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Odd photos on DH's camera

(51 Posts)
Toastandstrawberryjam Tue 06-Jan-15 12:36:06

Before starting this I will say that I know the obvious thing to do is ask DH! But with a long history of EA and gaslighting I would like to get a few opinions on whether or not I am seeing something odd when it's easily explained.

Whilst looking at photos on DHs camera yesterday I across 3 ones that I'm a bit unsure of. The only times the camera is used is for Christmas/Birthdays at home or DHs work So the memory card was full of Christmas and then lots of dull work shots. Until one that was of a woman pretending to hide behind a tree. Nothing else in the shot. Then a few work shots later there she was strolling along the road and laughing. Then the next of the back view of her as she walked down some steps. At first I thought it must be somebody he worked with, although I've never seen other photos of his colleagues (work photos are architecture etc), but then I realised she was very casually dressed which would be a no no in his office. So now I'm confused. I could ask him but there have been a few instance in the past (texts years ago) that he twisted until I felt I was the one in the wrong, so I need to be more sure of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Jan-15 12:39:34

If there's a long history of emotional abuse and gaslighting, and if he'd twist anything you said and make you think you're in the wrong, what does it really matter what's on his camera? He's an unpleasant shit... if he's screwing around it shouldn't come as any surprise.

Sorry you're in an abusive relationship and that your self-confidence is so low. Hope you find a way out of it soon

No, I wouldn't suggest you ask him about the photos.

I'd suggest that the photos, plus the EA, gaslighting and history of texting other women (presume that's what you mean by the texts from years ago), would be more than adequate reason to call time on the relationship.

Toastandstrawberryjam Tue 06-Jan-15 12:40:55

I am on my way out, slowly. But I would just like to know if there's a simple answer to this that I'm missing!!

CatsClaus Tue 06-Jan-15 12:42:40

what are the dates on the photos? You can usually get that info from the camera, or from the photo if you download them to a computer/laptop

where was he on those dates?

Toastandstrawberryjam Tue 06-Jan-15 12:42:53

The texts were two that I found years apart. On his phone basically saying "I miss you xxxxx" and the other "can't wait to see you". Both explained away by him at the time. But I've never really believed it was a wrong number.

Toastandstrawberryjam Tue 06-Jan-15 12:44:01

On the date of the photo he was at work in the location he said (other photos back that up). But I can't remember if it was when he was home late or stayed away.

MrsCosmopilite Tue 06-Jan-15 12:44:34

It may be that there is a reasonable explanation but from what you say, it's not likely.

Can you copy the photos off the camera and get the time/date? If so, you can match those to the 'story'. If the situation is as bad as you say, the photos may do a disappearing act and you'll be quizzed on it until you doubt yourself.

Hope you're able to make the break soon.

ScrambledSmegs Tue 06-Jan-15 12:47:02

There is a simple explanation. He's cheating - and not for the first time, it seems.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. Are you ok?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Jan-15 12:47:21

FFS... if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. Why are you only on your way out 'slowly'? Why isn't he on the toe of your boot?

Toastandstrawberryjam Tue 06-Jan-15 13:06:30

Have now found another one where the woman is chatting to somebody who might be one of his colleagues, but it's at a distance so can't really tell. It's just odd because she isn't dressed professionally or acting that way either. Hiding behind a tree??

And yes I'm aware I should have gone. It's all taking far too long for me to do so.

And yes I'm ok, I think I'm just hopeful that this is the proof I need. Have taken a photo of the photo as I'm not sure how else to save it. It's safe on my phone now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Jan-15 13:17:21

Why is it taking so long to get rid of this guy? What's standing in your way? You mention years went by between these allegedly mistaken texts. Meanwhile you're subjected to emotional abuse and gaslighting. If you complain you're told you're not right in the head (I'm guessing) and made to feel like a fool..... Why do you need the 'proof' of some inconclusive photo of a woman behind a tree?

InfinitySeven Tue 06-Jan-15 13:22:34

You'll never work out why she's there. She could have been a temp, who misunderstood the dress code, or she could have been meeting someone at the office for lunch, or she could just be a randomer.

Regardless, your husband was either taking covert photos of her from behind, or they have probably had some type of affair. Combined with the texts and gaslighting, there really is nothing to save here.

He's got you exactly where he wants you doubting whether you should go. Do it. You'll feel much better for it.

Toastandstrawberryjam Tue 06-Jan-15 13:26:59

It's taking a long time because it took me a long time to realise. Plus I've tried to make it work, tried to stay for the DC, tried because I was told it was my fault it wasn't working. I'm not making excuses but I do think that women who come from very messed up families and marry young sometimes take a very long time to actually realise their marriage isn't a "normal" one. It takes a long time to understand gaslighting because if it's done well it's hard to realise it's being done.

She could be a temp I guess but there's just a level of familiarity to that hiding behind the tree photo. It's the kind of thing I might take of my DC but he isn't the type to take jokey photos like that.

ImperialBlether Tue 06-Jan-15 13:36:21

I think it sounds like your husband is taking photos of women without their knowledge or permission. Do these photos show anything explicit, eg a skirt raised by the wind? There are some really horrible voyeur websites around full of photos of unsuspecting women.

Toastandstrawberryjam Tue 06-Jan-15 13:38:38

It's the same woman in all, and no the tree photo is definitely a posed one as is the one of her walking down the street and waving at him! And she's in leggings and a jumper so nothing revealing.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 06-Jan-15 13:39:12

You realise now that your treatment of you at his hands is wrong on so many, many levels. Now you have to put that knowledge to proper use.

The photos are really a red herring and a distraction. Trying to find out why these photos are on his camera will drive you mad and you do not need further proof of his inherent abusive treatment of you. (She is likely to be just one of his many girlfriends and those photos were taken in that context. Such men hate women, all of them and tend to use them only for their own ends).

Better to focus and maintain your energies instead on getting out of this abusive relationship - and asap to boot. Getting out slowly for you is just causing you yet more untold anguish. Do you really want your children to think and believe that your marriage is an example they should emulate as adults as well?.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 06-Jan-15 13:40:19

If she's huding behind the tree and laughing towards the camera that doesn't sound covert at all? Sounds like fairly normal couply pictures of a walk somewhere..

The only bit that makes it sound less dodgy is her talking to a colleague of his, surely he wouldn't bring a random girlfriend on a work trip where others are there?

I agree with PPs though OP, this is a side issue really, you're on the track to getting rid and that's great flowers

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Jan-15 13:40:26

"It takes a long time to understand gaslighting because if it's done well it's hard to realise it's being done."

I realise abusive relationships are very difficult to get away from. I also realise that manipulative men like your husband deliberately exploit 'women who come from messed up families and marry young'. There are places that can help you get yourself and your DCs away from this behaviour. Your photo is not really 'proof' of anything. Your unhappiness and lack of confidence, however, is evidence that you are being crushed.

Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. If all you do is talk through your experience, it may give you strength

Toastandstrawberryjam Tue 06-Jan-15 13:43:03

Really the issue of whether to leave him isn't the one at hand here. Like I say I am sorting that.

I just wanted to know whether somebody would point out an obvious explanation to the photos I haven't thought of. When I confronted about the texts years ago I was in a totally different headspace to now. I was desperate to save my marriage then.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Jan-15 13:50:50

Do you think you need proof in order to divorce him?

Vivacia Tue 06-Jan-15 13:53:44

I can not imagine my DP having such photos, of a woman I don't recognise.

WipsGlitter Tue 06-Jan-15 13:54:47

Well what sort of explanation?

Someone else used his camera?

He was messing about with her (I used to have a job where we always had to get photos processed and so there were always two or three of us messing about to use up the roll - oby this is digital so not the same)

I don't think it means an affair but what sort of explanation are you looking for?

Toastandstrawberryjam Tue 06-Jan-15 13:59:30

No I don't need proof to divorce him. But for me this would be a chance to have a reason. It's very difficult walking away from a man everyone sees as pretty perfect!!

Yes he could say somebody else used his camera. Can't see him allowing that though he's very precious with it. But he could use that excuse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Jan-15 14:01:45

Why do people see him as perfect? Why would they think a photo of a woman behind a tree made him imperfect? Don't think it's much of a plan, sorry....

You don't need to convince anyone else that this man is a shit. You know he's a shit. You can divorce him simply because you've had enough. If you leave him and others are scratching their heads... that's their problem, not yours. Plenty of marriages don't work out. You don't have to give chapter and verse why.

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