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DH in a funk. What to do? If anything?(10 Posts)
For the last few days, DH has been generally down and negative. He's normally a positive person, has the odd off day but bounces back straight away.
I'm a SAHM. DH is a contractor in a specialist role, meaning his current job is the only one which allows him to commute from our home where we have decent support network.
We have 14 month old DS. The only issue/ thing to deal with with DS is frequent wakings at night, which we are working on by DH taking him into the spare bed to cuddle him back to sleep (so that the doesn't cry for a feed- we're trying to wean him and he normally has 1-2 bfs a night now).
We had a chat on Monday night and DH said he's missing the chance to be spontaneous, have 'proper' nights out and socialise. Every suggestion I made was met with a negative. It's made me sad and a bit annoyed tbh, so I don't know what to do.
He went skiing with his brother just before Christmas whilst I stayed at home with DS and he's had some nights out plus a stag do since DS was born. I know he's missing his weekend sport, which will start again now the Christmas break is over. Part of me wants to do all I can to make it better for him but part of me thinks 'be an adult, it's what we signed up for'.
If he wants to be spontaneous, have nights out and socialise, why not be enthusiastic - assuming you'd like a bit of fun and relaxation as well - but put the onus on him to find a ways to achieve it? Could involve some sleep training for DS. Could involve getting a babysitter. You shouldn't be manacled to the house with a 14 month old....
MIL is going to have DS one Sunday a month so we can spend the day together. I think we need another go at a night out with MIL babysitting then taking DS in the morning so we can sleep in too. The last 2 attempts didn't work for various reasons. I'm making an effort to get more me time too. We're not doing sleep training. You're right about finding ways to do as much as possible Cogito.
Do consider the sleep training. 14 months is quite a long time to be up all night with a child and, at that age, they should be on three square meals a day (not just being weaned) and reasonably able to self-settle. My DB was born when I was 14 months old and, if I'd been an up all night kind of kid requiring cuddling back to sleep in another room, I'm pretty sure my parents would have been even more bad tempered with each other than they already were.
DS is on 3 square meals a day, but he's not dropped his bed time feed yet and we're fine with that. He takes a bottle from DH when I go out. DH says he's ok with the cuddling for now as it gets us all a decent night's, so I'm trusting he's being honest. TBH I was more after advice on whether DH's current state of mind is something other people have gone through and what they did about it than having DS' feeding critiqued. Yes, I know sleep could be better and we are slowly working on that.
Our DD is nearly 2. We both miss the spontaneity of not having children.
For example - we often say we'd love to just head down for an afternoon in the pub. We hardly ever did that before DD! It's just that we can't do it any more, not that we simply don't want to.
However, we have made a point of sleep training DD and leaving her with MIL, FIL and his wife, my DSis and a babysitter (favourite nursery keyworker). This way, although the spontaneity is not there, we do get to go out: restaurant, cinema, gig, pub, whatever. She also sleeps over at her grandmother's occasionally.
In all honesty I can understand where your DH is coming from. The reality is that unless you have a babysitter who is happy to do night feeds for you, this will be a problem unless your DH suddenly stops feeling like this. And it's a reasonable enough way to feel IMO.
he has to do some work himself in making it better for him; don't take it as your role to make him happy. skiing nights out weekend sport - what about you?? what is he doing to make you happy and give you time off?
yes have him organise nites out together with mil babysitting but don't take on a role of you trying to make him happy - you cannot. tho you can do things that make you happy and hopefully this feeds in to his happiness... he needs to take this in hand himself and come to you with suggestions and ideas.
what does he mean by a "proper night out"? say ok, what would a proper night out be and what can he do to organize it?
how does he expect to be totally spontaneous with a baby/toddler - you cannot you have to organize unless you do things baby can go to. that s life with a family. tough.
socialise - well either you get babysitters every night or however much eh wants and go out as couple; or you socialise with other families on day time weekends etc. what does he want? who does he want to socialise with? what form does it look like in his mind?
"I was more after advice on whether DH's current state of mind is something other people have gone through and what they did about it than having DS' feeding critiqued."
So you don't think there's a link? Of course your DH is happy to do the night time feeds because that's what parents do.... knuckle down and get on with it. Doesn't mean that it's not getting him down at the same time. We all love our kids but when their schedule is too full-on and other important needs are getting neglected then the balance is probably wrong.
At 14 months old your baby needs to learn to sleep at night, not eat, so in your shoes I would focus on that.
You are doing it right in that your dh tends to him at night. Keep that up, and just stop the night feeds. If you are persistent, it wont take more than a week.
I agree with a PP that it's a joint plan you need to put in place. The problem you have is that there are too few opportunities to socialise and be spontaneous as a couple. The reason for the lack of opportunities is (mostly) that there is a 14 mo baby in the mix with a particularly high maintenance schedule. The solution ... which you both work on... is not 'man up because this is what we signed up for' and is not you finding ways to make your partner happy. It will be finding ways to be more sociable and spontaneous whilst at the same time training the baby to be a little more flexible.
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