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What would you do?

(19 Posts)
HEARTandsoul15 Thu 08-Jan-15 10:02:28

I have a son who is 25 years old. From the age of about 14 he started smoking cannabis, progressed to using recreational drugs and then from the age of 18 started to use heroin. He has been into rehab 3 times and struggles with addiction. When he is clean and sobre he keeps himself fit and holds down a job which is well paid for a short time. He has times that are good and times that are bad. He tries to work the 12 step programme but never succeeds. At age 15 he became involved with a girl one year older than him who had been in care. She was housed in a lovely flat at aged 16 and they moved in together. I could not get him to come home as I knew they were both using drugs. The girl was domestically violent to him and he sustained some awful injuries. The flat would be regularly smashed up if he spoke to other girls. The girl got pregnant and baby was taken into care due to drug abuse of both of them and the violence and self
harm of the girl. We as young Grandparents with a 3 year old of our own became permanent guardians of our grandson who is now 7. My son has not spent a lot of time with his son and seems incapable due to his battle with addiction. Two years ago at xmas we were text from my son that he had had another baby who was a girl. My son had not long been out of rehab. We discovered that the he was using heroin again and so was this new girl. We were really worried about the baby as the girl was using heavily. I reported this to social services who told me they had no concerns as baby was dressed well. My claims were deemed unfounded. In April after the xmas this girl died from a heroin overdose. Her Mother was also a heroin addict. Her brother took the baby on as part of his family. Social services assured me that baby was being looked after well. The family did not want us to have any contact. My son is not named on the birth certificate so has no rights. There has been no DNA test. We are happy that baby is safe and cared for now. Now bringing things up to date. I have been inboxed this week on facebook by another girl that she has had a baby and she believes it to be my sons. She has told me that he is just less than a month old and that he was two weeks late. He was born on the 5th December 2014. She tells me she was not in a relationship with my son. He took her out on February 14th 2014 and they slept together. She only slept with him once and was pregnant. My son lives in a hostel down south. He left to go there in the middle of March 2014 as he had become addicted to Heroin again and felt that he could not stay where he lived because of his heroin addiction contacts. She is adamant baby is my sons and is demanding a D.N.A. test. She has also inboxed my son and she says he has not responded and is not interested. So then she felt she had no alternative to contact us his family. Now us as a family are fed up of picking up the pieces of the mess my son is making with girls and children. We are all upset by this again and don't want any contact as this girl is a stranger to us. We were never told during the pregnancy and again no D.N.A. test has been done. We feel these two adults have been totally irresponsible. Are we so awful not to want any more heartbreak. I don't even know what I am asking here but any thoughts would be appreciated. The girl has sent inboxes to me and my family with content of blame towards us and guilt trips. Is it so awful of me to want to go no contact.

afreshstartplease Thu 08-Jan-15 10:06:43

How frustrating this must all be

Your son really Needs to wake up

What is the mother of the latest baby like do you know? Is she also an addict?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 08-Jan-15 10:11:56

Of course it's not unreasonable to want no contact.
This is not your child. NOT your responsibility at all.
You may well be family, you may not, but you are not the parent.
I would ignore ignore ignore.
What on earth can she want from you?
She chose to have the baby. To be a single parent. That was HER choice.
Now it's YOUR choice to ignore this.
You have had far far more than your fair share of crap and have handled it with dignity and care.
Don't feel guilty.
Block the emails and social media and phone numbers and just get on with your life as best you can.
You are a saint for what you have done and gone through.
Do NOT feel guilty about this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 08-Jan-15 10:12:14

"Are we so awful not to want any more heartbreak"

Not at all. I'm sorry your son has made so many disastrous choices and got with such terrible people. I'm particular sorry that he's recklessly brought so many children into the world and, as a grandparent, that must be very difficult for you to deal with.

Sometimes I think the kindest thing to do is to tell someone that, even though you will always love them, you can't help them any more. As for the girl sending unpleasant messages, I would quite honestly refer them to the police as harassment.

SnotandBothered Thu 08-Jan-15 10:17:29

I understand and completely sympathise with your exhaustion over this. I really do. Not only have you had the heartbreak of a son with addiction and all the trouble and pain that brings, you have raised one of his children and had to wave prime rant goodbye to another.

I don't think you are selfish for drawing a line. But...

Do you have any inkling of this new girls situation? Have you asked SS about her? It doesn't seem fair that yet another child becomes your responsibility but if this baby is your sons and if your son is an addict and this girl is as well, someone needs to at least get the ball rolling with regard to safeguarding the child.

I would try and speak to your son and tell him he HAS to take some responsibility and go through with the DNA test at the very least. And take it from there.

GoatsDoRoam Thu 08-Jan-15 10:23:38

You are perfectly entitled not to respond, if that's what you want to do, or to inform her that it's not your problem and that you will not be doing anything. You could also send her your son's address, if you know it, so that she can take her claim up with him directly, if you want.

But basically, this is Not Your Problem, so you don't need to feel guilty about not getting involved. These are, as you say, two adults who have made their own choices.

Poor children, though.

SnotandBothered Thu 08-Jan-15 10:26:36

*prime rant = permanent confused

Weathervain Thu 08-Jan-15 10:29:23

What an awful situation for you to be in and to have coped with all these years. It's heartbreaking when your adult children are unable to cope I. The world and make endless mess for you to clear up.

My adult son also did the cannabis thing and experimenting with drugs, but thank heavens had the sense not to try heroin having seen friends die and become addicted. He still uses cannabis to a much lesser degree but holds down a job and home, but he has caused us endless sleepless nights.

Wrt this girl who is contacting you, just tell her not to contact you or your family. Block her and if she persists then contact the police as she is harassing you. You have no responsibility towards this new baby unless you want to. If you don't then it's not your problem. The DNA issue has nothing to do with you. The baby is the responsibility of the parents and it's existence is to do with lack of responsibility on their side and not yours. Legally you have no responsibility.

Even if you feel a family tie to this unknown baby what can you do to make its life better? I doubt you have the financial ability to support your own family and another distant one and you have enough on your plate without devoting emotional support to it. So basically you have got to have nothing to do with this child and it's mother. As DS says, there is only so much butter on the knife!

dirtybadger Thu 08-Jan-15 10:33:22

I wouldn't try and speak to your son as snot suggests. In an ideal world she gets the DNA test but it's really not your job to facilitate that. If they get it and it's his, cross that bridge when it comes. I have no idea who this woman is but if she is leading a chaotic lifestyle there may be a decent chance she is wrong, in any case.
Yo must be emotionally bloody exhausted.

As someone else said- perhaps need to contact SS as a minimum if you believe baby may be at any risk or DM needs support (may well be they're already involved but just in case).

FelicityGubbins Thu 08-Jan-15 11:37:27

The baby's dates don't quite add up, a Valentine's baby would be due 8-12 Nov so 2 weeks late would still be November (26th at the latest), not December 5th as that would be 23 days late! (I have a Valentine's ds).

mix56 Thu 08-Jan-15 15:43:05

OP, sounds like he may have told her that you have bought up one of his kids... but especially if the dates don't add up you can't help be skeptical.
What does she want ? Money ? or just fairly, for the father to participate. what can she blame you for? her own involvement with your son...
It may never stop... it takes 2 to make a baby, she was also responsible.
I wonder if she has a drug problem too ? I think I would write her a reply telling her that your son's problems are his, not yours, & block any more contact. I would inform the SS in view of the history.
I really feel for you, & think you have done all you can...--get him to have a vasectomy--

FlourishingMrs Thu 08-Jan-15 21:31:43

You can not do anymore, the more you pick up his mess, the more he will create.

Block the girl and stay clear

HEARTandsoul15 Fri 09-Jan-15 12:50:32

Thank you for all your answers they have been helpful. My adult children are now receiving messages as I have blocked her. She has admitted that baby may be another man's also. That is why she is wanting a DNA test probably even though she has told me that she is 110% sure that the baby is my sons. We have all blocked her now from messaging. Her recent inboxes have been accusing me of denying her baby and weather I was aware of the other baby I mentioned who's mother died of a heroin overdose. And that I probably deny that baby too. That she will never be in touch again and that I will never have any contact to her baby. That I will be sorry etc etc. Does anybody know for sure that if you only had sex on the 14th Feb and got pregnant when the baby would be due? Is it possible for this baby to have been born on the 5th December.
All answers have been very helpful and I have been able to put things in perspective. I can not emotionally go through anymore. I do not want to get involved but it was making me feel extremely awful.

FelicityGubbins Fri 09-Jan-15 13:10:59

If she had sex on 14th Feb then baby would be due between the 8th and 12th of November, with 2 weeks allowed before they forcefully induce you if you are overdue (they really don't like it to go over 14 days late) then baby would have arrived 26-27th at the latest.
I'm not a midwife so it's not an 'expert' opinion but my ds was conceived on Valentine's day as was I, so I do know a fair bit about it.
Mumsnet has due date/ conception date calculators so worth trying different dates yourself.
It sounds to me like she sees you as a meal ticket unfortunately sad

hellsbellsmelons Fri 09-Jan-15 13:45:53

Most women will go into labour between 38 and 42 weeks of pregnancy
Taken from NHS website.
So if she went 42 weeks then yes, it could definitely be your sons baby.

Yes, your SONS baby! Not YOUR baby!
Keep her blocked and keep ignoring.

FelicityGubbins Fri 09-Jan-15 13:54:10

42 weeks pregnant would be the 26th November hellsbells, baby was born 5th December so that's another 9 days on top. I don't know anyone that went 23 days minimum overdue.

Stripyhoglets Fri 09-Jan-15 13:55:48

Sounds like she expects to have made choices to have the baby but expects other people to then take responsibility, pay her money, help out etc etc. You don't need to be involved even if the baby is your sons. She chose to have the baby, someone with the attitude she has shown will probably use the baby as a bargaining tool anyway. It's ok to feel as you do.

waithorse Sat 10-Jan-15 21:53:49

How very difficult for you, though it does sound from the dates, it probably isn't your sons dc.

GrasshopperNchipmunk Sat 10-Jan-15 22:34:27

42 weeks takes it to the 5th December, not the 26th November so dates do match up.

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