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having sex too soon

(26 Posts)
ImTakingTheEssence Mon 05-Jan-15 23:55:18

Im 25 a single mum and have been for the past two years. I recently got back in touch with a man I know whos in his 40s. He is very flirty and im attracted to him but he reminds me of my father and I can't shake that feeling off.
We've arranged to go on a date but im worried hes to old. I've never been with an older man and don't know what to expect. In past relationships ive slept with guys to soon and I cant seem to break the habit. I worry about getting close and have sex straight away because getting attached and going on date after date scares me. So then its only ever about sex. I feel like I might do the same again and ruin something because I think thats all men want from me.

dirtybadger Tue 06-Jan-15 00:10:17

You have a few potential problems.

1. Don't go on a date if you're not even that keen on the prospect of dating him. It would be kinder to decide how you feel about the age gap first, or as early as possible, in case feelings develop on either side.

2. Don't have sex if you don't want to. Maybe make plans for the early evening or set an alarm at a certain time to tell you to leave. You can do it!

3. If you do want to...do it! Men who see women as "giving up" too quickly are pigs you don't want anyway. And they're probably the sort of pigs who'd pursue you for 8 dates to "win the prize" then ditch you. Decent guys don't judge you (umm...because they had sex quickly too!). I've never waited longer than a second date (and those were rare cases) and they haven't all immediately ditched me. Some men like there's no weird coy game playing about it all.

3. Why do you think they don't progress (the relationships)? Because you have sex quickly and they're arses and don't want more...or because after you've had sex you put up barriers (so you don't get attaches) which probably result in mixed messages. They aren't mind readers.
Both explanations seem possible.

dirtybadger Tue 06-Jan-15 00:10:57

Oh so there's a bonus 3 which of course should be a 4....

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 06-Jan-15 00:14:01

I totally agree with dirtybadger on pints 1 and 2.

A fail-proof way though is not to shave your legs on a date. It should stop you from going further.

I've had a little wine so maybe not the best to advise on this but you are not obliged to date him let alone sleep with him.

HelenaDove Tue 06-Jan-15 00:14:23

I cant better what dirty said. Men who judge you for having sex with them too soon are misogynists with Madonna/whore complexes.

HelenaDove Tue 06-Jan-15 00:16:17

If a bloke made a comment about me being in between leg waxes he or i would be outta there like shit through a goose.

Lovingfreedom Tue 06-Jan-15 00:16:29

That not shaving legs thing isn't 100% foolproof....just saying wink

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 06-Jan-15 00:16:49

Oh dear!! Just re-read my post - pints?? I meant points.

Having read point/s 3, I agree with all of dirtybadger's points.

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 06-Jan-15 00:17:39

Lovingfreedom - I was being slightly polite. Perhaps don't wax the bikini then wink

McSqueezy Tue 06-Jan-15 00:25:48

Personally, I think dating a man in his 40's when you're only 25 could be troublesome. I've been there, and have found that men this age are often very set in their ways, and the generation gap can mean it is difficult to find common ground. That said, you have nothing to lose by going on a single date and getting a feel of what he is about.

As for sex, my own opinion is that a man who is genuinely interested in getting to know you, will not be all over you after only a few dates. I'm certainly not old fashioned with my views, but from my own experience the best relationships begin with a 'friendship' - - building a relationship around lust/sex often leads to failure.

ImTakingTheEssence Tue 06-Jan-15 00:35:32

I dunno why I do it I know dating will lead to sex eventually, so I just get it over with.

Yep dirty and helena I never see it that way that there having sex straight away and they dont care.

We live right beside the beach so he suggested a walk in daylight no sex there!
Or the pictures and drinks
Or coming to mine. And watching a film and getting some food which im a bit oh no! about.

I wont shave thats a fantastic idea.

Cabrinha Tue 06-Jan-15 00:36:10

I agree with the others on the point that there is no too soon.
And that not waxing doesn't stop anything grin

But I'm curious why you want to date someone about 20 years older than you!

I know there are plenty of people on here with age gaps, and it's all fine... But honestly, I'm hmm
Call me judgemental (I am being!) but is his interest in you your trophy age, rather than your personality?
I am sure your personality is well worth dating flowers but I'm a cynical old trout so a bit hmm about his age / motives.

ImTakingTheEssence Tue 06-Jan-15 00:40:53

I met him originally when I was 18 and didnt really see him in that light. We just got on really well so its not like a first date as I feel I know him we just lost touch. So dont really know where to go from here.

ImTakingTheEssence Tue 06-Jan-15 00:45:42

Ive always liked older men just never really acted on it.
I dated someone I met through work when I was 21 and he was 28 and I thought that was a huge age gap.

Mom2K Tue 06-Jan-15 00:50:56

My only concern is why you are going to go on a date with this man if he makes you think of your father or feels father-like to you!

Some people are ok with large age gaps, others aren't. But if you're already feeling like this is an odd situation and you're not comfortable with it, I'd just not pursue it.

NeedABumChange Tue 06-Jan-15 00:52:03

Nothing wrong with an age gap but a lot wrong with an age gap and the fact he reminds you of your dad! That just seems that he is too "old" not in age but in spirit.

Also I didn't shave for the same reason on my first date with boyf. He still got me into his bed- me wearing his boxers I should point out and they didn't come off for a lot more dates but he did stroke my hairy legs so that doesn't always work.

ImTakingTheEssence Tue 06-Jan-15 00:57:37

Its the same mannerisms, hair colour, skin. "The ginger gene" theres no nice way to put thay sorry.
Then again i think my dad looks like Ian Beale but my family dont see that. Maybe its just me and my eyes.

ImTakingTheEssence Tue 06-Jan-15 01:00:18

I dont fancy Ian Beale just for the record hmm

dirtybadger Tue 06-Jan-15 01:02:45

He looks like your dad? Oh hell no.

ImTakingTheEssence Tue 06-Jan-15 01:06:23

A wee bit. confused

Cabrinha Tue 06-Jan-15 01:10:59

Just as I'm hmm about a man in his 40s being interested in dating you and thinking it is your age over "you" that's the attraction, so I am hmm about you saying you fancy older men. Anyone can have a type, but I think there's a danger that you are also attracted to his age more than "him".

UpNorthAgain Tue 06-Jan-15 07:04:37

IME, men couldn't care less whether your bits are shaved or waxed if they think there's a chance of sex, so don't rely on that for abstinence. They really don't care about grooming as much as women do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Jan-15 07:41:56

In your shoes OP I'd be less concerned about sex too soon and more concerned that you're dating too soon. You sound like you lack confidence and that's potentially going to put you in the path of someone who will exploit you. If you don't like the idea of dating a man that reminds you of your father, for example, don't take it any further. You may have been single for two years and I'm sure you're feeling lonely but set the bar high and work on your confidence. There are a lot of grubby old men out there.....

loveareadingthanks Tue 06-Jan-15 09:18:02

'I don't fancy Ian Beale just for the record'

OP, I like you, you are funny and clever and have so much to offer the right person. Don't be in a rush to find the right person, you are only 25.

This man
If he's a dead ringer for your Dad, then yes, I can see it's going to be offputting. If it's just that he's ginger, what's wrong with that? I was delighted to discover DP had the ginger - all the men I love most in the world , Dad, brother, son, are all ginger and it was like a sign to me that he was one of us.

Age - age gap relationships can work but they do have their challenges. My ex was 16 years older than me and it didn't make any real difference at first. But 10 years down the line, it did. I'm late 40s and he is now early 60s and changing. The thought of being an active 65 year old with an 81 year old in the future was difficult, let alone an active 75 year old tied down with a 91 year old. As you get older, it gets worse. That may sound shallow to some, but it is going to effect your lifestyle considerably. You can't share an active retirement together. At 25 I don't suppose you are thinking of these things, but look at 70 year olds around you and how they live. Most now are still quite 'young' and able to do all the things they want to do.

ImTakingTheEssence Tue 06-Jan-15 09:36:47

Thankyou love flowers I feel a lot better reading your post. grin

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