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Can you escape the control?

(17 Posts)
magicgirl79 Thu 08-Jan-15 17:06:03

This is how I feel ... both my mum and H are controlling, neither of them can I point out are violent, yet they both still have the ability to make me feel anxious, depressed and at time very nervous to the point of panic attacks. Im late 30s and I don't know how they can possibly still make me feel like a scorned child?

My mother is very opinionated, always questioning and goes above me with decisions re my child. She is not the type of person you can speak to about things as somehow it always goes back to her and how worse of she is.

My H smokes Cannabis daily and can be moody due to this so I can be on eggshells a lot of the time. I don't bother going out socialising as I can feel the discomfort from him which puts me off.

I am the worker in our home, he doesn't and most likely wont, I just want to remember happiness and freedom x

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 08-Jan-15 17:18:46

You will remember both happiness and freedom only if you break away from these two completely. It is of no surprise to me that you went onto marry someone like your abusive H because your own controlling mother showed you that particular template when you were young. She taught you a hell of a lot of damaging relationship lessons.

Womens Aid can and will help you leave if this is truly what you want to do. Their number is 0808 2000 247. Living on eggshells to my mind is code for living in fear. The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is none. That is correct, none.

You are in your late 30s; you really do not want to be entering the next year let alone the next two or three decades in the same situation as you are in now. You have no life and will not so long as both this man and your mother are at all in it; she and now he have done their own bit to drag you down with them. Do not grow flowers in this hole any longer but dig your way out instead!.

magicgirl79 Thu 08-Jan-15 17:25:26

Thank you, I would be willing to give my mum a chance to change, sometimes she can be supportive, then other times I feel like a child again. Sometimes I wonder if its just me, maybe im to moody/sensitive? When im at work im me, if that makes sense, I feel I can be the person I am, and I feel happy!

Im not sure im a Womans Aid, the eggshells I mean is if the mood changes its drags my mood down to, making me feel unhappy and probably depressed. Just lately I have been very down as I feel my life is slipping away to the needs of other people rather than me and my child. I sometimes imagine if its just the 2 of us and the freedom that comes with it x

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 08-Jan-15 17:34:04

No its not you it is her. You are NOT too moody and sensitive. Such controlling people like your mother are abusive in nature and like many abusers do the nice/nasty cycle very well. It is a continuous cycle of abuse. Your mother's own behaviours have partly led you into the arms of a man who does not work but expects you to keep him in weed.

It is no surprise that you feel happier at work; you are your own person there. You are not when you are around your H or your mother because it is in their interests not to let you be so.

You must break free of the two of them. This is no life for you and you really do not want to spend the next week let alone the next decade being in exactly the same rut as you are now.

You are an ideal person to talk to Womens Aid; they do not have to just hit you to hurt you. These two people are the root causes of your depressive state now and this is no life for any child to be witness to either. It will do that young person no good at all to see their mother being so thoroughly abused and downtrodden by the two people who have abused your trust and failed you so abjectly.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 08-Jan-15 17:35:33

Such women like your mother and your H for that matter never change. They are not psychologically interested in changing and are only thinking of their own selves. Such profoundly selfish people need the order of the boot from you.

I am so sorry that there was seemingly no one around as a child to protect you properly from your mother's own malign influence but you cannot and must not let history repeat itself here with your own child.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 08-Jan-15 17:39:00

What is the house situation? Rented/mortgage? If rented, in whose name?

magicgirl79 Thu 08-Jan-15 17:42:08

I don't remember any different as a child, she seemed more chilled them to be honest as she has got older she seems to have changed a lot. I think its she just so opinionated and confrontational and these behaviours put me on edge.

I get on edge with H as with the cannabis he is moody and sulky, and when he is like this it drains me but when he is happy he can be fine but this sometimes doesn't last long.

Thank you for your wise words x

Twinklestein Thu 08-Jan-15 18:25:24

Regardless of how you decide to deal with your mum, what's in your marriage for you?

Your husband's an unemployed cannabis addict who makes you feel depressed, anxious and panicky.

You are the main breadwinner, so you can leave with your child for a relatively stress-free life. He's obviously very controlling, so you may need Women's Aid to get out, as pp suggested.

You can take charge of your life.

Applecrumbling Thu 08-Jan-15 19:37:03

Magicgirl79. I was in your situation and extremely depressed although I didn't realise how much until now. Me and ex divorced but I still have the other issue with mum. However, I go away a lot and that freedom you talk about just you and ds exists and it's fantastic! Fir me I'm half way out of digging out if that hole. Not easy but you only get one life

magicgirl79 Fri 09-Jan-15 17:10:11

Thank you all so much, the house is bought but the mortgage payments come straight from my account which is in my sole name. It has always been that way simply as it is always me who pays, that and everything else!

He is now at me for a lend of money. I know my life would be so much easier/stress free but will I be giving it all up to easy? Should I give the chance to change/get a job? Should I ask him to stop smoking cannabis and drinking everynight? I sometimes cant believe that what I write is my life.

Tobyjugg Fri 09-Jan-15 17:15:59

I would be willing to give my mum a chance to change

She won't change. That behaviour is set too deep in her for her to suddenly become all sweetness and light.

Also, it seems you are playing host (one can hardly call it a relationship) to a dead beat pot head.

You would be well advised to put his stuff in a black sack, chuck it out and change the locks and to go nc with your Mother IMO.

Tobyjugg Fri 09-Jan-15 17:18:02

Should I give the chance to change/get a job?

I suspect I'll be elected Pope before he either changes or gets a job (other than some PT shit job just so he can say he's made the "effort").

Oh, and as for a loan - tell him to forget it.

youllshootyoureyeout Fri 09-Jan-15 17:23:18

It's your house, you pay for it so throw your H out! Surely your dc will be better off without his negative influence.

magicgirl79 Fri 09-Jan-15 19:36:16

Thanks all, I know you are all right, I think my decisions have been made for me for so long I feel helpless to make one now myself.

In my head I have scenarios of what life could be like and it would be good!!

Flimflammer Fri 09-Jan-15 23:54:49

I had to do this with a very controlling mother and it was a case of presenting her with the new status quo and leaving her with the option to contact me or not, then waiting ....but this was in the days when we only had landlines. She used to throw massive shit fits though, and the rule is ignore the bad, reward the good.

Have you ever discussed a split with your husband?

GoatsDoRoam Sat 10-Jan-15 01:08:38

You have stated several times already in this short threat that you imagine freedom, dream of what it would be like to be just you and your child, that you have scenarios in your head of life without these controlling people in it...

Listen to these thoughts: they are what you truly want for yourself and your child.

Now, what steps do you need to take to make these scenarios reality?

chimichanga1976 Sat 10-Jan-15 10:27:41

Hi Magic, I can totally understand where you're coming from. As somebody who was raised in a dysfunctional home where my ( now estranged ) mother had a drink problem and her husband ( not my dad ) used to deal and smoke weed ALL THE TIME, and have his pot - head mates round often, I can tell you that it was misery.

I am very familiar with the distructive changes hash induces in people, the moodiness, the paranoia and, ultimately, the aggression and violence, as it all deteriorates, esp when alcohol is in the mix. The atmosphere is utter shit, esp for a child who just wants a normal, happy home life.

It is no coincidence that I went on to have 2 abusive relationships with low - life, tossers, who were also pot heads. That was years ago and I had to definately go thru some awful shit before finally seeing the light and breaking the cycle.

Also, it is no coincidence that my half brother, ( same mam, different dad ) who is in his mid 30s and still living with them, is now a pot head ( and possibly worse ) with an alcohol prob. He is a sackless loser because they, his parents, were the role models he was brought up with. He works only part time cos he is that bone - idle! Nothing stopping him working full time at all.

I escaped by rebelling and being kicked out when I was 18yrs old. I could see things weren't normal, but he remained. But, as kids, our same - sex parent/guardian is our biggest influence in our formative years. They programme us and we see the results of this when we become adults with all sorts of issues stemming from childhood.

I just had to reply to you because, the fact you have a child raised alarm bells. It's bad enough that you're affected but please get your child away from this situation. Your husband is a terrible influence and I would hate your little one to be poisoned by their awful dad. It really is detrimental to a childs' development, to be living in such an unhealthy ( physically/mentally ) environment. Cannabis is destructive. Period.

Best wishes for changing your current predicament.

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