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New relationship with an older man

(23 Posts)
fuckmeblindiknowthatcat Mon 05-Jan-15 12:29:48

Bit of background, I've been divorced for nearly four years and no serious relationships during that time; just a run of dreadful dates, flings etc but fortunately a long-standing, much younger 'FB' who has kept me sane.

A few weeks ago I met a lovely guy (he's 55, I'm 42) and for the first time in ages I started experiencing butterflies in my stomach and found he was occupying my thoughts. He's handsome, funny, kind, clever, affectionate, interesting, successful and it was obvious the attraction was mutual. He asked me out on New Year's Day and we went out on a date the following day. It was a fantastic evening and the chemistry was intense but I insisted he dropped me home after a kiss and arranged to meet up on Saturday. He came round to my place on Saturday and we spent a brilliant evening talking and laughing. Inevitably things moved to the bedroom but he couldn't get an erection, tried everything but he couldn't rise to the occasion.

Tried again yesterday morning but the same thing. He said he's not had sex for 14 months and we'd drunk a fair bit the night before so I don't know whether it was down to alcohol or nerves or both. He was really embarrassed (as was I) and apologetic and before he left asked if we were still 'seeing each other' as he was worried he'd left me frustrated. I said yes.

I really don't know what to do now; I've got a horrible sinking feeling that this wasn't a one-off. I know he fancies me like mad so surely this combined with a 14-month drought we should've been at it all night? Is it normal for a 55-year old man to have this problem? My ex-husband was younger than me and my subsequent partners have been the same age or younger so am I expecting too much? I don't think he's on any medication and he's fit and healthy (ex-army).

I spoke to my friend about it yesterday, she suggested giving him two more chances and then try the little blue pills. I'm reluctant to do either - I'm 42 and shouldn't have to worry about issues like this in a fledgeling relationship when we should be at it like rabbits. If I didn't care so much about him I'd walk away without a second thought, I also don't want to be the cold bitch who dumps him because he couldn't 'get it up'.

I'm really gutted as like I mentioned earlier I suspect there's a long-term problem. I don't fall in love easily but I feel so happy and safe with him I'm reluctant to walk away. I feel like crying sad

juneau Mon 05-Jan-15 12:33:00

What makes you think this is a long-term problem - did he say something that made you think that, or perhaps not seem that surprised? I think after one night its too early to say anything and perhaps its just performance anxiety?

fuckmeblindiknowthatcat Mon 05-Jan-15 12:45:39

He just didn't seem that surprised Juneau. Maybe it was performance anxiety combined with alcohol or maybe I'm being arrogant as this has never happened to me before.

He just rang me and asked if I'd go round to his place this evening so he's obviously keen to make amends. I'm still cringing about Saturday night/Sunday morning and now I'm getting anxious about tonight!

Handywoman Mon 05-Jan-15 12:50:28

I think second-guessing about this will get you nowhere. I'd say go round tonight and if it happens again, a chat must surely be had? Hope things go better tonight...

flatbellyfella Mon 05-Jan-15 13:00:51

Stick at it & get him to go see his GP for a check up, there are lots of reasons he may have erectile issues . Don't give up on him if he is a good man in every other way.

trackrBird Mon 05-Jan-15 13:08:15

Don't take it personally. It's not at all uncommon for older men to have problems, but he needs to see a GP about it.

fuckmeblindiknowthatcat Mon 05-Jan-15 13:20:55

You're right, let's see what happens tonight. He's not short of brains or confidence but he said he's had a few 'rejections' recently which is what makes me think he's got ED. When he first mentioned the rejections I thought he meant he was knocked back for dates but the (non) events of the weekend have made me re-think things. Sorry, didn't mean to drip-feed but just thought of this.

I'd be quite happy to let things ride for a while (excuse the pun) but he's so tactile and keen to move things on to the next level. I'll not put any pressure on him this evening but if he tries and fails, yep, it'll be time for a chat sad

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons Mon 05-Jan-15 13:21:31

Ask him if it's a long term problem.

It could be:
performance anxiety/nerves
due to too much alcohol
due to a physiological problem
as a result of too much masturbating

or maybe something else.

They all sound a pain in the neck to have to deal with. You sound as though you place a high value on sex within a relationship. There's a high chance there could be problems with sex in this relationship.

beaglesaresweet Mon 05-Jan-15 13:41:05

are you looking for an LTR, OP? It's not that usua to have problems for a man of 55 purely on the basis of age, but of course when men are around 65, a very common issue. So if sex is so important to you now, it will also be when you are 52, so think about that.
If you juts want a short relationship, definitely give it another chance, even young guys can have problems if they really like someone.

Sundayplease Mon 05-Jan-15 13:50:58

This happened within a relationship I had with a man in his 50s. He had warned me in advance and explained it away by his age. However, it was definitely combined with too much alcohol as he was always half-cut. Once he said, oh I'll be fine by 4.30 (am!)

This guy seemed to accept it and said if he wasn't enough for me, then so be it.

Maybe see him more one time but tbh I would cut your losses.

AnyFucker Mon 05-Jan-15 13:51:25

no, this isn't "normal" for a man in his 50's, but of course it happens

I wouldn't write it off on account of his age

the vibe you are getting is that it isn't a "one off" so if penetrative sex is very important to you it looks like you should give it a bit longer but don't get in too deep

I would have a concern about him "being keen to move things on to the next level" whether there is erectile dysfunction or not, but especially if there is

what's the big rush, you have spent only one night together

VanitasVanitatum Mon 05-Jan-15 13:55:48

Don't be anxious about it, if that transmits to him he definitely won't be able to!

Granville72 Mon 05-Jan-15 14:06:20

I expect he's as worried about it as you are, especially if it's a new occurrence.

Maybe step back from trying for full on sex for a while. Take it steady and a step at a time. Relax and get to know one another's bodies first without having PIV sex.

The more you stress about it, the more it will stress him and less likely to happen.

skyeskyeskye Mon 05-Jan-15 14:30:32

my ex husband suffered with this in his 20's before meeting me (and again after we split up). His was purely down to nerves and once conquered, everything was ok. I was the only woman that he never had the problem with until he met OW . I have heard that my XH had hypnotherapy to help him....

I think that you need to talk to this man and find out whether or not this is an ongoing problem for him, or just something that happens initially and stops once you know each other better and the nerves have gone.

I agree that maybe you should leave off the sex for a while and spend time together and get to know each other a bit better. Take sex off the menu and if he doesn't feel under pressure, then the problem may go away.

However, if it is an ongoing problem for him and not something that you think you can deal with, then best to get out now for both your sakes.

He needs to be honest with you as to how often it happens and if it is just temporary nerves or something more than that.

Good luck.

fuckmeblindiknowthatcat Mon 05-Jan-15 15:19:35

Yes I'm looking for a LTR, I've been fairly happily single for four years and in no rush for a relationship until I found the right man (which he seems to be). Sex is a very part important part of a relationship for me along with intimacy, trust, things in common etc.

Part of the problem is my FB, he's 32 and we hook up two or three times a month for mind-blowing, chandelier-swinging sex. I'll have no problems cutting him loose in favour of a loving relationship but the difference between these guys is huge. I think this is why I'm finding the current situation so difficult.

I think I do need to relax and have an honest chat with him this evening. I don't know what the big rush is Anyfucker, just a long time since I've felt real feelings for a man confused

AnyFucker Mon 05-Jan-15 16:38:32

I meant what is the rush from his side ?

55yo is a bit long in the tooth for fast-moving infatuations, IMO

MatildaTheCat Mon 05-Jan-15 17:04:59

I doubt if sex with your new man is going to be as chandelier swingingly fabulous as with the 32 year old tbh. That's not just based on age, the two of you (you and FB) clearly have great sexual chemistry as well as the advantage of age.

The thing is that if you both decide to have sex so early into knowing one another it creates an intimacy that you don't really have. Talking to someone about sex really is deeply personal and it's unlikely he will open up properly so you can't know if it's stage fright or real ED. I suggest saying quite firmly that it's too soon for sex and you want to get to know him and have fun together first. Go on dates, talk, learn about each other. Then sex will probably happen quite naturally. You could be upfront and ask him if, honestly it is a problem he has...then, if he says yes you will have to decide where your priorities lie. If sex is so important you might not want to get so involved. Trust, IME means getting to know each other.

Good luck.

AnyFucker Mon 05-Jan-15 17:14:47

oi, Matilda, you speak for yourself wink

fuckmeblindiknowthatcat Tue 06-Jan-15 00:50:27

Hello thanks for the advice! We've had a power cut tonight and the electric's only just come back on. I've got a snuggly kitten on my knee and can barely type. Once she moves I might have more range of motion in my right hand. confused

fuckmeblindiknowthatcat Tue 06-Jan-15 01:52:36

Ok, got rid of the kittie now.

I had a chat with the new man and he assured me his parts work perfectly well. He kept reiterating he'd not had sex for a long time and lost all his confidence. I believe him but not sure I want to be the woman who coaxes him out of this. I adore him, really adore him (we had a lovely evening) so we'll just have to see what happens confused

GingerbreadPudding Tue 06-Jan-15 06:18:54

The first time me and my now husband had sex he couldn't sustain an erection and I was gutted as I'd had a partner with this before. However it turns out , to my shame, I'd been a bit to keen, he would have preferred to wait. He's never once has the problem since. So it can be a one off.

SearchingForSomething Tue 06-Jan-15 08:37:12

I'm not a big poster but thought it might reassure to share my recent experience.

I'm in my early 30s and started dating a guy the same age before Christmas. We dtd for the first time on Friday and despite him being very keen he struggled to stay hard.

I just put it down to first-time nerves; the entire 12 hours (blush) was still hugely enjoyable, and he was lovely to me, which I think counts for much more than a seamless performance.

It must be so difficult for men when they carry all the pressure. I think they deserve several opportunities over a decent amount of time before being written off!

As with everything though, you'll know in your gut what you want to do. My stbxh suffered with PE for the whole 10 years that we were together so I totally understand your reluctance to get serious with someone who may have a true chronic problem at this point.

Good luck!

Granville72 Tue 06-Jan-15 13:51:47

Does this fella know you have a FB?

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