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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What's going on with this man anyone?

26 replies

Timmytime2025 · 07/01/2015 22:35

I met a bloke on a dating website about 3 years ago we had an amazing first date he chased me like mad had a bit of a fling and he just stopped making so much effort and i just didn't answer his texts and that was that. Over the years we have had the odd message.

I was in a relationship but now am single and have a young baby. We got back in touch and have been texting. One day he will message me all day and is so sweet then nothing. We have a running joke about being together and he pays me lovely complements and we talk about anything. He's offered to drive over here which is a 140 mile round trip, offered to take me for coffee. Blah blah. He's always said he wasn't into kids but asks how my daughter is etc. I always say no too all these offers.

We had a steamy shall I say affair before and I thought he was after sex but I've made it clear that won't be happening and he still want to come round. Tonight he's texting me goodnight and he will text me tomorrow. But why? He will do this then nothing for a day or more. I don't ever initiate it because I find it so confusing. He's just made a joke saying he's worth waiting for in a relationship context.. He will then another time say he will always be single because no one will have him or he likes living alone.

I used to really like him he's very good looking and fun but the hot and cold thing worries me after what happened before. I'm not looking for a relationship as such but I'm also a bit vulnerable after a bad year and he's given me a boost. I wonder if I'm one of many he likes to text or what it is?

Anyone whose not died of boredom have an opinion of what he's up too?

OP posts:

Report

pdxs · 07/01/2015 22:40

It sounds like a classic case of someone who has recently been dumped and looking for attention/validation...

getthefeckouttahere · 07/01/2015 22:42

Funny you should mention boredom because thats exactly what he is suffering from. You are a pastime for him.

pdxs · 07/01/2015 22:43

Sorry to be so brief... of my various (dating) exes... This has been typical - that or during times of relationship stress/uncertainty. ..

Timmytime2025 · 07/01/2015 22:43

Good point thank you. I think gut reaction of leave alone was right.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2015 22:48

He believes that, once you meet him again, sex will happen. People like this don't take any notice of being told that you're not interested.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2015 22:49

'Arrogance'

Timmytime2025 · 07/01/2015 22:52

So pleased I posted he's wanting to be friends it didn't feel right which is why I haven't initiated contact or my him. Very glad now!

OP posts:

TongueBiter · 07/01/2015 22:54

He will be texting you and all his other hook-ups to see who bites first and seems most "up for it". He WILL expect to talk you into having sex, or he will have a drink and say he can't drive back so can he sleep on your sofa/in your bed "but nothing will happen" etc.

Not worth bothering with unless you fancied a nsa shag.

Timmytime2025 · 07/01/2015 22:57

I'm off men full stop was just falsely flattered! My focus is on my daughter I just found it very confusing!

OP posts:

SelfLoathing · 07/01/2015 23:04

He's using you for something for his own ends but doesn't want a relationship.

It maybe he gets off on the emotional contact/feeling you want him/ the power or you hoping.

It maybe that he's hoping to groom you into a fuck buddy or just for a one off shag or two.

Whatever it is, it's not good from your point of view.

SaucyJack · 07/01/2015 23:18

He's probably bored/lonely and wants the enjoyment of a familiar shag. I doubt there's anything more to it.

Unless that's all you want too, then you'd be best of cutting contact. You don't sound as tho you want to be just friends with him, and he'll never step up and be anything more meaningful.

Arrowminta · 07/01/2015 23:26

I agree with the other replies sorry to say.

The fact that you are responding to his texts is giving him what he wants from you. He will be trying to manipulate you into something more than meeting up for a coffee.

You've had enough on your plate without someone adding to it and I'm glad you are listening to the replies.

Timmytime2025 · 07/01/2015 23:29

To be honest it just passed the day initially.I took no notice of it at all but he's been on the charm offensive for weeks now I had started to think what did he want. I didn't trust it which is why I didn't accept any of his offers what a dick head I don't need anymore hassle from men in this lifetime!

OP posts:

Arrowminta · 07/01/2015 23:34

I'm not the best person to give advice as I have revisted the past a few times where men are concerned and this is what I've learned.

No matter how long has past, be it 3, 10 even 20 years or more, you will get the same as what you got before. It wasn't right then and no matter how much water under the bridge it won't change.

morethanpotatoprints · 07/01/2015 23:58

Nothing wrong with remaining friends just don't read anything into it that isn't there.
Who knows he could be in a relationship already, may want to talk you round to a fling.
He doesn't like kids so obviously not for you.
If he's single, then why?

SolidGoldBrass · 08/01/2015 00:41

He's definitely Not That Into You. It's very likely that you are one of several women he is sniffing around, getting ego strokes from your attention and seeing which of you might be up for a shag at some point.
To be fair, he's single and so are you and there isn't really anything wrong with a bit of a casual flirtation (or a shag for the hell of it). Enjoy the flirts, and have a shag if you fancy it, but if you are only interested in dating a man who at least has the potential to turn into a partner/boyfriend then this one isn't it.

ToastedOrFresh · 08/01/2015 09:11

He might be one of those blokes that would chase you to the ends of the earth. Insist on getting married then jilt you on your wedding day never to be heard of again.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2015 09:16

Marriage! LOL.... He's a chancer. He probably has a 'little black book' with the details of various women he knows, calls them up when he gets a bit bored, pursues them long enough to get some jollies and a few hot dinners, gets bored then moves onto the next one. A sort of rotation system. He's obviously got some kind of charm or people like the OP would not be giving him the time of day.

Timmytime2025 · 08/01/2015 09:25

Thanks all some great insight! He's very charming and fun. I'm not daft I got rid last time because his lapsidaisy contact got on my nerves! If he wants a leg over he's working really hard for it makes me laugh I just refuse any meet ups, don't initiate conversation just chat if it suits me.

I'm a little miffed that it's his motivation as I thought we were friends and we do talk about some quite personal stuff but I knew deep down which is why I haven't met up. I don't want a relationship but definitely don't want a fling either il let him carry on creeping it's quite funny really! Who wants someone whose playing that game he's nearly 40!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2015 09:33

"If he wants a leg over he's working really hard for it "

That's the attraction. It is a game and it's only fun as long as you're a challenge. Once you're not a challenge people like this lose interest and move on to the next challenge.

SelfLoathing · 08/01/2015 09:36

If he wants a leg over he's working really hard for it makes me laugh I just refuse any meet ups

Well he's not working really hard is he?

I've fallen into this trap before - thinking by just saying "no" you are getting pursued.

All he is doing is texting. That requires no effort. When ever I get a text from a guy now, I look at it and think "is this just sent to me or has it been sent to a pile of women?". Very often it could be sent to a pile of women.

Eg:
AM: Morning Sweetie. How are you?
Noon: Not heard from you but thinking of you.
PM: Would be lovely to catch up soon. Have a great evening.

That could be a distribution list to 10 women on a groomed "shag" rota.

Texting someone, even repeatedly, is no effort at all. Calling someone is more effort. Real effort is sending flowers, calling and asking for a date when you are free so he can take you out to dinner, booking a fabulous restaurant on a date when you are free, coming to pick you up, chaffeuring you there etc etc.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking he is working really hard for your attention. He really isn't.

Someone said to me on here recently, think of it like a Nigerian spammer. If they send out enough crap, someone will bite. Good analogy I thought. Helped me anyway.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2015 09:37

ROFL... loving the Nigerian spammer analogy!!! I am related to the Royal Family & have one millions pounds in a bank account that is yours if you shag me

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Optimist1 · 08/01/2015 10:01

No further advice required, OP - SelfLoathing has it spot on!

Timmytime2025 · 08/01/2015 10:27

I love the Nigerian spamming too! He obviously has some that fall for it poor sods! He's not text today at all fairly typical after his good nights and sucky texts last night will take with huge pinch of salt and he will be remaining by text only!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2015 10:30

Why would you waste your time texting him? He's not a friend...

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