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Please Help... A woman really opening her heart up about her broodiness(37 Posts)
I don't normally do these forum things but things have got to a point of where I am crying out for help.
I know a lot of women experience extreme broodiness but I want to give my experience and hope that those who have worked on how to deal with it can help me.
I feel I need to give a good background about me to fully explain this. I am 24 and have a good job, funnily enough I am a sonographer and so scanning pregnant women is a huge part of my life. However it was before this that I started experiencing severe depression due to broodiness. I have dealt with it since I was about 17.
At the age of 19 I fell pregnant accidentally and although my partner at the time (who was in his early 30s) didn't want to keep it, I did. Unfortunately I suffered a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks and the loss of the baby drove me to complete despair and what was already not a particularly healthy relationship broke down even further.
In hindsight the miscarriage was a blessing in disguise because I went on to be able to complete my studies and have a good career and also meet someone who is truly amazing to me.
I have been with my partner a mere year but we have already discussed our hopes for our future together and we can genuinely see marrying each other at some point and having children. We have had an incredibly difficult year and together have been through what most couples would have not even dealt with five years down the line. He has finished his degree and started his masters in law in the hope to get a training contract at a london law firm. But even more difficult this year has been the loss of my father who was 86.
I always knew that my father would not be around for a huge part of my life and so I was always scared to lose him and I think this has contributed to my need to start a family. To top things off both my partner and I are living away from each other (me in my mother's house and him at his parents till he can afford to move here). I am still living with my mother because she has cancer, and unfortunately they do not know how much longer she has left.
I feel like my family is dwindling into nothing rather rapidly. The only other member of my family I really have is my half brother who is 20 years older than I.
All these factors I believe have contributed greatly to my extreme need of having a child. My partner knows this and is sympathetic but he does not want children with me now. It's understandable, it's only been a year of us being together and he is trying to build his career. He says we are only young and should enjoy being so, but I can't. He doesn't understand how much it tears me up inside despite seeing how it reduces me to tears. This is a frequent occurrence and admittedly it does most of the time align up with my cycles. He won't shift on when we may start to try to have children and I am acutely aware that I will have at least four more years until we start trying and it's another four years of feeling crushed month after month...
Have you considered going for counselling to help you deal with your feelings? I do think it could help you.
I know it's easy for me to say but the the perspective of a 41 year old you are very young. Even if you give it 4 years you will still be younger than average for a first baby. It is so important to have a baby with the right partner. Don't risk pushing your partner away with this issue. You are going through a really had stage with facing loss and I think you need to focus on this and reflect on how this is driving this impatience for a baby.
My heart goes out to you. I know you will not want to hear this - but you are very young and should be enjoying life as a twenty something. I second counselling as life is short and it is so important to enjoy the here and now, rather than wasting time longing for the future. It will be here soon enough, believe me. perhaps you can talk to your partner about realistic time frames for a baby, and then attempt to park your feelings and have fun now. This will sustain you when you are living through the sleepless nights and sheer bloody hard work that is having a baby (along with the joy).
I am sorry for the loss of your father. I agree, I think you should try having some counselling. I hope this helps and I hope you and your partner can live together soon.
I have had counselling pretty much every year since I was 17 and I have even recently tried anti depressants to help with my PMT but unfortunately none of them have agreed. I know that I am technically young but what doesn't help is that a lot of my patients are about my age. And also that I see women who are in their early 30s struggling to conceive and being that I know all about it from a medical point of view I get rather paranoid that I will too have problems by waiting. I know that probably seems irrational. I also don't feel young anymore because of everything I have had to deal with. It's aged me a lot. I had to take over my fathers care because my mother ended up in hospital with pneumonia the same time he was fighting for his life.
And I am scared that i will push my partner away and that would be devistating because he has been the rock for me this past year
There's a lot more going on here and you've channeled it all into wanting a child. Having a child will be lovely for you but it's not going to fill the gap you have and it's not healthy to expect it to either. That's a lot of pressure to put on one little being. I agree with other posters who say you need to get some counselling, enjoy your youth and build a lovely relationship and home with your chap so you can make it a nest when the time is right.
I am aware that I am coming across a little immature when writing on here. It's hard to convey everything without going into vast amounts of detail.
I know deep down it is not the right time. I want to be able to have fun first. I just seem to really struggle to let this go and maybe I give the counsellors the wrong impression when I talk to them. I am very honest about how I feel to them or what is happening in my life but they all seem to believe I am coping rather well.. Which majority of the time I am but then I suddenly hit rock bottom again....
What's the basis for his 4 year limit on this? Just curious as I'm a lawyer myself. Is it a year to finish the masters, a year for LPC and two years for training contract? In theory I don't see a reason why he couldn't have a child while still a trainee - he should be on a decent salary and as a man his work would not particularly be disrupted by time off if he just took a couple of weeks of paternity.
However I agree you are still young and still have plenty of time and should try not to panic about this.
I do think you sound depressed - and it's not surprising when you have had a lot of losses in a short time - I'm a lot older and I still haven't had to care for an elderly parent or lose one altogether. No wonder you are not bouncing around and enjoying travelling/living it large. It sounds as if you have not had a break from grief in years.
I think it's a compliment to your partner that you are feeling so broody now - in a stable, nurturing relationship, of course you want to bring a child into it. I think if your partner were even neutral about this, I would say just go ahead and work on getting pregnant. I can't really say that when he is so against. What will happen in four years - is that when he expects to be in a training contract? I hate to say it, but in four years if he hasn't yet managed to get into one, will he say of course we must extend it? Is this a time deadline or about when condition X is fulfilled? I just don't want you to be counting the days down when he may be thinking differently.
I'm afraid I do think it is reasonable on his part to say that you need to wait for a while, but I wonder if it needs to be four years. If he is looking for a job after his masters and you take maternity leave, you would actually be much more mobile all of a sudden and able to up sticks and go where the work is with him. That would mean you could aim to get pregnant about nine months before his masters ends? Does it HAVE to be London? If he is going to have children young (and since he wants to be with you, that's what is going to happen), it would be more financially viable to go somewhere cheaper? I know a lot of the training jobs are in London but surely not all of them?
He is on track to get into the next intake of training contracts that would start in 2017 as I believe they intake two years in advance and he knows that we would probably be starting a family whilst he was training.
The four years was a kind of agreement because I said to him I really would want to have a child before 30 incase I had any problems and he understood that and that I would therefore probably want to start trying when I am about 28.
He is adamant that he does not want children earlier. He hasn't had any money or time to enjoy his life so far because university and law school has left him with none and he wants to be able to have some fun first like go on a couple of big holidays together before we have kids that would restrict us from doing so or eat into our finances. I think part of the problem is career wise I am ahead of him. I am already in a senior role and he is still struggling to make ends meet.
He adamantly does not want kids now and feels he has compromised with me as much as he can...
It sounds like since a young age you thought about the fact your dad was older than average when you were born and you have known he would not be with you for quite some part of your life.
You probably don't want this to be the case with your child and have a need to be a Mum early.
The problem is your partner does not have that urge.
Can you rationalise your desire, tell yourself you will still be young in 4, 5, 6 years? Or can you not?
I don't think you're coming across as immature at all. I worry that if you keep pushing this guy he's going to lose patience. He's made it clear he does want children and that he's happy to do that in four years time. I wish I'd had four years with my partner before we had to ttc - we met at 36 so time wasn't so luxuriously on our side. When I was in my 20s I was similarily broody and had been told it was unlikely I'd ever conceive without medical help. I psi he'd and pushed and eventually my partner, with hindsight quite rightly, buggered off. If this is the right guy for you, you need to reign it in. You WILL have a family and four years is a lovely amount of time to really cement your bond so your child has a safe home.
That has pretty much hit it on the head as to another big reason I don't want to leave it late because of what I have had to deal with being the child of older parents....
You don't sound immature.
You sound like someone in the depths of grief trying to make sense of an unfair world.
And pp are right...you are young. Your fertility window is still wide.
I would suggest bereavement counselling as your broodiness seems to have increased since your fathers death.
I am sorry for your loss x
But 28 is not old! You are desperate to make a family to replace your own loss. I get that. But you will push your partner - who is actually there, actually your family - away. Please calm down about this. You have a partner. It was the lack of one of those until late in life (by which I mean 38-40) which was the root cause of infertility in most of my childless friends
Maybe a specialist bereavement counsellor would help... I appreciate all of your comments.
I don't want to push my partner away he means the world to me and has helped me through a lot. I just wish I knew how to rein it in and just deal with it...
For the majority of my marriage my DH and I were not on the same page about wanting a family. He wanted children from about the age of 30. I didn't. It isn't something you can compromise on. We wasted a good 10 years of what could have been a happy relationship miserable and resenting each other. We now have a dd and a ds on the way, but I am despite all the heart ache and misery over it glad I waited until I was ready. I would have felt trapped younger. Babies change your life, irreversibly. You have to be open to the changes not to resent them.
Don't push your partner. If 4 years is his limit, respect that. It doesn't matter one iota whether it would be feasible given his career schedule to start a family earlier, he isn't ready. Pressure and tears are unfair, almost blackmail, and he could be forgiven for walking away.
At 28 fertility really isn't going to be an issue, unless you have underlying issues in which case age is irrelevant anyway. I had my first at 40, I am now 42 and due my second very soon. Your general health is a better indicator than age imo.
Hi magurndy I really sympathise with your post. I'm your age and incredibly broody - in fact I started a thread about it today. We have different circumstances but I wanted to reply to you. As others have said, I really think you should wait - though it's so difficult, especially given your job! Having a baby is definitely not something you want to do without your partner on board. Far too many of my friends have done that and it's not ended well.
I think you (and I) need to remember that 28 is still quite young. I too don't feel young at 24, for different reasons but I appreciate what you mean and how you feel. For me, age isn't really the main factor in considering whether to have a child, but rather maturity and individual circumstances. If you've never lived together, I'd definitely say you should before you even consider ttc. Being with someone and living with someone is vastly different and it's taken DP and I a good while to get used to it and fully enjoy it, I can't imagine bringing a newborn / pregnancy hormones into that mix too.
As far as 4 years is concerned, nobody can truly say how they'll feel in a years time, let alone 4. You may find when your DP starts his training he'll feel more comfortable with ttc meaning you've only another two years to wait. Try to remind yourself you've waited 7 years already. I was broody at a really young age. DP and I very nearly started ttc about 2 years ago but I'm so glad now looking back that we didn't. I'm sure when you finally make it to the point where you're both happy to ttc, it'll be even more worth it.
Also don't give up on antidepressants. It took me years to find the right one / right dose before I got back on an even keel. I'm not saying anti depressants are definitely the way to go, maybe they won't help you, but it's definitely worth considering. And I agree with what's been said about counselling. Sometimes it takes a while to find a counsellor we can really relate to. I have to admit I've seen several and I've yet to find one I fully gel with, perhaps that's just what happened for you when you tried previously?
Thank you for response. You are right. I know I shouldn't have kids now. I just struggle to control the need and accepting the circumstances. I have tried a couple of different ones the latest made me so drowsy and hungover the next couple of days I could barely function and I didn't feel safe doing my job. At some point I will try half a dose and if that still has problems I will go back and try something else
Sorry you're having it tough
As a medical professional you will know that fertility doesn't take a big slide until average age 37.
Your partner sounds lovely - and sensible. 4 years is no time. Why not set yourself another career goal you want to attain in that time? Or a savings pot that allows you something you want, like a year of maternity leave, or extended career break? Or other non work related goal that would be hard post baby. Give YOU a reason to benefit from the 4 year wait.
But the real focus has to be ADs and counselling, and finding your balance there.
As each cycle is a trigger to upset you, and the PMT doesn't help either, could you consider long term contraception to reduce that? Injection perhaps, might get rid of your periods for a year, or running contraceptive pill packs back to back?
I have tried almost every form of contraceptive as well and believe it or not it made everything worse. The extra oestrogen in the combined pills made me weepy and depressed and progesterone makes me suffer anxiety. I'm kinda stuck in a rut
Don't mess with your medication dose without talking to your doctor, hey? A half dose might not be appropriate, and if your depression gets worse that's not going to help you deal with this.
Some good advice on here. Your baby is worth waiting for and I'm sure you'll be a lovely mum. You have a lot on your plate...could you try thinking of dealing with the things you are going through as important baby preparation? Some people take folic acid to prepare, other people have emotional stuff to deal with that will be important to you. I'm ten years older than you and ideally earlier may have been better but DH wasn't ready. It's really nice to be giving it a go knowing he is genuinely on board. I think it's hard when someone is telling you NO though. For PMT I highly recommend starflower oil and evening primrose tablets - £3 from Wilkos.
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