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Moving relationship forward?

(9 Posts)
Notanotherheadache Wed 07-Jan-15 09:04:13

Have posted before about this but still haven't moved forward and every now and then I get the feeling I really want to. Backstory is been seeing BF for a year now , both in late forties, I have my own home he has lived at parents house for couple of years following relationship breakup.

The relationship is very good, I'm very comfortable with him apart from broaching one particular subject, living together! I think this is because im scared of rejection and I know if he wasn't keen on it then the whole status quo of our relationship would change which would hurt me deeply. The other reason is because I think that deep down I probably hold the old fashioned belief that moving a relationship forward to this stage should come from him, rightly or wrongly

There's actually no reason to stop us living together ut I just get the feeling he's very comfortable with how his life is anyway, I am too but I do want to be with someone full time one day. He spends all the time he can at my house already unless I work late in which case he doesn't come round

I know I should just bite the bullet and say something but I'm not very good at this. Any thoughts or suggestions please

FinallyHere Wed 07-Jan-15 09:27:09

Serious question here: why do you want to move the relationship on in this way? DH and I lived an hour apart for the first nine years of our relationship. We visited as much as we could, though both travelled for work so often away. We never had a cross word all those years.

Once we changed jobs, so could live together, the adjustment was much harder than either if us had expected. If you have separate spaces, then its usually my place, my rules for each of you. Once you come together, there are sooo many things to negotiate.

While i love him dearly, and really enjoy his company, I also miss having my own space when i only have to consult my own wishes.

Would be interested to know what impact you would expect the change to have. What change are you expecting from this change?

HootyMcTooty Wed 07-Jan-15 09:31:23

What makes you think that if you broached the subject of potentially moving in together the whole status quo would change? Surely it's a reasonable expectation to be able to discuss the future of your relationship. What has he done to make you think you can't raise this sensibly?

Notanotherheadache Wed 07-Jan-15 09:33:53

finallyhere good point you have made and I understand what you are saying having previously been in a 20 year marriage and having now lived alone for 5 years I can see the pros and cons of both situations

I suppose I just feel it's the natural order of things if you love someone, you want to share your life as fully as possible with them. I dont want a relationship where I am seeing someone for years and never sharing a home together. It's just my preference I guess

Notanotherheadache Wed 07-Jan-15 09:37:44

hooty I can't put my finger on anything he's done to make me feel I can't raise the subject, I'm certainly not scared of raising any subject with him , apart from this because I think I'm protecting myself from what I would see as rejection. I think it would change the relationship because I would be really hurt and get anxious he was only with me until he found someone "better"

HootyMcTooty Wed 07-Jan-15 10:54:45

Can you raise the subject in terms of if the relationship continues to go well does he see you living together one day, rather than asking him to move in? If the answer is no, of course you will have to deal with the sense of rejection, but surely it's better to know where you stand and act accordingly, than hang on to hope.

At the moment you have a partner who seems to have all the benefits of your home, without having to pay for it.

Notanotherheadache Wed 07-Jan-15 11:43:08

hooty it did come up in conversation once about a month ago and I did ask if he could see himself living with me and he said yes, however nothing more was said by either of us and we kind of drifted on to talk about something else. I suppose after reading some people's experiences on MN I'm aware that some men and women are not always totally honest. If he wants to keep seeing me he's unlikely to answer no as its risking me ending it. I do think that men will keep the status quo going if they are enjoying seeing that person

I just seem to know a lot of people who have got married very quickly even 2nd and 3rd marriages and part of me thinks he doesn't love me the same

nowwearefour Wed 07-Jan-15 14:31:06

He might feel that he can't suggest moving in with you as it is your place? Perhaps you need to bite the bullet and invite him to move in with you?

HotLipsHoulihan Wed 07-Jan-15 14:35:31

Look, if this is a man that you consider to be a potential life partner, then it's daft to skate around this issue.

Putting aside the issue of why a grown man is still at his mums ( and no, I don't buy the relationship breakdown thing... For a few months, maybe , but no self sufficient self respecting man in his 40s would still be back at home now ) just say it! Sit him down and say ' we've been together a year. Where you do envisage us in the future? ' like this, moved on, living together? Just wanted to chat about it ...'

There really is nothing else you can do

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