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Massive argument with DP :(

(20 Posts)
Hurr1cane Tue 06-Jan-15 17:50:13

We never argue.

We don't live together because of circumstances (mainly mine with a severely disabled child and his unsociable working hours) but have been together for years and are usually partners in everything else.

This week he has loads of time off work after having nine at all all over December. Unfortunately I have to run a support group and have a social services visit (for direct payments) , and DS only went back to school today, so I only had today to do the whole massive post christmas clean and will have no time to really clean before the SS visit from now. (Obviously a quick sweep and Hoover but not much)

Anyway I told him all this and told him he would be able to have some alone time in the week because I'd be busy and anyway we are doing something all weekend so me and DS would see him loads then anyway.

So, anyway, he text me today and said he had got up early so he could pick up DS from school, sweet of him I thought so I said I was taking DS out for tea because I didn't want to make a mess in the house and offered to pay for him to come and he agreed.

Lovely so far.

But when we got back he walked through the house with his wet shoes on, I asked him to take them off and he said no, I said I've cleaned and won't have more time I really don't want a mess and he said "I fucking hate it while you're like this!" I said I know (I have OCD and anxiety disorder and when everything is normal I'm ok but when we are having visitors, particularly social services, even though they're only the disability team, it does get a bit out of hand, but that's why I warned him to be fair)

Anyway he carried on wearing his shoes and I said "please take them off DP" and he said "there's no point because I'm going" so I just said ok, and he walked out.

Now it is probably for the best he went anyway, I didn't expect him, there's nowhere to sit because I've wet vacced the sofas, and I'm a nightmare in this mode, but now I just feel terrible that we have argued and he has left on a bad note.

I think this is the first argument we have had for about 2 years! We never argue at all, and I just want to make it ok again. I'm aware it was a ridiculous argument as well, over nothing.

Also I just feel really upset and I have no one except DP and DS because I can't really socialise due to DSs complex and high needs so I can't even have a moan at anyone about it just have to sit here smiling and playing with DS like everything is normal.

Shall I text him now and apologise, although part of me thinks he could have just taken off his shoes, but part of me thinks I do go a bit clean crazy when visitors are imminent (even though it's twice a year max really) and I do turn into a totally different person when I do.

It's just stupid. I wish I could just control it and I usually can, it's just when someone's going to visit that I seem to see every tiny spec of invisible dirt and convince myself that they'll see it too and think I'm unclean.

Bruiserbereftofsoftness Tue 06-Jan-15 17:53:51

Ahh you're stressed out I'm sure he will be fine about it smile

HansieLove Tue 06-Jan-15 17:54:44

I'm going to zero in on part of this. we take shoes off. why track outside dirt in? some do and some don't the shoe thing. but you asked and he did not do it, he kept walking around in his wet shoes just to be stubborn. screw him.

lemisscared Tue 06-Jan-15 17:57:09

I think he was a bit mean but he said that he doesn't like it when you are like this, which implies that you do this often?

I suffer from anxiety disorder and can be ocd about things although not cleaning. It is difficult for people to understand, however he shoudl have recognised that you were anxious due to the SS visit and took his bloody shoes off.

I don't think you should apologise, he knew you were anxious so he should have been more supportive. Just leave him, tbh you both need to hold your hands up and apologise a bit.

Hurr1cane Tue 06-Jan-15 17:59:01

He is quite stubborn, but to be fair he doesn't like to take his shoes off because he has a problem with smelly feet, and his shoes were new, it was me mostly I think.

Anyway I called him and he just said he can't deal with me like that because he feels dead uncomfortable but he's not fallen out with me, he sounded annoyed though sad

Argh! When these visits finish and I only have to deal with DSs PA who I've known years I'll be happy. My friend says the visit tomorrow is only to show me the result of panel as well which I know anyway and will take all of 5 minutes. There's no need for me to make sure the inside of all my cupboards sparkle for it but I just can't help it

Bruiserbereftofsoftness Tue 06-Jan-15 18:00:27

He likely feels a knob for being stubborn and pushing your buttons.
Ignore the row and maybe text about the impending visit just to remind him.

Hurr1cane Tue 06-Jan-15 18:01:14

Lemis I'm exactly the same. Usually my house has to be clean but when someone visits I just seem to see dirt everywhere and I can't cope at all. It's no fun

Hurr1cane Tue 06-Jan-15 18:04:21

I'm with DS now upstairs playing games so he doesn't mess up downstairs where the visitors will be grin

ImperialBlether Tue 06-Jan-15 18:09:25

I think he sounds a bit of a knob, tbh. Who goes into someone else's newly cleaned home and refuses to take their shoes off?

However, I think you might need to seek help for yourself, aside of this. It sounds as though your life is very stressful at times and you are trying to control that by trying to control your environment. It must make you feel frantic at times.

You could also perhaps try talking to the people who visit you about your child - I know I cleaned the house from top to bottom when I was expecting a midwife visit years ago and she said her own home wouldn't bear scrutiny and there was no way she was interested in clean skirting boards, just whether a person needed some help in coping.

Are there any social workers, community midwives or district nurses here on MN who could give some advice to the OP on this?

CaffeLatteIceCream Tue 06-Jan-15 18:19:59

Ah, come on....not a "massive argument", eh? Probably feels that way because a) you are already stressed and b) the pair of you rarely argue at all.

Deep breath, cup of tea, all will be fine.

Good luck with the SS visit smile

Hurr1cane Tue 06-Jan-15 18:21:32

Thanks imperial. We very very rarely have people visiting that I don't know well anyway, it's only because I've asked for direct payments that they've come once before to assess needs, once soon to go through the decision and then someone else coming once to go over the forms and the rules etc, then I won't have to stress until next time grin

I've always been a bit like this since I was a child, and when I had DS I went ridiculous, his toys had to be lined up in a certain way every night and I thought I was going crazy one night because I spent an hour trying to get them perfect and rang the health visitor to say I had gone insane for sure.

I'm loads better these days, it's just visitors who I don't know

magoria Tue 06-Jan-15 18:27:56

Personally I think walking wet shoes through someone else's house shows a shitty lack of respect for their time (that they have already had to clean it and will have to re do it) and their property.

Buy him a pair of slippers so he can keep his stinky feet to himself in them without keeping his shoes on.

ImperialBlether Tue 06-Jan-15 18:39:47

Did you get any help then, OP? What did the health visitor do?

Hurr1cane Tue 06-Jan-15 18:51:33

Not really she just explained what it was and gave me a leaflet haha. That was 8 years ago now though

Nanny0gg Wed 07-Jan-15 00:13:22

It's your home and you should have it how you like it. If he comes around fairly frequently then have a pair of slippers for him (this is what we do when we visit DiL).

He was very rude to ignore your wishes, especially as you had good reason for them. And if you really can't help it, then that's even worse.

Joysmum Wed 07-Jan-15 00:26:09

That's not a massive argument confused

Hurr1cane Wed 07-Jan-15 03:34:03

It is for us, we never ever argue, so fit me yes it is.

Jux Wed 07-Jan-15 03:52:19

He was doing it deliberately, and in full knowledge of why you were stressed about it, as well as how hard you had worked to get everything clean. I don't think you have anything at all to apologise for. I hope you get a very expensive apology present from him.

GoatsDoRoam Wed 07-Jan-15 07:49:26

I wonder if this is just a situation where your 2 insecurities collided? You say he has "a problem with smelly feet". Maybe he was just feeling self-conscious about this, and therefore wanted to keep his shoes on, while you were pushing for shoes off, because the cleanliness of your house was what was currently causing you stress.

I don't see why else he would have been so rude and stubborn about it. (because, OCD or not, your request was pretty valid!)

Hurr1cane Wed 07-Jan-15 10:00:29

Yeah I think they just collided to be fair on him. Also he's lovely but he just doesn't have the same hygiene standards as I do, so he really doesn't see the problem.

Once DS was in hospital for a week and I was in with him unable to go home so he looked after my house and cats and to be fair I could see how he has tried to clean but it was minging and I had to go through the house with the bleach before I went to bed grin

It's sorted now I just wish I wasn't so obsessive about it.

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