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Need help - how can I stop feeling so insecure and threataning to break up? :(

(30 Posts)
girltalk12 Mon 05-Jan-15 15:23:27

My DP and I have been together for 3 years. We have lived togehter (currently do not live togehter due to a temporary job, but this will change again very soon).

My DP is extremely insecure about me speaking/talking to other men. I have never cheated on him and never would. However, he deals with this insecurity better than I do with mine. I am not insecure about him cheating, but I feel the need to constantly 'test' out the strength ofmy relationship by seeing if he will agree when I say I want to end it.

I know this sounds awful, and that is why I have come here for advice. My insecurity has increased recently with the move apart. My DP's mother is very against our relatinshop, as she has been with anyone my DP has ever been involved with. From a mature perspective, I know that it is not about me, but anytime anyting is said, I panic, go into defense mode and say maybe we should end things.

I have done this since day one, but it has been an almsot daily occurance now. I can't seem to stop it. It's like I need the confirmation that he still wnats me.

Briefly, I should add that my partner isby no means an angel - he can act very selfishly, and this can upset me, but I know he is a good man and the way I behave when I am insecure is not proportionate to nay selfish behaviour of his.

I am left feeling ashamed, guilty, sick and pathetic each time I do it. It has got to the point where today he says he feels drained by it and 'one time I may actually want to and he wont believe me.' I know all this is true, and now he hasn't answered my calls this afternoon.

I know I am in the wrong here, so please be kind. I am a good person and I would do anythign formy DP, and I love him a lot. I just don't know how to stop this. It is such an immature way to behave and we are both in our very late twneties. I don't want my life to be like this, it makes me feel worthless as well as what it does to both of us sad

gamerchick Mon 05-Jan-15 15:30:38

You like him to beg you to stay with him and it's just a test?

He has more patience than me. How often do you do it?

You recognise it and next time you need to reign it in and not do it. Sorry I don't know what else to say.

It maybe it's time to split.

gamerchick Mon 05-Jan-15 15:31:18

What does he do for you to retaliate in that way?

GoatsDoRoam Mon 05-Jan-15 15:34:08

This relationship sounds very unhealthy.

Your own insecurities are all over the place, and you are aware of this.

However, this rings HUGE alarm bells: "My DP is extremely insecure about me speaking/talking to other men."

Men like this are very bad news, OP.
I know you are trying to correct your own behaviour, and that is completely to your credit. But. I am concerned that you are blaming yourself so much, and not picking up this gigantic red flag that your boyfriend is waving.

A relationship with this much instability, volatility and insecurity in it may be one that you are better walking away from. How does that statement make you feel?

girltalk12 Mon 05-Jan-15 15:36:24

Well recently it has come out him lying about certain big things in our lives that I would rather not go into. I almost quit my job to take one closer to him, despite this job being temporary, only to find out he was applying for jobs elsewhee in the UK and hadn't told me (but had told his mother). He has apologised for it, we have talked it to death, and we have moved past it, but it niggles from time to time.

If I feel he doesn't want the relationship then I will say it. It has become almost habit and withotu doing it, I feel even more insecure.

Don't know what to do

girltalk12 Mon 05-Jan-15 15:40:39

GoatsDoRoam, I agree to an extent. I feel that if I had no felt so betrayed with the scenario outlined in my post above, then this would be a rarity. Instead, anyting that reminds me or makes suspicious that he is being dishonest about somethign like that again makes me feel sick, and so I do it all over again.

GoatsDoRoam Mon 05-Jan-15 15:45:33

OK, those are huge things that caused you to threaten a split. Definitely split-worthy.

However: never threaten. Either do, or do not. Threats are a manipulative tactic, if you don't mean them. Only say things that you are prepared to carry through.

FWIW, this sounds like a man for whom you should definitely carry through the threat of splitting up. Lies and dishonesty are NOT acceptable. No trust, no relationship.

You must feel very low if you are willing to stay with a man who is so selfish and dishonest with you (as well as controlling, wrt your friendships with other men). What would you need in order to realise that you deserve better than this?

girltalk12 Mon 05-Jan-15 15:48:01

I just feel so unhappy. I have not been perfect at all, but I have never lied to him, ever, about things that would affect his life and our life as a couple. I am always honest with him.

This past year we went to look at houses to buy together, only for me to see a text from his mum asking 'how was the flat viewing?' I asked what flat viewing...he had to admit he had been to look at a flat behind my back to buy alone. I have put off buying myself to wait to buy with him. He knew this.

That is only one of many similar things he has done and he swears he won;t again. I believe him. But the damage has been done it seems and I feel so shitty about it sad

GoatsDoRoam Mon 05-Jan-15 15:55:00

Sweetheart, it doesn't matter how honest you are with him: he doesn't want to be honest with you.

It doesn't matter how often you put up with his shit in the hopes that it will be the last time: there will always be a next time. And a next one. And a next one after that.

He is not a nice man.
He is not a kind boyfriend.

He lies to you. About HUGE things. He plans a whole life for himself (own flat, new job away), that excludes you. This man does not like, love, or respect you.

Please don't stick around for someone who treats you like that. Your self-esteeem is going to be worn away to nothing. And you really deserve much, much better.

Can you see that?

Goingintohibernation Mon 05-Jan-15 15:55:43

I think the reason you feel so insecure is because you know this is not a good relationship. He has repeatedly lied to you, so it is no wonder you don't feel secure. I have been guilty of doing the same in the past with DH when we first got together. The difference is it happens very very rarely, because he gives me no reason to feel insecure. He is also ridiculously patient, and knows now when to give me a hug and tell me I'm being daft.

While I am sure you are not perfect, after all, who is, I don't think the majority of the problem is with you here.

GoatsDoRoam Mon 05-Jan-15 15:59:08

I really understand what it's like to hang on to a shit relationship, hoping against hope that your partner will just change because it would be so easy for him to do so, and then everything would be lovely. I get it. But it's a vain hope. This is who he is.

You can't make him respect you. You can't make him treat you right. All you can do is look at the reality of how he does treat you, and decide if that's a good enough relationship for you to stay in.

girltalk12 Mon 05-Jan-15 16:13:39

I just feel so sick. We planned to move into a rented place recently, and at the last minute he changed his mind 4 times about it.... then when silent on me for a week. I had ordered us a sofa, changed my commute to work and nearly bought a car in order to make the move...not to mention the fact I had called round estate agents and spend hour son the internet planning it with him. His reason for not wanting to do it in the end was because he felt confused and didn't want to move to an area whee he didnt know anyone...i wouldnt have known anyone either, but he would have had freinds less than a 20 min drive away.

Following that incident, my insecurity became much worse. He then proceeded not to see me for 3 weeks as he wanted to go out for anight with his friends at the weekend (we currently live apart as I explained), and so 3 weeks turned into 4. I was so upset because he had broken my heart by going ahead with a mov ewith me then backing out last minute, and THEN didnt even come to see me/suggest I come to see him. At the same time, I later found out he had spent hours chatting to a mutual friend who had broken up with her bf of 20 years, and they had both been bitching about me being 'needy' and 'unfiar to him.' I felt so sad by it all. I've done nothing but try and make things ok for him.

I was stupid enough to let him come to my flat over Christmas for 2 weeks he had off work, and i did too. It was nice and like old times. When he left I was mega isecure and today he has told me he cant deal with that anymore. no idea where i stand sad

Baddz Mon 05-Jan-15 16:16:34

Jesus.
Just walk away!
In fact...run.

Beeblebum Mon 05-Jan-15 16:19:45

I've done this - been in a relationship with someone who I felt I had to test, who didn't share things with me all of it. I'm now in a relationship where I feel very secure, I know I'm loved, big things are talked through (like where to live, rent, move to). I'm a much happier person and much nice to be with.

Try and move on from him.

girltalk12 Mon 05-Jan-15 16:22:39

I am in floods of tears at my desk at work. He has switched his phone off/is on th ephone to other people for 'advice' I imagine.

He can't stand the fact I still feel hurt over what happened. I never did this at the very start, and it only started happening after hte fist lie he ever told me, and then got worse with each 'betrayal.' I really had forgiven him, that is the sad thing. But this... it's just all happening again. I am ready to put my all into a relationship and would love the same care and respect back. I'm clearly in the wrong now for doing this and will always blame myself. I feel sick sad

Trazzletoes Mon 05-Jan-15 16:24:18

Oh my God he sounds like a total knob. Get out while it is still relatively straightforward.

Cabrinha Mon 05-Jan-15 16:30:41

Can I be blunt?
And this is not meant to be unsympathetic...
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WITH HIM???!!!
And don't give me "but I love him" - because I'll just ask how you can love someone who lies to you.
If you feel you love him, you need to see a counsellor to work out why.

Good heavens love, you're a late 20s woman and you're crying at your desk at work because you're choosing to stay with someone who you KNOW is not committed to you and is a liar.

You nearly quit your job for him!
You're risking losing your job from being a sobbing mess.

You ARE more professional than this.
And you ARE smarter than this.

End it, for real this time, and stay away from relationships until you've worked out why you dragged this shit one out so long.

New year, new start.

Leave him to mummy.
You'll be amazed how secure you feel when you're with someone who makes you feel loved.

girltalk12 Mon 05-Jan-15 16:34:43

I don't know how sad I want to walk away because even though I was ready to giv ehim another chance, he can't seem to undertsand why i feel unsecure. If only he could understand that, I would try my best to move past this fully. Why cant he do that?

I have a good job and put everythin ginto our relationship - I genuinely would do anyting for him - I care about him so so much and know deep down he is a caring, loving person. On NYE he even spent 2 hours cleaning up my sick in the bedroom while I lay on the bed... he is a good person but I just dont get why he cant see that what he did before has made me ultra insecure. I dont get it sad

I dont want to be without him...maybe I am just scared of being alone, i dont know. All I do kno wis that i really did love him and thought he was the one. I feel so sick.

Beeblebum Mon 05-Jan-15 16:38:04

If he can't understand why you feel insecure after all the rubbish he's put you through - then I would suggest that this is never going to get any easier. It's not healthy to feel like you are feeling. And he is the problem not a solution. Get rid, move on, talk to your mates and be single for a while.

Goingintohibernation Mon 05-Jan-15 16:38:24

He is NOT a good person. Good people don't treat other people like shit, and hide their goodness deep down. They treat people well.

girltalk12 Mon 05-Jan-15 16:42:11

He does treat me well, though... he pays for meals out and tells me he loves me. He does the washing up and will talk if I have a problem at work or with a friend.

It's just with me and him, he cant seem to fully get why I feel insecure...or at least hef eels he has said sorry and it is time i moved on from it. And when I get more upset because he says that..he will then speak to his parents/friends about me and obviously they will agree that i am being ufair. I just dont get it. i want to trust him 100% because i love him and want to spend my life with him... but i needed a bit of patience from him here and a lot of honesty... i still feel insecure and lost. especialyl now he is not even speaking... maybe that's him ending it.

MyTeethAreChattering Mon 05-Jan-15 16:47:48

Doesn't matter how good he is though does it? He treats you badly over big things. He clearly isn't interested in a long term relationship with you. You are flogging a dead horse.

You can't make another person love you by putting everything into our relationship.

Dump him for real and put your everything into something with a future.

girltalk12 Mon 05-Jan-15 16:49:41

What if nobody ever loves me like he did? I feel so sad, I can't stop crying. I'm so pathetic.

I feel like thi swouldnt hav ehappene dif I had just got a grip of my own insecurity.

MyTeethAreChattering Mon 05-Jan-15 16:50:29

You are correct to feel insecure. His actions are of a man who doesn't want a long term relationship with you. It doesn't matter what he says when you threaten to leave, his actions say it all. You feel insecure in the relationship because it is insecure.

MyTeethAreChattering Mon 05-Jan-15 16:53:19

You should hope to God that no one ever loves you like he did. He has behaved appallingly to you. There are loads of good men out there who will treat you well, who you could love and who could show you true love in return.

Remember the insecurity is because you are genuinely insecure. It is a true feeling that you should not attempt to suppress. It reflects the truth of the situation.

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