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Dealing with guilt.....

(7 Posts)

After being with my DH for 24 years and married for 17 I left as he was quite a depressive and angry person and I couldn't bear to walk own egg shells any longer.

I thought leaving would be the hard bit......I never planned to but one day I just snapped and within 10 mins me and DS (12) had gone.

The guilt is crucifying me......I have been gone for almost 4 months now and it just gets worse and worse. DS has been awful, DH is devastated and full of remorse and one minute he is angry with me, the next he is crying.....I cannot handle what I have done to both of them but I can't go back as it would be for the wrong reasons.

DH has had a shit life, some bad things happened to him in his childhood which he only told me about nice I had left, his mum and dad are both dead and his brother who he was very close to committed suicide almost 2 years ago.

I'm not the same person anymore and I have been really depressed and drinking too much etc etc.....how can I release all this guilt, it really is killing me.

Is this normal, anyone else laden with guilt when they were the ones who chose to end their relationship?

Northumberlandlass Mon 05-Jan-15 12:22:32

Hi Betty, I ended my 18 year (12 yr marriage) last week sad I know it is still early days for me and it is all very raw.

I feel like the most horrible person in the world at the moment, I have hurt everyone.
I am already considering talking to a counselor. Have you spoken to anyone? Your GP?

I completely understand, I don't have much advice sad but I am holding your hand.

Vivacia Mon 05-Jan-15 12:41:17

I think you need to see your doctor, regarding your depression and drinking. You've had a big shock and I wonder if some of your emotion is relief. It sounds as though you did the right thing but now you need support.

Thanks Northumberland - yes very early days for you. When I first left I was really quite upbeat and everyone said it would get worse before it gets better - they were so right!

Vivacia - thank you - I have been to the doctors and am on medication for anxiety but its not really helping. I am relieved but I am riddled with guilt......i feel like I have ruined DH and DS and it makes me wobble - I know I've made the right decision but then have I ?

Northumberlandlass Mon 05-Jan-15 14:18:40

From what you have briefly said Betty, you have made the right decision. I also walked on eggshells, I couldn't tell you the last time we disagreed and I stood up for myself because I feared the outcome (not physical violence, but anger and huffy strops).
There was no affection or intimacy. We got on ok, we were friends bringing up a child. I wasn't desperately unhappy, but not happy either. I existed. There is more to life than that.

I am sure you didn't come to this decision lightly, time is a great healer (so people tell me).
Would you consider seeing a counselor?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 05-Jan-15 14:25:19

Do you have anyone around you that you can talk to and who supports your decision? Have you confided in anyone the truth of your relationship? Sought counselling (or the Freedom Programme)? Also... how is your exH communicating all of this stuff about being devastated, full of remorse, angry etc? When does he tell you this?

Emotionally abusive people don't stop being emotionally abusive once you leave them behind. Often they ramp up the pressure and some will stop at nothing to get their claws back in. They will use anything.... children, threats, guilt-tripping... if it gets them back in control. This one is already hinting that the family have suicidal tendencies. To my mind that's blatant emotional blackmail.

So please cut all contact with him. Talk to people who support you instead. Maybe get DS's school on board if he's exhibiting behavioural problems and please do seek counselling for yourself.

waitingfor3 Mon 05-Jan-15 19:07:34

I was a complete wreck after splitting with ExH. He also tried absolutely everything to get me to 'engage' with him. He would offer the world and plead, he broke the front windows in the house, he would tell me he was going to end it all, it was utterly full on, everyday was exhausting. I cut him out and out until I had a friend as a gatekeeper on emails and that was (supposed to be) his only contact. But as I shed the guilt (daily reminders from a dear friend of 'fuck the guilt, what's today's plan?') I realised it was two fold. I reacted less, grew distant and he lost his power over me. He stopped his barrage, they reduced to weekly (that was then back to when we were together), then fortnightly (around access), then it fizzled out. A few blazing return tries (which sometimes took me by surprise). I think he even still tries even now. But it's very much me ignoring him about anything apart from DC.
The sooner you can dump the guilt (you do deserve to be happy), the sooner he'll not get a 'rise' and he should learn you're not responsible for his emotional processing.
I remember my ex split up with a gf and came over all 'this wouldn't be my life if you hadn't left'. I laughed hard (in a sort of shock) relaying that to my friends. He shafted me royally during our relationship. I do feel the occaisional regret I allowed our relationship to get so bad but I do not regret that I am now happy (he appears to be too as it happens).

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