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Friend affair exposed, need some advice please

(39 Posts)
mrsbluemuffin Mon 05-Jan-15 12:39:10

Hey all,

I hate myself for for the way I handled this situation. I have known a friend for a few months now. So, recently about a couple of months ago, she started having an affair with a married man. Not sure if they have slept together yet but from the texts she showed me and their pics together suggested they were closer that I thought. They have been out for coffee several times after school drop offs, he treated her for her birthday, and spend alot of time together. When she first told me that this man liked her and she likes him too, i adviced her to stay away and stop the mini dates and flirty texts. She didn't listen to me so they both carried on. His wife doesn't suspect anything from my observation but I started feeling sorry for her. She is such a lovely lady and they have 3kids together. So, fast forward the whole situation, I started resenting my friend for her behaviour because I know how it feels to find out your better half is having an affair and to make matters worse, it hurts most if its a close friend. I confided on an another friend and asked her to advice me. She didnt say much but she was shocked. Little did I know that she went and told every one from our circle of friends. I don't know what to do, but I wish id kept quiet about it. This happened a couple of day ago.

I'm stressed out because my biggest fear is that if they are confronted they are most likely going deny it and I'll look like am the liar. My friends will hate me and supposedly assume I'm just out to ruin someone's marriage.

Do you think I should speak to my friend who is having an affair and apologize talking to someone else about her affair? I'm really really confused, I hope you'll be abled to understand and help me out. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 05-Jan-15 12:46:03

If your friend is being very indiscreet and you all live on top of each other (which I'm assuming from the fact that you're in a position to 'observe') then this affair is not going to remain under wraps for long anyway.

Of course you don't tell your friend that you blabbed! Two wrongs don't make a right and besides which, you say you've only known her a few months. Easy come, easy go. Start giving her a wide berth if you can't handle her foolish behaviour.

SavoyCabbage Mon 05-Jan-15 12:48:43

If the affair is out there it's out there. It's highly unlikely that the two of them will deny it and everyone will believe them and you will look like you've made it up.

You haven't known her that long and she's already getting on your nerves so if she never speaks to you again, then so be it.

I don't know how I would feel about the second friend. You can hardly be mad at her for telling someone as you did the same thing.

Ragwort Mon 05-Jan-15 12:55:07

I would just 'shrug it off' - if you've only known this 'friend' for a few months then she is hardly a really close friend is she? She has shown you inappropriate texts/photos etc so she can't 'deny' anything to you.

I was the 'wife' in that situation many years ago and it was hard to deal with friends who tried to lie to cover up the relationship.

mrsbluemuffin Mon 05-Jan-15 12:56:03

This makes me feel 100 times better, Of course you don't tell your friend that you blabbed! Two wrongs don't make a right and besides which, you say you've only known her a few months. Easy come, easy go. Start giving her a wide berth if you can't handle her foolish behaviour. thanks cogito

I'm trying not to be mad about friend2. We're both wrong in how we handled it. But thanks for your advice savoy

mrsbluemuffin Mon 05-Jan-15 12:58:18

I'm sorry Ragwort to hear you went through that. I too been there and its very hurtful.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 05-Jan-15 13:00:04

This woman with the MM... is she in a relationship or single? Because some people can be really quite manipulative and might take advantage of the gossip-mill & tell their story in a deliberate move so that it got back to the MM's DW... forcing a split.

(Call me an old cynic ... smile )

SquirrelSwarm Mon 05-Jan-15 13:01:31

if you've only known friend a few months then she's hardly a real friend yet, is she?
I'd pull away from her.

mrsbluemuffin Mon 05-Jan-15 13:05:03

smile its ok, she is single with 3 lovely kids.. She just seemed to enjoy the attention and it got too far.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 05-Jan-15 13:07:53

Of course she does, who wouldn't? But when people you barely know tell you potentially explosive information you always have to ask yourself 'why?' You seem to know the MM and his DW (correct me if I'm wrong). Her motivation may not simply be attention-seeking but more calculating. It's been known.

mrsbluemuffin Mon 05-Jan-15 13:25:20

You are absolutely right on this, But when people you barely know tell you potentially explosive information you always have to ask yourself 'why?' I always want to be a good friend and since friend1 had been through alot in her 13yr marriage, i told her she can always talk to me. I met her at her lowest and i have been there for her and vice versa.

mrsbluemuffin Mon 05-Jan-15 13:26:48

Yes I know the MM and his DW but not that well.

MorrisZapp Mon 05-Jan-15 13:30:11

She's a very short term friend, best back out of all of this if you can. This affair will no doubt soon be front page news and you don't want to be implicated in any of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 05-Jan-15 13:33:35

You told her she can always talk to you but then you blabbed to someone else? hmm I don't call that being a good friend. That's just pumping some vulnerable woman for information.

CheeseBuster Mon 05-Jan-15 13:45:33

In your position i would find a way to tell the wife, even if it was anonymously. How hideous to think people around you know about you husbands affair before you do even if they are only vague acquaintances.

It sounds like a full blown affair, photos together on her phone, birthday treats etc. The poor wife sad

I would distance myself from your friend, you barely know her and tbh I wouldn't want to hang around someone who boasts about sleeping with someone else's husband or anything else so morally low.

mrsbluemuffin Mon 05-Jan-15 13:55:24

I totally see where you are coming from cogito . I did not manipulate her due to her vulnerability, I too just left my DH for dv, so it was a case of understanding and sharing pain and help each other to move on. But it doesn't mean I have to accept her wrongs especially after I begged her to stop it earlier on. I have been quiet about this affair for a while now and I just reached out to ask for advice.

mrsbluemuffin Mon 05-Jan-15 14:00:09

Cheese its extremely difficult to be the bearer of bad news. sad

mrsbluemuffin Mon 05-Jan-15 14:04:17

I most certainly will distance myself from her because I don't think she would forgive me either. But I would really want to say to her how difficult it was for me to constantly hear her talk about him everyday and that I'm sorry that people know. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 05-Jan-15 14:17:49

This is a sleepy dog that should have been left to lie right where it was. There's nothing you can say now - and under no circumstances should you compound your mistakes by telling the DW - that will improve anything. If you don't like her behaviour, drop her as a friend.

mrsbluemuffin Mon 05-Jan-15 14:40:19

I have to, I don't have a choice. I need to protect myself from being in such a situation again. What you said here is my problem But when people you barely know tell you potentially explosive information you always have to ask yourself 'why?

I don't know why? Is this a problem that should be addressed? if so, I need to.

Vivacia Mon 05-Jan-15 14:43:23

You could get in touch with your new friend and tell her that the third party friend knows about the affair. You know this, because she told you. Unfortunately you also think that blabbermouth has told a few other people too...

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 05-Jan-15 14:51:20

"Is this a problem that should be addressed?"

Not a problem exactly. Just a surprising lack of curiosity. If someone I hadn't known long started showing me texts and pictures of their married lover - and I can't think of the context in which that conversation would even happen - I'd quite honestly think they'd lost it. It's really inappropriate behaviour

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 05-Jan-15 14:52:59

To clarify.... the inappropriate behaviour is not the affair (although clearly it's not stellar), it's sharing such intimate personal details with someone who is not much more than a stranger. That's the bit that should get the alarm bells ringing.

mrsbluemuffin Mon 05-Jan-15 15:04:30

vivacia yes friend2 confessed via text that she told afew people.

cogito I probably suffer from some type of personality disorder of caring too much but then I don't realize what care someone expects from me. I do not want to be that person who no one can trust. I have long term friends who I trust and vice versa and I'd take a bullet for. I guess this is just a lesson for me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 05-Jan-15 15:10:51

It's not a personality disorder to make the mistake of letting someone dump on you. hmm You tried to do a nice thing but it backfired. If you've learned something about yourself or other people then it's not been a wasted experience. That's how anyone develops as a person. Next time someone tries to saddle you with their problems or make you complicit in their affair or use you as a willing audience to their ego-tripping and attention-seeking you'll handle it differently. Progress.

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