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Why does everyone think I should be over him? and are they right?

(50 Posts)
stickydate65 Wed 07-Jan-15 22:40:51

Haven't posted for a while but tonight I am so fed up. Quick background H left in Sept after 24 years marriage for OW, didn't have a clue until it was too late there was a problem and I am truly heartbroken to have lost my soul mate, but 3 months on I feel like I am getting on everyone's nerves and they are fed up with my tears and heartache. It feels like people think I should be moving on and the reality is I am hurting as much as the day he went. I am afraid to ring people or meet friends now and friends/family who I thought were so mad at H and offering me support now seem to be being won over by him and I feel they are taking his side or at least mellowing towards him even though he is still being an arse towards me. Am I really being over dramatic and 'needy'. I don't want to be upset all the time but I am stuck in this nightmare and I don't know how to stop crying. I am trying to get out and meet friends but I think they are fed up with me going on about him. Every time I go out or speak to someone on the phone I resolve to avoid talking about him but it doesn't work and I don't now how to look to the future, because it feels like I don't have a future without him (God that sounds pathetic!) Is it normal to still be so heartbroken? Will I ever get over this?

pdxs Wed 07-Jan-15 22:54:13

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad... I don't have personal experience but I think it's both normal and very healthy to feel sad and grieve the end of a long relationship, especially as you did not expect it.

My dad passed away a few years ago... at the time her best friend was in your situation. .. and mum would come in from work to tell me that they'd both been in tears the whole day... so don't feel that you are unusual. It is true that when people have nor beeb in same boat they expect you to be over things fast (again, thinking of bereavement. ..) - could you focus on talking to more sympathetic friends and consider counselling if you feel stuck after a few more months? Not because anything is wrong, but for yourself?

Take care

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Jan-15 22:56:05

September? Only 4 months ago?!!! After 24 years coming to an abrupt and shocking end, I'd say you should think in terms of years before you start to deal properly with the visceral and personal trauma you've gone through.

If anyone in your family is cosy in up to the arsehole, tell them you are disgusted at their lack of loyalty. 'Friends' who do the same thing are not friends. Some people can suffer compassion fatigue which is why counsellors are valuable. If you're very depressed consider seeing your GP. But no, you shouldn't in any way be over it.

Took me 2 years before I could even hear my ex's name without welling up....

stickydate65 Wed 07-Jan-15 23:03:35

I have thought about counselling but I don't know how that would help? Will it make me less sad or just more able to cope with my sadness? I feel so low and tired, it is just like a bereavement, in fact it would have been easier if he had died (how wicked a thought is that?) then I wouldn't have to deal with the rejection and idea of having been replaced. I want him to still be a good father to my lovely children who deserve that but I hurt when they see him and hear from because I am almost jealous they are getting to spend time with him and I'm not! Is that normal ? I know I should follow advice given previously to make the most of having time to myself but I don't know how to/feel ready to fill it yet...

Ouchbloodyouch Wed 07-Jan-15 23:04:54

4 months? Oh be kind to yourself. How can you be over it after 24 years? Maybe if you had checked out of your marriage it would be different but you clearly hadn't and you loved him. Are you sure that are fed up with you? I was with my partner for just three years and for 4 months I couldn't go a day without mentioning him.. I did feel like a stuck record but I NEEDED to process it with my friends. Its getting so much better. Keep on keeping on x

stickydate65 Wed 07-Jan-15 23:06:38

Cogito, it's more his family who were supporting me in the beginning who are now mellowing to him and I know family's will stick together, but I felt secure in their condemnation of him that what he'd done was wrong but now I am starting to feel they are carrying on their relationship with him as if he's done no wrong.

SelfLoathing Wed 07-Jan-15 23:10:31

You are grieving for the loss of something that is 24 years old. It's like bereavement.

You shouldn't expect to be fine at 4 months. And nor should your friends expect you to be fine.

But that's totally different from expecting your friends to deal with you crying and talking about it endlessly. Once you've offered initial support it becomes boring to listen to someone going on and on about any personal problem. That's why people pay for counsellors. The only real exception is a very close best friend - who probably will provide unending support.

Limit the public exposure of your grief to one or two close friends. As for the others, either fake it till you make it or give them a wide berth until you feel better.

elastamum Wed 07-Jan-15 23:11:49

You are not overreacting, be kind to yourself, 4 months is nothing. It took me 2 years to feel good about myself and I wasn't married 24 years. I did find counselling helped as it gave me a safe space to talk and cry and not feel I was boring my friends to death with my woes. Might be worth a try to see if it helps. Minimising contact with ex right down to absolutely necessary for your DC is also good. You cant break away if he is always in your life. It will get better flowers

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Jan-15 23:12:20

Counselling might help because it would give you an outlet to express yourself fully and in the unrestrained way that you don't seem to have with friends and family. I didnt use a counsellor because my best friend is an exceptionally lovely, wise and patient woman.

I also thought it would have been better if my exH had died btw. smile If he'd been involuntarily dead his absence would have been easier to deal with than knowing he was alive and well but choosing to be elsewhere... I understand that one perfectly.

One thing that my lovely, wise, patient friend did however, was to call time on the tears. She let me sob and hit the scotch etc for several months but one day, gently but firmly, she pointed out that it was time to think about the future rather than stay stuck in a past I couldn't change. It was a pivotal moment and it was well-timed.

Worth thinking about counselling

chemistc Wed 07-Jan-15 23:14:55

Firstly I am so sorry that your marriage ended.

Secondly, no I don't think you should be over it by now. When your marriage ends you go through a mourning process. Shock, anger, sorrow/sadness, there are lots of emotions to work through and process.

elsabelle Wed 07-Jan-15 23:17:08

Ive been dealing with the loss of my mum and the unexpected departure of my fiance for the last 6 months and i am still a total mess! I cry daily and mainly feel unable to cope / carry on. Counselling is helping me OP, i'd recommend it. They are paid to listen to our shit for a whole hour so you dont feel guilty about wailing and going on! ;-)

4 months is very recent for such a long marriage. I agree with Cog that real friends will be loyal to you and still listen - even if they inwardly groan every time you mention him. I'm sure mine do but they kinda take it in turns to see me! Be kind to yourself OP. It will take a long time, just take baby steps, a day at a time, even an hour at a time. And treat yourself to anything and everything you fancy.

Cog did you really well up at his name for 2 years? Thats good to hear as i even cry when someone mentions somebody else with the same first name as my ExP. (Its a common name so seems to happen a lot!).

Sending hugs and strength to you OP xx

comeagainforbigfudge Wed 07-Jan-15 23:21:33

flowers

Op, can't remember which programme I watched probably how I met your mother but one of the gags centred round the length of time in weeks it takes to get over a break up depends on how long it lasted.

In your case 24 years = 24 weeks. In reality, it takes as long as it needs to.

We've probably all been there to some degree. It will get better. Gradually you'll stop thinking/talking about him all the time. Just talk away to your friends. That's what friends are for. Acknowledge that you know you keep talking about it BUT highlight how upset you still are. Any friend worth their salt will let you whinge on. and hopefully join in with vino

In the meantime, look after yourself, t
reat yourself to manicures or a massage.

If you feel like you "don't have a future without him" it might be worth considering counselling.

Another option, if you can afford to, is to look at evening classes. Pick something you wouldn't have considered before and go do it. You'll make new friends and learn something new. But also, for one night a week you won't have time to think about him.

Or just take up boxing and vent your anger/frustration/sadness on the poor unsuspecting punch bag!!

I hope you start feeling better about things soon op

stickydate65 Wed 07-Jan-15 23:23:22

self I think you're right about it becoming boring to friends, that's how I am feeling they feel. Maybe I should try the counselling, I just feel a bit uncomfortable sitting and sobbing in front of a stranger! It was hard enough when I was crying in front of my GP who I have known for years! But I can't talk about what's happened without crying!

elastamum I am getting better about minimising contact, but I miss him desperately and feel so lost without him.

wobblebobblehat Wed 07-Jan-15 23:27:37

I think it's useful to speak to someone who isn't a friend or family member. Someone who will listen and not judge you.

I went through a very difficult time a few years ago and found an amazing lady who was a holistic therapist. She is the wisest person and, as opposed to everyone else in my life, always seems to find the right words/advice. I too felt that everyone was bored of my whinging.

stickydate65 Wed 07-Jan-15 23:28:58

I feel so pathetic, I am/was a strong independent person who in no way relied on him to survive. If anyone had ever said he'd do this to me I would have said good riddance if he doesn't want me I don't want him, but..... the reality is oh so different! I didn't depend on him but I find living without him so painful..... I would still take him back despite all he's done (how stupid am I?) because the love I feel for him won't die like it should now he's treated me like this! I never dreamt I would be so needy as this!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Jan-15 23:29:10

Yes I welled up two years on.... I've blocked out a lot of that time of my life because it was truly horrendous and not always that rational. Didn't get divorced for years because I couldn't face it - I'd be literally shaking dialling a solicitor.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Jan-15 23:30:26

We're strangers and you're OK talking to us..... smile

Greencurtain Wed 07-Jan-15 23:36:08

4 months is no time at all. I think it's fine for you to feel how you do. However it may be better to be selective as to who you discuss your feelings with. Anyone who is stupid enough to think that you can get over a 24 year marriage in 4 months is incapable of giving you the support you need so either distance yourself or talk about other stuff with them. Lots of people on here have personal experience and understand how you feel so posting will be a great help to you.

stickydate65 Thu 08-Jan-15 06:13:11

cogito true but you can't see me sitting here bawling!

I feel I block a lot out because it's too painful to think about it.
He was (and I emphasise was) such a 'nice' person, always making an effort to do nice things for me (usually with sex in mind!) and I often pushed him away, (tired, stressed etc etc.). Some days I feel I must be the bad person and I deserve this and others I think he should have hung in there, we married for better for worse and I never even knew he was unhappy before he met her! I suppose blaming myself is part of the grieving process. I just feel like I have lost my right arm and I feel so lonely.

I must find a way to be stronger, I just don't know where to start! Maybe not talking about him to everyone will come naturally as time goes on. I do hope so!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 08-Jan-15 06:32:10

I can only speak from the personal experience of having been dumped out of the blue by a husband that (although the relationship had various problems) appeared to be in it for the duration. I recognise the feeling of blaming yourself and wondering jf you did enough to keep the wheels on the bus. You say you're trying to avoid dwelling (good) but I would also expect that you have a huge amount of other unanswered questions disrupting your regular thoughts as you scroll back over the past wondering where it went wrong, what signs you missed, etc.

A good counselor won't make you talk about anything you can't handle. They tend to have plenty of tissues handy too smile

Or keep talking to us if it helps

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 08-Jan-15 06:33:59

Btw. ... say more about this 'nice' behaviour in the expectation of sex. Was mismatch of sex drive a recurring issue do you think?

professornangnang Thu 08-Jan-15 06:40:52

Blood is thicker than water. Even if he was an axe murderer his family would eventually forgive him same as you would be by yours. Put a little distance between you and them because they won't change their minds. I'm sorry.

3mum Thu 08-Jan-15 07:02:33

I second those who say that it takes much longer than 4 months to get over a long relationship. Think more in terms of 1-2 years. (I was with my exH for 30 years married for 22. Found out he had cheated repeatedly through our marriage.)

That doesn't mean you will feel the way you feel now for the next two years. It will be an upward trend, but patchily and sometimes it feels like you are going backwards, but overall it will be getting better. By two years down the line it definitely feels like something which is well in the past and you won't be able to believe that you went through so much pain over him.

I'd suggest that you need to start thinking now in terms of building yourself up. If you are going through all this pain and change it might as well be transformative in a good way - yes?

Focus on you, on getting fitter (exercise really helps and try to do some every day even if just a walk - I found that my mind was racing in circles at this stage and something like an hour's step class was the only time my mind shut up and gave me some peace), learning new skills, e.g. languages or work related, going out to talks, lectures, meet up events - anything which takes your fancy and on making new friends. Basically keep yourself busy in a positive way. There will still be sad times but they are lessened when you have other things to think about.

And definitely yes to a counsellor. I am so much not a counsellor type or person, but at the stage you are at now and for a few months afterwards, just having someone to talk to who had no agenda other than my benefit and who I knew would not talk about what I said to anyone else was a lifeline. Over time she suggested things like CBT and breathing exercises which also really helped.

And take control of the divorce process too. Because now you are a grown up who puts yourself first and values yourself. Go and see a solicitor. In a long marriage you should be entitled to half the assets, half the joint pension pot and maintenance for life. You need to be sure of your financial position and you need to get at least to decree nisi for the courts to make a maintenance order. Don't settle for less than you are entitled to in an attempt to be nice. It is a waste of time and you will bitterly regret it in the future.

The really interesting thing I think Mumsnet has shown is that many of us who have been through long marriages and then divorced due to infidelity are now, down the track, happier than we have ever been before and would not go back even if we could. Welcome to what will be the best years of your life!

Sundayplease Thu 08-Jan-15 08:16:25

The only thing that will help is time. And sorry to say the hurt will never go away completely and you will always feel sad about the end of a long relationship, even if you no longer loved him.

Three years on after my split, I still feel sad eg when I hear a certain song, at special occasions, looking at photos, just little memories that pop in your head and also thinking about what could have been.

It is a massive adjustment to be on your own after sharing your life with someone for 24 years.

Do you have any friends who have divorced or been through the same? I have got closer to those people as we could compare notes. You would be surprised how many of us fantasised about them being dead. Awful but true.

Sundayplease Thu 08-Jan-15 08:20:02

Oh and the point about your ex's family being on your side and then changing allegiance, I think that is natural too. My ex's family have not supported me at all but on the rare occasion I have seen them they have told me they did not approve of his behaviour, they were worried about me and the dc but that it was awkward for them to stay in touch. Fair enough.

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