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Finding it so hard to accept DH of 26 years has moved on and will I ever feel happy again ?

(12 Posts)
Throughthestorm Wed 07-Jan-15 00:10:36

I have name changed for this because I do come here quite often but this is just too raw and personnel.
I asked DH to leave earlier last year ( March ) when I couldn't tolerate him using the Internet to visit porn sites/ web chat rooms and flirting explicitly with ow online to include live web cam.It hurt me too much .I was adamant he left and tbh it was the icing on the cake of others problems.
We have 4 dc, 2 independant and 2 younger .
Followed months of him begging me to have him back .
He sent me long well thought out texts, songs sent flowers. he really tried and he apologised and promised to change . Tbh I actually didn't hear him. I didn't read his texts that well as I was preoccupied with a massive amount of commitments and felt confident in my decision. I settled dd2 into uni, helped her raise money and go volunteering in the third world, settle ds into new high school and dd3 into her first school. I drove two hours a day doing the school runs and then had to change my job role to a differrent department so I could drop my on call and weekend commitments . I learnt like others to manage on 4 hours sleep and check my tyre pressures ! I seemed to have not one hint of regret which is supriseing after 25 years together . I only remembered the bad times and was selfishly excited about new beginnings . I did initially meltdown about the virtual infidelity btw . I spent 2 weeks in total shock and despair and felt so betrayed .
I knew if and when he got a gf it would hurt me .
I also knew he would soon get one as tbh he is a very attractive man with a good job nice car and very kind . he told me many times I would want him back when he got a gf and was actively looking for one from what he said.
After about 3 months of pleading with me to come back it all stopped . He seemed to accept things saw the dc very regularly and was pleasant .
Christmas Day he upped and left the dinner table and had to go . To cut the story I knew that moment he was off to see a gf and no amount of pleading from his dc was going to stop him.
He told dd2 during a heated discussion two days later that yes he did have a gf and was going to tell us after Christmas. he had know her 3 months .
All I can say is that I felt like my entire world had fallen apart .
I realised in a split second that this was more than omg I don't want you but neither do I want anyone else to, this was absolute and utter meltdown,despair I hurt so much I can't describe it.
I selfishly cried, I mean really cried mostly for three or four days .
I cannot imagine not growing old with him or fulfilling all our future dreams.
I knew on Christmas Day I had made a mistake just before I even found out about the ow. I had never woken up on Christmas morning since I was 18 without him and we shared some magical Christmas memories .
I suppose I've asked for this .
I'm just really struggling . I can't ever imagine not feeling this pain all the time. deep down I know it will lessen. I think all last week because my grown up dc where here I allowed myself to cry all day so has prob done me good this week to have to look after younger dc.
I can't eat , can't sleep and when I do I wake up with my heart racing and wish I hadn't woken up to remember .
I know I have to move on and hope that Mumsnet might help me along the way.
I've asked him if we can make a go in a very undignified sobbing way and he says no. I think this ow has made him feel amazing when he was so low. He seems smitten .
He says even if it doesn't work out he doesn't love me now just cares for me.
I know it's only a weeny chance but I let myself imagine she ends it and he realises like I have that a marriage can be worked at . 27 years is worth fighting for and I know for a fact I would do anything for him and wish I had been there for him . he was probably depressed or stressed at work when the online stuff became a bit of an addiction and rather than be repulsed I should have been more understanding .
Is there anyone else who has been through similar after such a long relationship ?
I can guess he met this girl online does it count as a rebound relationship even though we were separated . I cannot get the thought of him making love to another person out of my head and he seems all confident now and says she makes him happy .
Please any advice or getting through these days would be very appreciated .
Is there any advice on statistics of their relationship ending and him wanting to come home ?
Sorry it's so long.
Thank you for listening x

whatnow2 Wed 07-Jan-15 01:01:00

using the Internet to visit porn sites/ web chat rooms and flirting explicitly with ow online to include live web cam

Dear throughthestorm I don't think that you should have been more understanding because he was probably depressed. I think his actions were disrespectful and tantamount to infidelity.

I am sorry you are in such emotional pain and hope people come along (better qualified than me) with words of wisdom soon.

I think 26 years is a long time and separation is a massive shock to the system which has to be worked through. If you had stayed together, do you think you could ever have trusted your h given his online behaviour?

Lots of flowers for you.

SelfLoathing Wed 07-Jan-15 01:03:18

To resist 3 months of pleading, you must have been pretty certain it was over.

Are you really sure this isn't a dog in the manger reaction? Really sure? REALLY SURE?

My guess is that if you'd met someone else in that time who you were into you wouldn't be reacting like this.

NorthLDNgal Wed 07-Jan-15 01:12:00

I don't think making excuses for his online behaviour is the right way to justify him finding someone else. You felt sure you were doing the right thing by leaving him and not wanting to be hurt by him anymore. Now he is with someone else you're letting him have that power over you again.

It's a horrible feeling knowing that someone you've been so close to for so long is in an intimate relationship with someone else, but if it's clear that the relationship wasn't in a good place - him not respecting you enough is a clear sign - then you have to trust that you have done the right thing for yourself and saved yourself lots of unhappiness.

It may not feel like it now but eventually the pain will ease. It's not easy I know.

NickiFury Wed 07-Jan-15 01:15:05

My ex H was an abusive cheating arsehole. I couldn't have been more sure it was over. However when he told me was remarrying it was like a knife to the heart. I realise now it was the bottled up grief and anger from how he had treated me. Not only that but now he had moved on, the dynamic between us changed FOR THE BETTER and I was finally able to acknowledge my real feelings rather than suppressing them for the sake of the dc and "friendship". I think yours is a perfectly natural even expected reaction. It WILL pass but as they say " the only way past it is through it". You ARE better off without him, deep down you know this.

Jan45 Wed 07-Jan-15 14:16:32

No, no, there is no understanding to be had when he was going behind your back, in your home seeking out and indulging in sexual activities online with OW - that in itself is enough to never look back.

No offence but if you had stayed he might even have up and left at some point as clearly he can't remain faithful.

You've lost nothing, you can only gain from now on in, don't waste your time thinking of what might have been, he broke it, it's not repairable and why should it be........keep strong, keep busy, keep your friends close and just remember, this is a man you can never TRUST.

newyear15 Wed 07-Jan-15 14:21:45

My ex did similar. My ex may have a GF but he isn't happy. I am much happier single. You do need to mourn your future - but don't mourn him. You can be happy again and it doesn't have to include him. All she has got is an unfaithful man who has no respect for women - you have a blank canvas of a future ahead. Be kind to yourself.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 07-Jan-15 14:29:11

I don't think you have made a mistake.
He would still be trying if he loved you, even if it took forever.
The memories of xmas past would make you feel like this though, you don't go through 26 years without good memories at family times.

You too have moved on and xmas was just that, not a normal part of the year.
I think you are doing fine and should be proud of what you have accomplished during your time apart from him.

Be kind to yourself and remember what it was he did to make you want him to leave. That was no way to treat you at all.
You are worth better than that.

Throughthestorm Fri 09-Jan-15 11:11:28

Thank you for all your replies.
Well I saw him yesterday and knew from looking into his eyes that he means it when he says he doesn't want to try again.
He said he was 98% sure.
I asked him that if he changed his mind in 3 months or 6 months please not to tell me because I honestly could never go through this again.
I knew when we parted for the first time really that I had faced up to a future without him.
I then understood how everybody says you will do it once you accept it yourself and move on.
I cried like ive never cried before .
I realise that there is a fair chance he in a rebound relationship and that spastically he will want to return to me at some point.esp after 26 years . The trouble is I asked him if he had any hesitation whatsoever that he should take a bit of time before continuing with ow. I said if she is the one she will still be there when we are divorced . I could tell he wasn't listening.
I know can see that I can do this.
I am so scared tho.
All my confidence has gone-I got up again throughout the night checking things from the wind to the sockets !
Anyway-we will remain friends we have to after 26 years and 4 dc,and we will always care deeply for one another, but I am going to distance myself.
I am going to stop allowing myself the dream that he will come back and we will grow old together.
I am going to stop checking my phone/facebook ect every 5 mins and put the time into being with the dc.
I am going to eat !
I must reduce my drinking .
I am going to put bitter thoughts away as much as possible-- like that we wont have huge childcare fees for the first time in 20 years next year and we were going to buy our forever home !!
I do worry that I might turn into some bitter ex who obsesses about his every move ! I am going to make a point of not asking family friends ect of his movements.
And if in a year he wants to try again I will be in a better place to make a decision !! As someone said on here this is not about winning him back ----I am the prize !
Wish I could feel this positive all the time x

DayLillie Fri 09-Jan-15 11:23:26

I think from what you say of his internet activity before he left, it was just a short step to finding a girl friend online, so only to be expected (and he may have done this if you had not asked him to leave anyway)

You are bound to have good memories as well as bad, over 26 years. You have spent a lot of time dealing with the bad, and the good need dealing with too. I have seen on here before that it takes 1 month for every year. You are well on the way!

Fontella Fri 09-Jan-15 11:30:43

Throughthestorm there is a wonderful thread running on the forum at the moment - which I think could help you a great deal.

If you haven't already seen, it it is here:

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Jan-15 11:32:22

"Please any advice or getting through these days would be very appreciated "

I'm sorry you've had such a terrible shock and been so badly let down. Take comfort in friends and family. Look after yourself and try to keep yourself occupied. You can't speed up the grief or get rid of the pain unfortunately. All you can do is get through each day best you can until you start to feel more able to cope. It's a slow process with a lot of highs and lows but it does happen.

"Is there any advice on statistics of their relationship ending and him wanting to come home ?"

I don't know any statistics but I would say 'be careful what you wish for'. When in a state of panic and shock, you naturally believe that what would make everything better is for him to come back and everything to return to how it was before. I have to tell you from personal experience that them walking back through the door is much, much harder than you may appreciate. Once the relief wears off and calm is restored, the reality is heartbreakingly not what it was before.

So I'm sorry it has ended this way and I hope you're OK.

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