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relationship breakdown after miscarriage

(7 Posts)
seewhathappens Tue 06-Jan-15 17:30:02

I didn't know where to post.
My partner and I are on the verge of a break up. We had a miscarriage at 11weeks before Xmas after a year of trying. Now, he's decided he doesn't want to try again. I admit, I talked him into it (ttc) in the first place, but since the miscarriage. I've realised that the road to kids isn't always as easy as I naively thought it would be, I don't want to push him anymore.
He says he doesn't know what he wants, but I think deep down we both know that he doesn't want kids. I would like to at least try, but not with someone who is not sure. I am 36 and he is 40 btw.

PoppyField Tue 06-Jan-15 17:40:46

Hi,

I am really sorry for your loss. A miscarriage is a horrible thing to go through and you probably need some time to come to terms with it.

The road to kids is often difficult and you do need a partner who is on board. We never know what is down the line - having a child can change everything - but it would be good to have someone who wants to be on your parenting team and maybe your partner just isn't.

I would take time to re-group, and then have a serious discussion. If you would like to have children, then that need/desire is not going to fade away as you head towards 40 - it will more likely get stronger. You need to tell your partner that you really want to have children, so it is crunch time. Give him the information and he needs to decide quite soon - because you have a time deadline here - whether he wants to stay with you and ttc or whether you would be better splitting up and finding someone who wants to be a parent with you.

There've been several threads on this board from women whose partners have strung them along for years about whether they are ready to have kids and before they know it, it's too late. Not too late for the blokes though. Your partner might decide when he's 50 that he's ready for children - that choice is not open to you.

It sounds harsh - especially when you have had such a hard time just a few days ago - but that is what you are facing.

Be honest - that's all you can be. Good luck.

p.s. miscarriage is extremely common. Don't feel that just because you have had one that you are necessarily prone to miscarriage. You are probably quite capable of carrying a pregnancy to term. Doctors only start investigating when you've had two or three.

p.p.s. Don't panic. Lots of people have their first child past 40!

OhMjh Tue 06-Jan-15 17:42:40

I'm sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine what that was like for you flowers

I think you need to ask yourself how important having children is to you and if it's a deal breaker, as it seems clear your DP does not see having children in his life other than doing so for you, which, if you did have a child, could lead to resentment on his behalf later in life. No one should have children if they don't want them, but I can empathise - it would be a deal breaker for me as being a mother is the only thing I have wanted to do in life.

You haven't mentioned what your relationship is like otherwise, is it a good one? Could you see yourself with him long term, even if it meant no children?

seewhathappens Tue 06-Jan-15 18:58:26

Thank you both for your replies.
We've had a conversation where I told him that he needs to decide for sure, but I don't think the pressure is going to make the decision easier for him, and I can't see what will make him not have doubts, if that makes sense. If he told me tomorrow that he wants to ttc, think, it would take some convincing from him that it he isn't just doing it for me.
I think it is a deal breaker for me to be honest. But I am also worried about leaving him and then feeling pressured to find someone else who is not only right for me but also wants a family.
Our relationship has suffered because of this, we have been together around 3 years. We discussed children quite early on in the relationship, so we knew that we didn't quite see eye to eye but I was vague about wanting to have kids, and he was vague about not wanting to have them so I suppose we both thought that it would work out. The recent pregnancy and miscarriage seems to have made me more determined and scared him off.
If I'm honest, I don't think I can see a future with us if we don't at least try. Maybe if after a few years of trying and failing I could accept no children, but at this stage, I am not ready to give up yet.

PoppyField Tue 06-Jan-15 21:52:54

Good luck OP. It's a real tough one. Especially as your loss is so recent, and I can imagine that you are both dealing with grief in different ways - that in itself can be very isolating.

Are you getting other RL support from family and friends or a therapist? Would be handy. I had a late miscarriage once and it is a terrible blow. Don't feel you have to minimise it or 'get over it' in a set time.

heyday Wed 07-Jan-15 04:15:21

Sorry for your loss.
Could it be that ttc and having a child has begun to dominate your relationship a bit and it has now, even sub consciously, put so much pressure on you both? Perhaps to the detriment of your relationship together?
If he really does not want children, obviously you need to know but perhaps he is quite blasé about it but for you it is much more important.
It might be time to sit down and try to work through your feelings together. Once you have started to come to terms with your loss perhaps you should just work on your relationship together, try to enjoy each other's company and have a bit of fun together without the pressure of conceiving. If you find that you are generally still happy together then perhaps he can begin to come around to the idea of having a family. He may also be quite scared of how emotional this journey is becoming and is trying to avoid the pressure and heartache of trying for a family.
You need to work out if you still love each other and are there for each other before you can really discuss whether to have children together.
I truly hope that somehow it all works out for you.

seewhathappens Wed 07-Jan-15 12:52:54

Thank you PoppyField and heydey, it means a lot to be able to talk on here. I don't really have much rl support at the moment. I didn't feel able to discuss the pregnancy or miscarriage with my family, partly because they have been through a lot recently and I didn't want to put extra stress on them, but also because I just don't have that kind of relationship with them unfortunately. A few friends know about the mc but I haven't really spoken about the strain it's having on our relationship. I have found it hard to talk to friends so I do feel a bit alone.
DP and I had another chat last night and he is feeling like he is stringing me along. I don't feel he has been because it was my choice to stay with him, but it is becoming clear that we don't want the same things.
I've always thought that I would have a family in my future and for the first time, I feel like I may have to face the reality of that it might not happen. It's a strange feeling because I didn't realise until now, how much of a focus it has been for me. Now I am staring at an empty future, and I genuinely don't know what to do now.
I feel like I need to focus on something else, like a career or something but I don't know what.

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