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So its over.

(16 Posts)
Justtheonemore Sun 04-Jan-15 20:53:50

I've had a few threads, there's a back story, but its actually over. My esteem was (is) at an all time low, the events over the last few months cementing it there. There was an incident at a Christmas party and I finally stopped waiting for him to change.
I'm not over him, not by a long shot. I love him, so very much, and it hurts - its a physical pain, it feels like its crushing me. And the doubt....have I done the right thing? The doubt and the guilt are almost as bad as the emotional hurt, and they're tying me up in knots.
What if he was right? What if he was normal and I was the one expecting too much, what if I was too "fucking Disney" (his words).
Was it too much to ask to hear that he loves me? Do other couples not compliment each other? Do they really not hold hands, or kiss without it leading to sex?
Was I wrong to be hurt when he told me the house was filthy (its not) and when I countered with when was the last time you cleaned anything he dismissed me by saying things like "oh I'm sorry, you work now don't you" - which just confused me, and muddied the argument. Or that when he finally did things for the children, and shared the parenting because he was on holiday (although I wasn't) that he threw it in my face that he'd had to do stuff for our children and that I'd done nothing (lies, of course, unless I imagined getting up with them whilst he enjoyed his lie ins).
I'm just so scared I've done the wrong thing. I'm scared he's right, and that my expectations are too high, that no ones relationship is like I imagine. What if I've ended the best relationship I can ever expect? What if my idea of a normal relationship doesn't exist? sad

whitsernam Sun 04-Jan-15 20:57:26

and breathe. Please. I know how difficult the first weeks of a break-up are, especially if you've been together for many years. Things will be more clear with time, and I bet you anything during the divorce he will convince you, by his actions, that you have done exactly what you needed to do. What you write in this one post convinces me that you've done the right thing; you just need time. Keep breathing.

CSIJanner Sun 04-Jan-15 20:58:56

Didn't want to read and leave.

TBH it sounds from your OP that your confidence and self worth have been ground down. There's a lot of self doubt there, no doubt by the words your ex has thrown at you. Take the time for you and your children, and rediscover what you like to do, how you like to spend time with them and the little things that you prefer. It's raw, it's very early days, but you will pull/punch through and find yourself again flowers

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons Sun 04-Jan-15 21:02:42

he must have severely knocked your self confidence. He sounds horrible and I can't help be feel certain you'll be very much happier without him.

By all means grieve the relationship you wish you'd had with him but remind yourself itself of how it did not live up to your very reasonable expectations.


Justtheonemore Sun 04-Jan-15 21:04:43

I'm just so scared that he's right, that our relationship was normal, that I did have some rom-com vision of how life should be. I only wanted to feel loved. Why was that so awful?

AmantesSuntAmentes Sun 04-Jan-15 21:06:25

What if being single was applauded and appreciated in the way it should be?

What I mean is, our happiness shouldn't be reliant upon the hope of a future 'normal relationship'.

We should be happy when we've escaped a dire relationship, regardless of what the future may bring.

You weren't happy, you are in the right, you are not imagining the issues your ex had.

You do deserve better! The residual feelings which you once invested in your ex will disperse, leaving room for new, positive feelings about your future.

Don't make a relationship your sole aim. Your sense of self and independent happiness is more likely to bring you a brighter future.

The early days are difficult and they are confusing but this does not mean you've made the wrong decision. Give yourself time to recover smile

ProcrastIWillFinishThisLater Sun 04-Jan-15 21:07:26

Sounds like you have absolutely done the right thing. If he thinks your (totally reasonable) expectations of a normal relationship are 'too fucking disney' then he needs a reality check, and to fuck off obviously. He sounds like a pretty useless, lazy knob head who just wasn't very nice to you. And that's without the back story. Give yourself some time, you will see him (and the relationship) with a new perspective once you've had some distance from it, and you'll wonder why you put up with it as long as you did. We've all been there. xx

mumonashoestring Sun 04-Jan-15 21:08:08

FWIW my DH agrees with me that your ex was an arse - wanting some expression of affection and respect, intimacy without sex, and an equal balance of work around the house is not being 'Disney'. Given some time and perspective you'll recover your confidence

Snappynewyear Sun 04-Jan-15 21:13:22

You sound completely normal and your expectations are normal. What you are getting from your H is not something that would make anyone happy. He sounds a total shit.

Don't let him con you into thinking your expectations are unreasonable. They are not. You deserve to be happy, not to stay with someone who is making you unhappy.

trackrBird Sun 04-Jan-15 21:13:55

On the basis of your OP, he sounds a complete pain, which is putting it politely.

You sound very anxious, and very uncertain, so there's no way you've come to this decision lightly.

Trust yourself. He doesn't have access to superior information on how relationships 'ought' to be, he is just offering his opinion. And try not to worry about how much you miss him, and how literally painful it feels at the moment....goodness knows why, but it seems many of us end up feeling like this, even over the most useless of partners. It doesn't mean you made a mistake. It's just something you have to get through.

As whitsernam says,give it time, and try to talk it through with someone in RL if you can.

Justtheonemore Sun 04-Jan-15 21:27:48

Thank you all for your words flowers It does help that someone out there agrees that I wasn't completely unreasonable to need to feel that he loved me.
I'm actually laid here crying. Again. Over him. Again.
I feel stronger in the day. I'm busy; with the children, with work, with usual day to day tasks. I feel like I can start to work on me, start to figure out how to feel like myself again. But then at night, I feel lost again. I feel confused, and I feel afraid that he was right - that I wanted too much and whatever he did it wasn't good enough. Although he never actually tried, not really, he just said that line to shut me up. Even as I think back, I wonder if our best times weren't actually great because we were getting along, but because I had sort of accepted the lack of affection. For a time anyway.
This is all coming out jumbled, my mind is racing a fair bit. Sorry if I'm not making much sense.

suspiciousandsad Sun 04-Jan-15 21:56:21

You poor, poor thing. I completely understand what you say about the physical pain. That was me four years ago. And only NOW are we splitting up. I stayed because I feared for my mental health, I was confused, what if this WAS it? Stayed for the children.

You sound like a woman beaten down by emotional abuse. But I think soon, very soon, you can start thinking of the person you used to be, or want to be. You have done the right thing. Just don't let him convince you otherwise. Do it now because if you don't you'll only have to do it in the future and you sound as though you've lost enough of yourself.

Justtheonemore Mon 05-Jan-15 20:24:52

I'm just very afraid I'm not going to be able to stop loving him. I mean, how do you stop loving your partner of over a decade? I love him so much, how is that going to end? It'll end easily for him, if it hasn't already. He's so emotionally closed off, I think he'll find it pretty simple. Or has. What if I can't get over him.
God, I loathe how pathetic I sound. I hate this, I fucking HATE it. This was never me.
Why couldn't he just love me too?

whitsernam Mon 05-Jan-15 20:35:03

No one probably knows why he couldn't love you back. Some people just can't.

Would it help to re-frame your thinking in the direction of something like this: He couldn't love me the way I needed. Now I am free to look for someone who can?? I bet you've overlooked many men who would be lovely for you while you were tied up with the one who just couldn't show much. (and who doesn't need to feel loved? No one!)

Try to pamper yourself a bit. There will be ups and downs. Keeping busy and getting exercise helped me a lot, could those help you? Just to keep your mind occupied so it doesn't race off thinking about what ifs? Connect with friends, who will probably tell you how lovely you are...
And let time heal you. If you feel it's taking too long, or you need deeper understanding, counselling can be really helpful.

flowers for you.

Snappynewyear Mon 05-Jan-15 20:51:31

Your H has used your love for him to get away with awful behaviour. No matter what he said or did he would have your unquestioning love. That's not a criticism of you. If you had married someone different you could have received just as much love in return and been happy. You were just unlucky.

You don't just love him you rely on him totally and need him. You need to step back and see him for what he really is. Maybe some counselling will help you. Relate will see you on your own and I really suggest you talk to someone and rebuild your confidence.

Missqwerty Mon 05-Jan-15 21:07:23

Even if your expectations was too high, it sounds like he wasn't willing to hear you out or compromise and he felt point scoring and getting one over on you was more important then your relationship. It sounds like he was too immature and that the relationship became toxic as he couldn't handle conflict. It's not Disney to want love and affection, the doubts will be there as it's it's a sign you are a self aware and conscientious person- something he lacked!

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