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Living apart/lack of commitment...but says all the right things. Confused.(9 Posts)
DP and I used to live together for approx. 2 years. We had to move apart due to work (my work). This is something we both wanted as it will massively change our lifestyle once I have trained with this company and the training was only to last for 2 years. It's 6 months in and I've been offered an office change in location - this means we could potentially live together again - both of us having a commute of a maximum of 1.5 hours each way - probably more like 1 hour ten or fifteen mins door to door.
My partner is not used to commuting - he has always had a 15 min drive to work, and he is still living where we used to live (in different accommocation but in the same town). So far, he has been up and down about wanting to move. It became very frustrating last week as I had to confirm to my work whether or not I wanted to change office, and I felt I had no confidence in him to go ahead with it. It caused a huge arguement, culminating in him saying he didn't want to lose me and he hated living apart and he was 'scared' about the commute.
To make matters more complex, his mother is divorced and very lonely, dependant on my DP, and she seems to have preferred our relationship with us living apart. As a result, she seems intent on highligting problems for us if we make this move and has even said to my partner behind my back that I am pressurising my partner into the move. I have obviously questioned my DP about this, as I am aware it is possible he has told her one thing and me another, but he assures me that is not the case, and he does want to move, he is just worried about the change.
He is still in the process of 'deciding.' The longer he takes to make this decision, the more it hurts. He also has some opportunities to work abroad, and although he didnt get the post last time, he says he would still consider it if the position came up again. This again makes me feel very uncertain about him - I have told him this and he says he feels it would not affect our reltationship as we are so in love. I disagree - I am not massivley old, but nor am I in my early twenties, and I want and home and a future and to settle down. My boyfriend disappearing halfway across the world at some point in the future isn't something I had hoped for at this stage in my life. I have the same opinion with his seeming reluctance to move and do a commute for us to have a home together again.
This man has told me he wants to marry me, says he wants me in his life, saves for a house with me (albeit we save into our own accounts, but we talk about it all the time)... Is it unfair of me to expect him to want to make this move and go back to living together? Is it unfair of me to feel upset that he wants to consider working abroad for 6 months/maybe longer?
I don't think a 1.5 hour commute each way is very appealing, I can see why he wouldn't jump at that. Sorry - but that's really long. EVERY day?
If I were you, I'd make the decisions that were best for me (that's not selfish - you're not married) and let him fit in around those. Everything is still uncertain, so you'd be sensible to build the life that suits you now, as an unmarried woman, and go ahead with that. If his actions start matching his words, you can make joint decisions later on, as an engaged couple who've set a date, etc.
If you rearrange your life around him at this stage, you'll only feel resentment. Read 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up their Livesby Dr Laura. It's awesome, and includes this situation.
I have told him this and he says he feels it would not affect our reltationship as we are so in love. I disagree
your feelings are your feelings and perfectly valid. What you want is reasonable. What he wants may not coincide. 1hour 15 is a long commute, though many many people do it.
How long has he been saying taht he wants to live together? In theory it sounds like 2 years apart but it sounds like you have more fundamental doubts as to his commitment.
How often do you see him now?
You don't say how old you are but that has to be something to factor in if you want children. Can you wait 18 months and then another 6 (to give you time to find somewhere together that's reasonable). Bearing in mind he might actually end up half way around the world.
From the sound of it you are tipping over onto the side of needing Action not Words and he's not really providing action. From the way you've phrased things, it may be time to let him go.
I wouldn't do a commute like that. I'd be scared too - scared I was wasting a big chunk of my life each day.
Thanks for your responses. I am in my late twenties and my DP is 28.
We see each other on average for one full day a week, although the last 6 months we had 3 weeks apart on 3 different ocassions.
It just feels like living together would be simpler for us to have a fuller relationship that we used to have. I feel very much like being in a relationship as a university student again.
No-one's right here and no-one's wrong. You simply want different things. He either wants to stay where he is, looking after his Mum etc or he has plans to wok abroad. You want to advance with your company elsewhere. If there's no middle-ground you're probably going to end up going your separate ways. Incompatibility tends to do that
Not just long but 'scary'.... Although I think there's a subtext to that which has nothing to do with journey times.
I probably wouldn't do a 1.5 hour commute either. Possibly if by train if it's a good reliable service with enough seats. I've done an hour's driven commute in the past and would be reluctant to do even that again. It may only be an hour on an ideal day, but bad weather, heavy traffic, queues, accidents, blah blah blah and quite often it would take longer than that. And be very tiring.
Also..so you are ok to move out for two years but don't like the idea of him also moving for a career opportunity?
He might be feeling you are the one who has lost a level of commitment.
Just some ideas to think about.
On the practical side - can't you move closer to each other and spend all weekends together, but be separate during the working week? seems to be a good compromise.
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