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How does he still have a hold over me?

(8 Posts)
DrainedAgain Mon 05-Jan-15 17:42:59

In the past wk my partner of 11 years has left twice, the first time was when I woke up at 8.30am to him steaming drunk, he decided out of nowhere to give me a load of abuse, to which I never retaliated to as my 4 yr old DD was with me. I was adamant he wasn't coming back, then on New yrs Eve, because I didn't message HIM to say Happy new yr, he called me in tears to say I didn't care about him etc! Anyway his nephew kept calling me to ask if he could come back to mine with him (I was out) and because I'd had a drink I said yes. That was that then, he was back. Last night I asked him to leave for no reason, we hadn't argued really, I just love it when he's not here (he usually works away for a fortnight at a time) and comes back for a few days which I could handle. Prior to all this he has called me the most vicious names you could dream of, he's a complete control freak, doesn't like me going out anywhere, but it's ok for him to do so, the names he's called me my daughter has heard in the past and it pains me to say I have had him back each time. I'm not saying I'm a saint but I have given him so much love for him to give me nothing in return, he's never really shown he loves me, apart from telling me he does. I have honestly done everything for that man, but he's chipped away at me over the years to the point I now don't ever want to look at him again, but of course I have to for our daughter. I don't love him like I once did, but there is something that keeps letting him come back, I just don't know what anymore. I don't really know why I'm posting in here, it's my first time, I just don't know what to do anymore, I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask?

Anacoreta Mon 05-Jan-15 17:55:03

Well, you are not going to be happy until you decide what you really want and are prepared to fight for it. And that it may be leaving this troublesome relationship and start afresh. Or perhaps

I really don't want to be harsh but please do not jump in the "I stayed because we have children". You know that growing up in an environment that is full of abuse is not good for any child. If he is that bad, make it a commitment to leave for the sake of your DD's happiness. You really don't want her to grow up thinking that such behaviours are what is to be expected from a man in a relationship.

As for doing everything for the man.... Well, in my humble experience, it is important no to sacrifice so much for them, otherwise they take you for granted and then the inconsiderate behaviours set in. If you are doing far more than him in the relationship, it may be time to consider backing off a bit.

Justwanttomoveon Mon 05-Jan-15 18:08:59

I think you are asking how you can stop allowing him to worm his way back in. The first thing is to have as little contact as possible, text or email only, these types of men will know how to act and what to say and do to 'get back in'. Their behaviour doesn't change long term, write down all the things he has done and said to you and every time you feel your resolve loosening make sure you look at the list. I think you know he isn't going to change and therefore YOU have to (I mean this in regards to how you interact with him to avoid letting him back).
If you feel yourself weakening then post on here, you will get so much support.
And agree with pp who said that to think of the effect it's having on your dd.
We only get one life, don't waste it on a selfish controlling man, you deserve someone who adds something positive to your life.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 05-Jan-15 18:16:37

What sort of relationship example is being modelled here to your child?.
Would you want her as an adult to be with someone like this, you're teaching her currently that this is acceptable to you on some level.

You will never be happy so long as this person is in your life in any shape or form. Maybe you let him come back over and over because you think that this time he will finally step up properly and or change for the better. Such men though never do.

People who use controlling behaviours against others are abusive people by their very nature. This is all about power and control. If you were to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft it could well help you too.

DrainedAgain Mon 05-Jan-15 18:19:05

Anacoreta and justwanttomoveon , I completely agree, the last thing I want is for my DD to have the same sort of relationship I have. I don't know how he does it, he just seems to work his way back in (pretty easily) and he is that bad the majority of the time (especially when he's had a drink) surely if he loved me he would do everything possible to make me happy, as I have him. His mind just doesn't seem to work the way mine does. I give up.

DrainedAgain Mon 05-Jan-15 18:22:46

Thanks Attilla, I may look that book up, it's time to call it a day once and for all. I've been on anti depressants the past couple of months for anxiety, and have now developed psoriasis which can be caused by stress although I don't actually feel stressed, it could be for any reason that I'm on the anxiety tablets but everyone seems to think it's because of him.

GoatsDoRoam Mon 05-Jan-15 18:46:31

The important question is: how do I stop allowing him back? For that, you need to go No Contact. Choose ONE method of contact regarding contact with DD (ideally through a third party, really), and stick to that. When he comes for contact, it's doorstop handover: he doesn't come in your house.

No phoning, texting, emailing, social media: block him from all of those except the one number/address you keep for contact regarding DD. And do not respond to his threats, pleading, etc. This is the hard bit: he will be a master at knowing how to get you to engage. You just need to be strong and not engage, however tempting it is to set him right, or whatever. (don't bother trying: nothing you say will influence his thinking).

It's going cold turkey from an addiction: hard at first, but with time becomes natural, and helps you gain distance and perspective on your situation.

DrainedAgain Mon 05-Jan-15 19:16:23

GoatsDoRoam thankyou for the advice, it really does help hearing other people's perspectives on the situation, I'm just in a rut, I suppose it's become a "normal" way of living to me, although I know it's not normal. All advice is greatly appreciated.

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