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friends who I thought were friends are no longer friends

(10 Posts)
monkeytree Thu 08-Jan-15 09:59:15

Hi just wanted to express my thoughts, I find mn a really good place to do that.

I have one or two lovely friends in my life at the moment. I wouldn't say we are really close but I am grateful to have them in my life.

One friend would call me for coffee and a chat and ring to talk to me some evenings We were providing each other with mutual support or so I thought over separate issues in our life which thankfully both were resolved. I believe I was a good friend to this person. then we had a meet up with other friends and I found out this person was getting married. She hadn't bothered to tell me let alone invite me to the wedding.

Another friend was also a good listening ear to me but in return also seemed to really open up to me and told me things about herself I don't think she had told many other people. Others described us as close. I thought we had loads in common. Then I became pregnant and during my pregnancy and after dc was born it felt like I had been dropped like a brick. I wonder sometimes if having dc was too painful as this person had previously had a mc, she also has two surviving children.

Both friends seemed happy to support me through my fertility issues but as soon as this was resolved and my lovely dc was born they didn't want to seem to know. It feels really strange having no official being to these friendships, people who I though would be in my life forever. I try not to wonder what I may have done wrong, nothing maybe but it seems so peculiar. I do miss the coffee and chats and a sense of closeness I felt, I know I have to go out and make new friendships but this kind of thing can really affect confidence.

anyone else experience similar?

KatieRiley1986 Thu 08-Jan-15 10:29:23

I have had similar experiences with some friends. I have found some friends stick around but others don't as soon as a situation changes. I don't know if these friends feel like you won't have the time for them anymore so they find other friends. Sometimes I think if you are not at the same stage in life they feel unable to relate. Or perhaps they are not the nice person you thought they were. Do you think it could be any of those reasons?

monkeytree Thu 08-Jan-15 13:58:17

Hi Katie. Both of these ladies have a dc a similar age to my older dc and this was one thing in common obviously this hasn't changed. I really thought this ladies would be around despite my change in circumstance and I like to think that even if our situation changed we would have kept in touch even just now and again. It really knocked my confidence not helped by an occurrence of p.n.d (after they decided to leave the scene). I find
I do reply on others as I have very little family at least I don't have family members who don't have their own problems and I have very little support in general from my mother. My dh is very supportive but lack of company more keenly felt in daytime since becoming a sahm despite going to toddler groups finding it hard to connect with others so feel the loss of these so called friends. One issue maybe I am older mum, I just don't know.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 08-Jan-15 14:12:10

Sometimes you can be interesting/entertaining when you have problems but, once the problem has been resolved, you lose your appeal. Sometimes you're only required as audience to their woes... possible in the case of the woman who didn't tell you she was getting married. Sometimes the person realises they have 'over-shared' in a crisis and backs off for fear that they've made themselves look foolish. All kinds of things at play.

KatieRiley1986 Thu 08-Jan-15 14:56:50

One lady I was friends with I saw every week for a year whilst I was pregnant, then as soon as I had my daughter she lost interest. It does hurt and it makes you feel like you have done something wrong. But chances are you havent and that the issue is with them.
I can relate to finding it hard to connect with people at the toddler groups. I recently moved to a new area where I know no body and am finding it difficult.
And obviously you have to start right at the beginning of a friendship again with somebody new, which can be frustrating and takes time. I'm sure if you keep trying you will click with somebody.
If you are finding the people at the group you go to are younger maybe it would be a good idea to try another group.

secondchanceathappiness Thu 08-Jan-15 16:18:05

I have experienced this from both sides!

when i was struggling to conceive, all the friends i had made thru dd1 were falling pregnant with their second babies, which when you cant fall pregnant is extraordinarily difficult, especially if you don't necessarily want to talk about it!

When my life fell apart & i left my EA H, i was abandoned by people i considered to be 'friends' because they were more concerned with nosing about 'why' we had split (long story, but i simply didn't want to share it with just anyone) rather than supporting me.

I ended up moving away, leaving them all behind & starting a new life, with new friends. I learned that you don't HAVE to share details with friends, and in my new life i am very careful about what i tell friends re: my old life. A simple 'I don't talk about it' cut most of them off at the pass.

i guess what I'm saying is you never know what's going on in peoples lives, and true friends will not abandon you!

Good luck xxx

knightofswords Thu 08-Jan-15 16:23:56

I think that's a good attitude to have, secondchance. Keep things on a need to know basis until you feel the need to share stuff

monkeytree Thu 08-Jan-15 19:51:49

Yes cogito I think there is something in what you have written in your post, people can latch onto and almost become entertained or distracted by other peoples problems, it might make them feel better about themselves. Annoyed with myself I didn't see that, I am a fairly open person with those I consider true friends

NiceCupOfHerbalTea Fri 09-Jan-15 08:11:30

I think the problem a lot of people have is considering someone to be a friend too easily, some people's definition of a 'friend' is very different to mine. I consider someone to be a friend when I have known them for 5-10 years & been to their house / they've been to mine several times, I've met their family etc. Other people who I meet, get chatting to and hang out with for a bit are more social acquaintances or 'mates' in my definition. This approach shelters me from this type of upset as anyone that drops you after a life changing event or doesn't invite you to their wedding could never have been considered to be a friend anyway

monkeytree Fri 09-Jan-15 14:42:01

Nice cup that is a really interesting perspective and something I think I shall bear in mind in future. I have two friends who fit this description with one or two more nearly matching it. Different people in your life play different roles as you say some you just hang out with are more acquaintances. I had a mate who was life and soul of any party and really good at organising things and I met different people through her but not really what I would call a close friend. She moved abroad and I do miss her sometimes because she had such a great get up and go attitude and I have not met anyone like her since. I am a sahm and I guess this sometimes gives me more time to reflect upon things, I do miss the automatic company of work colleagues even though they weren't particularly friends we would talk about our children, work, general news etc (and have a good moan when necessary) this seems harder to come by now as you have half conversations chasing after a toddler with people you may only see once a week.

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