM's memory is shocking, so I sort of want to write, so it might bloody stick in her memory. That said, DF is a horribly negative git, and will no doubt use it as yet another stick to beat notabear with, and point out what a shitsville individual I am. Don't much care for that, he's an evil twat IMO, but I know DM would be upset if we never spoke again.

Sorry it's so long, wanted to try and give enough backstory, and I did warn y'all!

Twinklestein Thu 08-Jan-15 19:12:44

Bugger the letter. She won't remember even if it's written down. (My father is exactly the same). They will both remember the insult of it though and will go on about it forever. (It doesn't matter if the letter is not insulting, the fact of it will affront them).

Even though you don't care what they think of you now, you're still too involved emotionally with them. Personally, I couldn't be arsed with parents like that but that's easy to say as they're not mine. If you want to remain in contact, you need to detach emotionally further from them.

They will inevitably ask you about DB whatever you do, whatever you say, whatever letters you write, because he's their son and they want to know.
It's just another one on the long list of imbecilities you have to accept about them.

That's the bottom line of a continued relationship with them.

Notabeararaccoon Thu 08-Jan-15 20:14:12

Thank you twinkle, you're right I think! I am still too emotionally invested. I suppose that by acting with kindness (which has been significantly lacking in both their lives) they will recognise that kindness, but, actually, they never will, and will continue to behave as they always have. sighs. I guess I should resign myself to a (limited due to age) lifetime of hanging up every time DB is mentioned (the wonderful, golden child that he is smile.

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