Dh has been lying to me and gambling(15 Posts)
Came out three days ago (yay - happy new year to me) that Dh has been lying to me and gambling. He's been going to casinos and playing poker and has lost £3k in five months.
The way our accounts work is we share all our money and then pay ourselves an allowance each (the same each) into our personal accounts. It is the money in this account and his overdraft that he has spent.
Thing is, we recently cleared all our debts and overdrafts when we moved house. So we took our overdrafts to zero and now his is at the limit - £3k - again. Worse, he has been lying to me - so not only did he not tell me about these casino trips (we live close to a casino and he works near one) but he actively lied by telling me he was going elsewhere and then going to the casino.)
He's had money trouble in the past - a couple of years ago when we were short of money but surviving, just, he started taking out conga fans and then not repaying them. First I found out about it was when red bill started arriving and I opened them. Confronted him. Many tears etc.
We have just about got through this and I had started to trust him again. Crazily though when we moved house a few months ago he started saying I should trust him with money again enough to let him pay the bills and manage our accounts etc. What a relief I didn't - at least I know at the moment that mortgage paid and bills ok etc.
You might think why worry if just his own allowance and overdraft but whole point was we'd be debt free post move.
So many issues:
- feel sick I was lied to like this for something so stupid as gambling. Would prefer him to be fucking his secretary to be honest
- don't want to have to mother him and take control of the money etc. want to be with someone I trust enough to look after me and do the money etc themselves or shared
- we were about to start trying for number 3. Now I don't even want him to touch me. And if we can't get through this I certainly don't want to be on my own with three children. But I always wanted three children and if we do stay together then this would be a good age gap to have
- would I ever ever be able to trust him again? feel I will now always wonder is he where he said he is. HAs he spent money he doesn't have etc.
He seems relieved to be caught and if this was the first time he'd got into money problems I may be more sympathetic. I do love him, he is a great dad and ultimately I want to be together, but I am so so so cross and disappointed and concerned we can't have a relationship without trust yet I will never trust him fully again.
He has agreed to go and see a counsellor and to go to Gamblers Anonymous meetings to see what they are like.
Sorry to splurge this all out - advice and thoughts (preferably not LTB types) appreciated also any helpful resources. And practically what should I do in case he gets worse or we split up. The salaries are paid into joint accounts (he earns much more than me) and our only savings - a £10k pot which is six months mortgage in case we lose our jobs) is in my sole name so that is safe.
What can I do to protect the house which is in both our names (he swears he has no loans, secured or otherwise) and it is just his overdraft and I think I believe him on this thought not completely and utterly.
It's an addiction he needs to go to the GP and get help for it and have no access to money or credit.
My SIL lost her house etc. to her now ExH gambling - he wasted about £300k in 5 years we reckon. He "quitted" about 3 times but in reality just got better and finding devious ways to get money to gamble, credit cards and loans despite being on a debt repayment plan etc.
OP, we are in a very similar situation except DP had no access to overdraft on his account so thankfully no debt. I was pregnant the first time I found out that £5k was gone, and £2k (£1k of which was meant to be paid to me) went when dd was just a few months old. Both lots of money were payouts ( one redundancy and the other back pay) and they just slipped through his fingers.
Like you, I felt sick to my stomach. I had been a single mum before him and had scrimped for years to save around the same amount of money he had thrown away. I cried for days. He blamed hormones :/
Our "pocket money" situation came after those events. He is repaying me out if his money so gets less than me, but he is free to spend his pocket money on gambling if he so chooses. I'm pretty sure he still does do it, but has no credit and not allowed to touch family money. I talked him through our finances ( was solely my job before) and he sees the need for every penny now.
I do feel I'm burying my head in the sand a bit.
Sorry, posted too soon.
I think you should push for the counselling- relationship AND gambling, to happen ASAP and not make any rash decisions yet.
He needs to be totally honest about how much debt he's accrued. Through bitter, bitter experience it's always more than they admit to.
Insist on him completing an online credit check and showing you the results. Probably worth doing one yourself too.
Also check for yourself his online gambling accounts.
Sorry you're going through this.
conga fans should be wonga loans. not sure how that got autocorrected
What's in this for you OP? I couldn't stand yo be with someone ZI felt IT necessary to police.
good question alpha.
He is father of my children. man I love. person I promised to be with through good times and bad. We have fun, lots in common, want to grow old with him. Which is why I feel so sick because he's jeopardised all this, and it's not like he came clean to me but I found him out and forced him to confess. Like I say, I would prefer he'd been fucking someone. Because even if we get through this and he gets counselling etc, I will never ever be able to relax about money and not worry about him squandering it ever again. And I will always have to be in charge of our finances so we'll be unequal. But you know - I don't want to be split up. a) he's my husband and aI love him b) i don't want to bring up the children by myself and c) I could't live in our house which we just bought etc by myself - I couldn't afford it and he couldn't afford to pay for us to live here and to live somewhere himself. Practically even if I did;t want to be with him, which I do, not being him would change the lives of me and our young children beyond recognition.
Agree about checking his and your credit-files. What he's disclosed is likely to be just the tip of the iceberg. A-holes like this only come clean once they've exhausted all access to credit and there's nowhere else to go.
WARNING: DO NOT give him penny of your own or family funds to clear his overdraft or pay his debts or you'll be back to where you are now before you can say "knife".
To be utterly straight and utterly practical about it, if you want to stay with him and not, by doing that, take the risk that one day you and your children will end up homeless and in debt, you will have to accept being unequal and will have to take control of all finances, and completely control his access to all monies except an allowance. And he, if he wants the privilege of living with you and his children in your family, will have to allow this.
It is shit and not what a relationship is supposed to be. But the alternative is simply you never having another peaceful night's sleep, and your children's security constantly under threat.
No access to bank accounts at all.
Things sewn up with the house so that he CANNOT use it to secure a loan (I don't know if this is possible).
You in total control, no joint accounts, him with allowance money.
How you then both deal with the hideous interpersonal situation that creates I do not know, but that is your reality, and if you ignore it I honestly think you are likely to lose everything. Counselling, GA, yes - you still can't take the risk of him having the power to gamble your assets.
I'm sorry. I can see why you'd want to stay, though. And it IS an addiction. In that sense, no, I don't think you'd be happier if he'd instead been revealed as a cheat, to be honest. Good luck.
Sorry Op but I totally agree with TheyLearnedFromBrian
He is an addict. He will lie to feed his addiction. He will always be addicted to Gambling - just as an Alcoholic is always an Alcoholic for the rest of their lives, even if they never drink again.
I'm not saying LTB, but you must understand that you will have to have 100% control over all your income and bank accounts. You will have to be able to open all the post to check for Payday loans etc.
You will never be able to stop him taking out loans - you will just have to be prepared to pick up the pieces afterwards.
He may hate himself for doing this - but the chances are he WILL do it again. He is ill, you see, and not in control of it.
I have personal experience of this. In my case, he killed himself because he could not stop.
Oh - and don't keep it a secret from Family and friends - IME the more people know the better.
My friend's ex moved onto on-line spread betting, make sure he doesn't have any on-line accounts. He worked his way through a small house, she's had to go back to work early after a major op as she needs the money despite her pain levels.
It can feel overwhelming but you are strong enough to deal with it. Get onto the (free) credit checks first to see what you're dealing with. I used Experion and it was really easy.
It would be so easy to stick your head in the sand but do keep posting. I so wish I'd known about mumsnet when I was going through hell with XH. No judging here, just support.
My husband is a Compulsive Gambler and we make it work only because he is really determined about his own recovery and because I manage our finances. It's the trade off to be married to a CG, you can't let them have control of money, it's for your own sanity as much as there's and it's means them having to agree to it and not make a big deal about it.
My husband is never given large sums of cash and always pays for everything on card so it can be tracked. Anything with cash he leaves receipts in a bowl in the living room. He says he appreciates how much care I take, and it has really helped him in his recovery. It's a big burden on my shoulders but my husband is a great guy otherwise which makes it worth it. He works with me and not against and is not abusive in any way.
If you are going to stay with him, you will need the following...
- all passwords to email accounts and bank accounts and any online banking sites.
- audit your accounts and his. Often they don't tell the truth initially as to how much dept they are in.
- through his bank records you should be able to see if this has only been going on for 5 months or if her has done this before.
- my husband only has a joint account with me (I have my own too) it's easier to keep track of spending that way and hinders an ability to get payday loans.
- a timetable for attendance at GA, my husband did 3 times a week first month, 2 times a week next 6 and 1 time a week after. Id he stopped his meetings I would be worried as the minute they think they're cured they're waling into trouble.
- be open with people in your life about his gambling, you need support to and an addiction is nothing to be ashamed of, doing nothing about it is.
- he needs a hobby, be it sports etc something that can fully occupy him when he gets bored or the wish to gamble starts chasing him.
- he will need to be humble about it, take responsibility and understand that there will be times that you will be angry and upset.
- HE CAN NEVER HAVE CONTROL OF FINANCES-EVER, it's putting the security of all in danger.
I see CG as coming under the vow in sickness and in health. I see it as an illness but it is not my fault and I cannot control it in any way. I can support and making things easier and I know what triggers my husbands gambling so know when to keep an extra close eye on him. It's a real team effort. We are expecting our first child this year so it really can work out well.
I echo Meirasa. You can make it work if he agrees to some pretty rigid steps in place for life. All savings need to be in your name. Limit the savings, if any, he can have in his name. Use a joint account and limit cash withdrawals. Most importantly, he needs to transfer the house into your name and this may mean approaching the lender to agree to the transfer. It will be difficult approaching the lender, because disclosure of his problem may highlight a credit risk and if not immediately, may make to more difficult on a subsequent reportage. You do need to keep evidence of what he has done in case it doesn't work out and he wants to split to obtain the proverbial '50%' only to then gamble away. If you think this is a longer term problem then a tactical approach may be to maximise your savings, above any buffer you need, into a personal pension. It cannot be touched until 55 so defers the risk and who knows he may see sense by then. There may well be more debt and you may want to take legal advice on how to manage that. There are strategic things that one can do, with joint mutual consent, they are not for the fainthearted but only if there are additional debts and they are realistically unmanageable, but a solicitor who has experience in personal insolvency may need to advise you.
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