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Could you be with someone thats cheated in the past?

(70 Posts)
AQuestionForYou Tue 06-Jan-15 22:42:46

Just that really. I've been with a guy for about 9 months. Its bothered me all this time that a week before his wedding to his ex he got oral sex from someone else. Only recently did I find out that his ex found out because the woman told her, not because he did. It also seems that he denied it at the start and dismissed it as rumours.

I'm not completely in the clear, when I was a teenager I kissed another, it wasn't planned, I was very young, in an abusive relationship and wasn't ever going to marry the horrible guy so it feels slightly different considering he arranged this meet up, was late 20's and had been with this woman for 4 years. His excuse was that they generally cheated on each other and it became a bit of an eye for an eye situation. But hey, maybe its not that different really.

Has anyone here had a successful, faithful relationship with someone with a history of cheating?

AnyFucker Tue 06-Jan-15 22:44:18

I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole

Trickytricky Tue 06-Jan-15 22:47:24

I'd always be suspicious he was cheating. Don't think I could do it.

WinterShivers Tue 06-Jan-15 22:48:16

Someone with a "history" of cheating never stops cheating!

Bluetonic123 Tue 06-Jan-15 22:49:36

I can see why it could cause an issue but think of it this way. Cheating is very common and a lot of it goes undetected. The only way that you would know someone had cheated in the past is if they are honest enough to tell you. The ones you don't know about because they are happy to lie to you about it are the ones you really have to watch.

Reekypear Tue 06-Jan-15 22:50:11

Run.

Anyone who can be so blasé about cheating is not for you.

I do find it hard to understand people who cheat on partners and then stay together cope, what makes that person so special to that they won't get cheated on.

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes Tue 06-Jan-15 22:50:31

Cheating is one thing, cheating a week before the wedding is an entirely new level of scumbag.

So, no he wouldn't make the cut for a quick drink let alone anything else.

dirtybadger Tue 06-Jan-15 22:53:11

Nope. Not that anyway. I would consider "I was drunk and kissed someone else early in a relationship, in my twenties" but not "fucked her over just before the wedding and hoped I'd get away with it". hmm

Bluetonic123 Tue 06-Jan-15 22:54:45

Cheating a week before your wedding is particularly shitty though.

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes Tue 06-Jan-15 22:57:33

Also not everyone cheats Blue.

It's a pretty depressing worldview that implies those who haven't cheated just haven't been caught yet.

trukevoli Tue 06-Jan-15 22:58:11

I believe, yes you can be with someone who has cheated but only if you feel they love you enough to never do it and you have that level of trust

if there is doubt in your mind you will always hold something back or let suspicion get the better of you.

anyone can cheat and it is very easy to hide it. you have to decide if he loves you enough not to do it.

anything you say or do will not change his actions.

AmantesSuntAmentes Tue 06-Jan-15 23:14:54

The only way that you would know someone had cheated in the past is if they are honest enough to tell you. The ones you don't know about because they are happy to lie to you about it are the ones you really have to watch.

Unless they double bluff, as was my experience! He told me he had cheated on his last gf. That he'd never, ever do it again and felt horrific over the hurt he'd caused, blah, blah, blah.

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, such was his (apparent) remorse and (apparent) regret.

Then, a few years in, he cheated on me. I found out subsequently, that he had cheated on everyone he'd ever been with!

Selfish little man bratt!

The other vehemently opposed cheats and cheating and 'would never do so because it was what had ended his parents marriage'.

He cheated on me when I was a month from my edd, with our child. I subsequently found out that he and his ex had repeatedly cheated upon each other.

Never again.

The only lesson I have learned is to be cynical and to dig the dirt before committing, rather than after they've done the same to you!

AmantesSuntAmentes Tue 06-Jan-15 23:17:11

....because if they have a pattern, they will repeat it.

jessmay Tue 06-Jan-15 23:22:25

No way. They tell you that you are special and they love you more but it;s not about that. Back then they "loved" that other person too. They are capable of lying and being sly and doing shitty things and they will do it to you EVENTUALLY.

elsabelle Tue 06-Jan-15 23:31:45

I have to agree with Amantes and Jessmay. I've learned from bitter experience that even if they say "I'd never do that to you / that's all in the past when I was young and stupid / you're the one" etc, if they've done to previous partners they WILL do it to you. People don't tend to fundamentally change who they really are (in my opinion). Sorry OP.

Lovingfreedom Tue 06-Jan-15 23:50:17

What AF said....I would possibly have a bit more respect for him if he had had the decency to call the wedding off after the blow job.

iwashappy Tue 06-Jan-15 23:59:26

My husband cheated on his first wife. He lied to me about why they had split up and I didn't know until recently after we had been married for 25 years and he cheated on me.

He had been seeing the woman who became his first wife since they were teenagers so if he had been honest with me all those years ago and said that he had cheated because he had been too young to settle down I would probably have naively believed that he wouldn't do it again as I thought he was sincere and decent and that he maybe made a mistake.

However, having found out that he has cheated on me numerous times throughout our marriage I would say that in most cases if you have cheated once then you will do it again if an opportunity presents itself that interests you.

I am sure some people must just cheat once, ONS mainly, then feel that guilty that they don't do it again. But generally I would suspect that if you are prepared to do something to your partner that would devastate them then that person clearly puts their own selfish needs ahead of their partner and will probably continue to do so.

iwashappy Wed 07-Jan-15 00:02:27

I meant to add cheating a week before your wedding is pretty dreadful to put it mildly.

Heyho111 Wed 07-Jan-15 00:02:56

People can be different. Just because you do something once does not mean you'll repeat it. The problem is you'll never know if the person your with will be different. If you want to continue with the relationship your going to have to draw a line under it. If you can't do that you'll have to finish it.

TinklyLittleLaugh Wed 07-Jan-15 00:07:10

I cheated on my ex with DH: I'm not proud of it. But that was over 20 years ago, I would never cheat on DH.

noitsbecky Wed 07-Jan-15 00:11:08

There are different types of cheating.

I shagged an ex whilst seeing someone new, on one occasion, when I was 19 and still infatuated with him. To suggest I am 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is ridiculous - considering the subsequent monogamy in my life, that has lasted over a decade.

However, I would never trust someone who had had an extended affair behind a serious partner's back. That shows a fundamental lack of respect in a way that the first instance I mentioned does not.

Lovingfreedom Wed 07-Jan-15 00:16:28

I find it implausible that shagging around was acceptable in the relationship and therefore a plausible 'excuse'. I think he's lying...and that is present day lying not just in his dark, dingy past.

plinkyplonks Wed 07-Jan-15 00:19:48

Nope, nope, and more nope :/ Once a cheater, always a cheater in my experience.

pippahooper Wed 07-Jan-15 00:21:58

Yep cheating a week before his wedding is a bad sign. Not sure i could totally trust someone like that x

WinterShivers Wed 07-Jan-15 00:21:59

Exactly plinkyplonks!

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