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Is he abusive or just a prize dick?

(7 Posts)
FushandChups Wed 07-Jan-15 21:25:17

I can't work out if my stbxh is just am arsehole or whether there is more to it.

We had been together almost 10 yrs but only married 2 and a half before he left me for OW. Since then he has morphed into someone I completely don't recognise and he treats me like dirt.

I have decided to completely disengage and leave things in the hands of my (expensive sad) solicitor as anything agreed between us in either mediation or informally is always changed which completely wrong foots me.

Some examples:
- shouted abuse at me in the street because I was an 'hour late' collecting our children even though no time had been agreed after attending my friends mums funeral who died unexpectedly and very tragically in another county. In front of the kids too
- phoning me up to shout at me because my text wasn't written correctly, too snark (just a factual request)
- telling me I am always telling him what to do when I have only talked to him about the children and never criticised it corrected his parenting (despite not always agreeing)
- hanging up on me almost every conversation after being vile and me mid trying to respond
- 3 visits to mediation and after every session, changing his mind about a significant detail which makes the whole thing pointless
- never responds to texts around the children despite me knowing he is never more than a foot from his phone at all times

Of course this is just my side and he obviously feels 100% in the right but I doubt myself so much. I feel completely beaten into submission now - we've been separated 2 yrs!

I will admit that I used to get so angry with him - he would just not let me speak or tell me my point of view was wrong - but I changed all that, completely disengaged and now never talk to him about anything other than the children. I am so anxious whenever I see a message or the phone rings and it's him sad

We have 2 young DC and he has definitely used them to point score which is hateful although of course, he doesn't see it like that.

Sorry - this is just a brain dump but would be interested in what you think. He does (or at least did) have good points but all I get is a shower of shit now and I can't work it out - he wasn't like this when we were together so that's why I can't work out if it's abuse but since he's left he has honestly become someone I can't recognise. .

Thanks - this is long

Quitelikely Wed 07-Jan-15 21:34:27

In all honesty I would communicate via lawyers or email only regarding the children. You can get phones that bleep as soon as an email comes through so no need for emergency contact number. Provide your parents if necessary.

Believe me once you don't have to speak to him or read his texts your life will be much nicer.

It's possible he is angry and resentful at you seeking a settlement from the marriage. Some men are just tight, greedy or both!

FushandChups Wed 07-Jan-15 22:30:57

Thanks and yes - no more contact makes me feel such relief that it's got to be the only way..

There is nothing apart from DC to settle - only a few assets and rather a lot of debt so clean break has been recommended. I think he's just angry with the way his life is at the moment - whilst he has the OW, nothing else has been handed to him on a plate so he just lashes out sad

Who knows - and as of now, who cares smile

HansieLove Wed 07-Jan-15 22:55:20

You don't do mediation or counseling with an abuser.
No phone calls. Emails or texts only so you have a record.
Go for complete indifference.

This I've learned on Mumsnet! ��

knightofswords Wed 07-Jan-15 23:33:14

He is a prize dick. I am currently divorcing one of these (although he was never unfaithful he was and still is a controlling k-head). You are right to disengage and just focus on the DCs.

borisgudanov Thu 08-Jan-15 08:55:08

Both. Hope you take the bastard to the cleaner's. Twunt.

FushandChups Thu 08-Jan-15 17:28:14

Speaking with my solicitor today and has really put my mind at rest - hopefully all contact up until court will be through her so I can just plough onwards.

She actually believes he could be mentally unwell given some of his previous actions and the way he reacts to simple requests...

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