Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Oh shit. It's happened! Now what?

(10 Posts)
D0oinMeCleanin Tue 06-Jan-15 02:37:50

I was watching a film earlier with the girls. Side boob was shown shock Dd1 announced "That girl is rude, she is showing her boobies" Of course my MN approved answer was "Boobs aren't rude, they are for feeding babies, men just think they are rude because they have none and they want some"

Dd2 then announced "But some boys have boobies and want two daughters but they don't have them. Sisters aren't rude though" sad

I've tried explaining that it is okay to love her dad even if dd1 and I don't, she is adamant that she will not love a man who is "mean" to her sister and mum and says nasty things about them to her.

Both DD1 and I have both told her we do not care what he thinks or says about us and we will always love dd2, no matter what. She doesn't care. If he doesn't love dd1, he does not love her and she does not love him sad

For background they last saw/spoke to him on the 26th Dec. He's supposed to take them dancing tomorrow but because the location has changed I've nicely explained that he can't be arsed to make the extra effort his work won't allow him to leave early to take them and he needs to work so much to pay for his alcoholism their hobbies, but I will do my best to get them there myself.

DD2 wants to see him again when "He is like a real dad, like in Snow White" (we were watching Once Upon a Time on Netflix)

PotteringAlong Tue 06-Jan-15 02:49:04

If you have none of the other risk Factors (not smokers etc) I'd be inclined to let him sleep on his front I think.

PotteringAlong Tue 06-Jan-15 02:49:46

Aagh! Epic wrong thread posting fail blush

D0oinMeCleanin Tue 06-Jan-15 02:51:35

No worries. I have had worse epic posting fails myself grin

Oh POttering, that is HILARIOUS!!! gringringrin

Sorry D0oin.
I think your DD2 is making her own mind up, and that's ok for her to do as well. If she is showing solidarity with you and DD1, then let her. She will always remember that you said it was ok for her to love her Dad, but she must also be allowed to choose whether or not she wants to. She probably still does, somewhere deep down, but she's sounding somewhat disappointed and probably disgusted with him as well.

Let's face it, your H deserves it really, doesn't he. sad

And, you know what? it's great that she feels safe to make her own mind up, and chooses not to love someone who treats the others in her family badly - that makes me think she's on the right track for the rest of her life! No point in loving people who are mean to her, or to her family. Hopefully that will keep her safe in the future. smile

D0oinMeCleanin Tue 06-Jan-15 03:26:45

Thanks Thumb.

I just hope I am doing/saying the right things.

I've always tried to make it clear that their relationship with their father will neither please nor displease me, in fact at times I've asked (neigh begged in dd1's case) for them to think kindly of him and stay with him so I can have a night out (but also tried to make undertones that other arrangements can be made and their presence is not a hindrance)

Dd1 has more often than not asked me to stay with me (thus changing my plans) or opted for alternative arrangements. D2 has, up until tonight, always opted to be with him, but then messaged dd1 to ask us to come and get her.

I try to be impartial, I really do. I just prey that they won't hold their decisions against me in the future. He does not deserve them, otoh they both deserve a father who loves them, I just don't believe that is him.

Sounds to me like you're doing exactly the right thing, D0oin - encouraging but not forcing, and allowing them to choose for themselves, supporting them in their choices but letting them know that the other choice would be ok as well.

Shame their father is such a dropkick, eh?

D0oinMeCleanin Tue 06-Jan-15 14:21:50

He certainly and is and he deserves this it's just sad for dd2, she tried so hard with him. We only moved a few blocks away, if she hadn't seen him for a while she'd call down, until he started calling me to her for allowing her to just pop down the street without knowing if he was in.

The only time he's contacted me since the 26th is to tell me when he can't see them and what he can't do for them, no mention of when he can see them or what he can help with. He hasn't contacted the girls at all despite dd1 having her own phone.

When I told them he was no longer able to take them to dancing and that they needed to wear the uniform if they wanted to keep going dd2 told me "That's okay, I am sure one of our Grandads will take us. They always do things a daddy would do for us" which is true, my grandad and my dad have been more of a father to the girls since we left than ex ever has.

Thumbwitch Tue 06-Jan-15 14:34:20

Your DD2 has her head screwed on the right way, that's for sure. Glad you have your Dad and Grandad near to help out too, how lovely! smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now